blue christmas

i know i haven't written since thanksgiving. partly because i don't have anything interesting to talk about, partly because i've been so busy.

mom's birthday was at the beginning of december, which required a trip to texas to see her. plus we went over for "thanksgiving" the weekend before. after that i was off to San Diego for the 2010 ECCU Conference. i received my AHA instructor update and got to talk about En-Pro a lot. the talking about En-Pro part was really fun. the rest of it was miserable. i was sick most of the time and it was nonstop go go go and i still had office work to take care of and it was a lot to deal with. but i loved being able to represent our company and meet new instructors. I love my job, but it's frustrating to not be able to do it effectively.

once I got back from San Diego it was off the the much anticipated Christmas in the Sky. Christmas in the Sky is a huge fundraiser for the arts in Shreveport. It's so big they only do it every two years. This year was Beatles themed and i LOVE LOVE LOVE the Beatles so i just HAD to go. it was awesome! there was a ton of people there so Craig was kind of uncomfortable, but I loved being surrounded by all the Beatle-ness.

the next weekend was my company's Christmas party. two of my best friends have come on board with us this year, and one brought one of my other best friends as his date so it was a great night with great food and great company. i look forward to our Christmas party every year.

and then it was time for Christmas.

Christmas has been tough.

Thanksgiving didn't really bother me, with the exception of my blog post the night before. it kind of got to me then, but that was about it. i think i dealt with it pretty well. Christmas has been hard all month. i haven't been myself. i've not been in the Christmas spirit at all. we plugged in our outside lights once. our tree was only plugged in a handful of times. i didn't bake a single cookie. i waited until the last minute to plan our meal, to buy groceries, to buy presents, to wrap presents. i didn't even make or send Christmas cards this year. i did a super simple meal. i didn't even make a pie. it was so hard to not have dad here. it was so hard to not buy a gift for dad. it's like, in all the planning of Christmas i was constantly reminded that he wasn't there. and for the most part, i did ok. i teared up a few times last week when people would ask how i was doing. that's when i had to admit to myself that i was having a hard time accepting it. on Christmas eve craig and i stayed up much too late and i watched the clock roll over to midnight. Christmas day. i certainly didn't feel merry. when we went to bed i had a hard time falling asleep. i finally couldn't hold back the tears. craig realized i was crying and tried to comfort me. as nice as anyone can be, they're not my dad. the cry was a long time coming.

Christmas day was fine. i wasn't merry, but i didn't cry. i received everything i could have ever wanted. my brother especially spoiled me. it just wasn't the same.

sunday i made plans to see one of my friends while they were in town. i hadn't been to the cometary since the funeral and felt like i really needed to. i decided to go to the cometary on sunday before we met up.

it took me a little while to find the right place but when i did, dad's marker jumped out at me and i began sobbing again. what a moment of reality. and i was a little pissed that they didn't tell me it was there. there's a big process of picking, proofing and making the marker we had to go though. i hadn't heard anything since i approved the proof so i was really surprised to see it. it was covered in dirt so i wiped it all off to get a better look.



someone's put fresh flowers on his mom and grandmother's grave, but he didn't have any. i don't know who's putting flowers out for them, but no one from that side of the family went to the funeral so i don't know if they even know dad died. i was told there was a temporary marker before the permanent one went up so i'm guessing they know now. i meant to bring flowers from the artificial arrangement my aunt sent but i forgot them. i forgot a lot of things i meant to do.

after lunch i got some flowers for him and went back on my way out of town.



it was much easier to be there the second time. not so shocking i guess.

when my grandmothers died, i used to talk to them. much like i prayed. not usually out loud. just in my head. i felt like they could hear me. i wanted them to know i missed them. until Christmas eve, i couldn't talk to dad. it was like i couldn't believe he could hear it because that would mean he had "crossed over". i'm sure this makes me sound super crazy, but i feel like it means i'm moving forward with the healing process. it was too much to accept all at once so i've had to do it in pieces. i can tell dad i miss him now. it's a big step for me.

so this year, since i didnt make christmas cards, i think i'm going with new years cards. be looking for those :) it's time to start a new chapter. time to close the hardest chapter i ever thought i'd have to write. i'm welcoming the new and whatever adventures this year brings. 2010 was hard. i'm ready to welcome something new.

thanksgiving

i can't believe it's thanksgiving already. the days just fly by.

it's been non stop since i went back to work. there's so much going on. i feel like i could work 12 hours a day and still never catch up. the company is ever changing and evolving so there's always some new project to work on. plus i hired a new person so i've been training them. and last week i got permission to have my friend justin come work for me temporarily. he just passed the bar but has had trouble finding a job and i needed help so he came in from dallas to stay with us and work for a bit. it seems that what started as temporary will be turning permanent soon though. im super grateful to have him on my team. and i'm thankful i have a job that keeps me busy. i'm thankful that in a recession, we still have tons of work. and i'm thankful for my boss who has been a huge blessing in my life for the past three years.

i expected thanksgiving to be hard. it's our first holiday without dad. until tonight, it really hadn't been. in fact, it didn't feel any different than normal and i've honestly been so busy i havent thought a whole lot about the day at all. i remember stopping for a second today and thinking, oh my gosh, thanksgiving is tomorrow! but now that i'm home...and it's quiet...and a box of my dad's clothes sits in my dining room...and i just so happened to receive dad's death certificate today (talk about a surreal moment)...and i look at the stack of thank you cards on my bar that i STILL haven't mailed out even though they've been addressed for weeks...and it's starting to hit me.

i don't think to call him quite as much anymore. there still isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about him though. that i don't miss him. a lot. it's this achy feeling. i look at pictures and can't believe he isn't here anymore. i honestly thought this could be his last thanksgiving. when he was diagnosed, i never dreamed he wouldn't make it this long. obviously, i had to face realty at the end of september and knew he wouldn't, but that really bad time is becoming fuzzier to me. thankfully. i remember being so frustrated while dad was sick. each day felt like an eternity to me. and i look back now and think, wow the time went so fast. 3 short weeks. not even two months from the time he was diagnosed until the time he died. i think about last thanksgiving and the fact that dad had this horrible disease that caused his body to turn on him and we had no idea. and i'm glad. because last thanksgiving, life was normal. we weren't worried about how precious time was. we weren't worried about what tomorrow held. we ate well and we enjoyed each other's company and we watched some football. we had no idea what this thanksgiving would be like and it didn't matter. we enjoyed that day for what it was.

i feel like my blog has kind of turned into an all about dad journal. this is about the only time i talk about it though. life goes on, 100 MPH, and i don't really sit still long enough to talk about it. but it's always there with me, in the back of my mind. anytime life quiets enough, mostly on my drive home, or other moments when i find myself not at work and by myself, it's always the first thing that pops into my mind. so i'm sorry if it seems like i'm dwelling, but it's still very real to me. it feels very new. i feel like im always entering different phases of "dealing with it" but im still dealing with it, even if i don't talk about it.

so yes, i have MUCH to be thankful for, but right now, i'm feeling a lot like something's missing. or rather, someone. and at 11:30 at night, the night before thanksgiving, that's what i'm thinking about. the one who's not here.

we're just like you...only prettier

i sort of accidentally happened upon politics. during college i would consider myself largely apathetic. and i'm still not exactly a political activist or anything. when i was old enough to vote, i registered as a republican because i thought i was supposed to. i mean, i was southern, i was christian, and i was pretty sure my parents were republican. i didn't exactly come from a politically interested family either so i just went with it. i voted once because a classmate's dad was running for school board. thus ended my political stint.

in college however, all the cool kids were democrat. it felt so rebellious to be democrat. i wasn't quite ready to cross over to the dark side yet, but i did drop the republican affiliation. i didn't vote. i didn't complain. i just watched.

i decided that political parties in general were ridiculous and i still don't understand what purpose they serve other than to divide people for no good reason. its like race. what the hell does it matter? no democrat believes the same as another democrat, no republican believes the same as another republican, no white person is the same as another person, no black person is the same as another black person. why do we have to lump everything we are and everything we believe into a single label? people are people. period. why can't we evaluate a candidate based on their campaign and not just label them?

as many of you know, one of my dear friends is running for mayor of shreveport. his brother is my boss and that puts me in the middle of campaign headquarters. me. the non voter. the politically apathetic. but in my 3 years here, i've come to know Bryan as a person, as a city councilman, and as a friend. i got to see the city from "the other side." it was fascinating! and i can't even vote for him because i don't live in shreveport anymore, but he's a good, honest man who really cares about this town and about the people in it. i believe he can revitalize this city and im pulling for him as hard as i can!

and then i met craig. craig cares A LOT. he gets really bent out of shape about the government and economics and the country in general. and while i'm not nearly as passionate about it as he is, i care about things that he cares about. so two years, i took an objective look at the two presidential candidates and chose as i call it, the lesser of two evils. i know more about the country and the city than i ever dreamed i would. i care more than i ever dreamed i would. i dont like the way the country is now. i don't approve of a lot of the change that has happened and i absolutely don't trust our current president (but i dont think he is a lot of the things people say about him either). so today, i voted.

im neither liberal or conservative. i'm neither republican nor democrat. i dont think i fit in anywhere and that's ok. i'm a little from column A, B, C & D. party voting disgusts me. following someone blindly disgusts me. close mindedness disgusts me. but i believe we live in a great country. i think it's time to reevaluate a lot of things going on right now, and the political parties are one of them. i just wish people would listen to what candidates are really saying and not what they (or someone else) wants them to hear.

November

I can't believe it's November. Of course, there are a lot of things I have a hard time believing right now.

Routine has set back in and my life is settling down. I can do "normal" things like work and go grocery shopping and cook dinner. Routine is comforting. Work is like my security blanket. Things are predictably unpredictable here. I know what to do. I can change things. I can help situations. I have control over my day and the things in it. It's comforting.

I can go days at a time without crying, but my heart is still broken. I've received a card almost every day from someone and I really appreciate them. I've trying to put together some sort of memorial keepsake box to keep all the stuff from the funeral and all my cards and the obituaries and such in. Kyle and I are ok. Trying to spend as much time as we can together. I used to have lunch with dad every Tuesday and dinner with him every Thursday until he couldn't really afford it anymore and was too depressed to really want to. Kyle and I have started Thursday night dinners back up. I'm so glad we grew closer through all of this.

I still have moments when I think "I haven't talked to dad in a while I should call him" or "I should call dad and tell him about...". I used to tell him everything. Last night I admitted that to Craig after we ran out of candy. I thought, "I should call dad and tell him about my trick or treaters." As soon as I think it, I know I can't. I can't help it though. I told Craig that I keep thinking of things to call and tell dad and saying it out loud was enough to make me cry. He hugged me and told me I could tell him things and I said I know I can, but you were here, I don't have to tell you about the trick or treaters.

I had dad's phone cut off today. That was hard. He's had that phone number for like, 10 years. I know it. I don't know many people's numbers (thank you technology). I know his, Craigs (which took me a while but now its only one number different from mine), Ryan (my boss), and I just barely learned my brothers since dad got sick. No one has called his phone since before the funeral so I didn't see the sense in keeping it on any longer. It's just really hard to cut those ties. It's like with every little thing, I have to admit that my dad is gone again and I have to realize it all over again.

But other than that, life goes on and everything's normal. Craig and I are great. Work is going well. The dogs are happy. We're all ok.

I thought dad's funeral service went really well. Dr. Cox did a great job on his memorial. He made us remember the good times, which is what I wanted. I wanted it to be a celebration of his life and I think it was. For those of you who missed it, I had my friend Justin make us a memorial video for the service. Here's a link to it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDi1bOIFIZg

I'm so thankful for all the love and support and prayers and hugs and cards and I know I say that on like, every post, but I am. I know I'm not good about saying it when it happens and I want you all to know I'm still taking it all in. I'm really thankful for the kindness everyone has showed to us. It's very easy to count my blessings :)

wish you were here

my dad loved music. loved it. while trying to arrange his funeral services kyle and i had so many ideas for songs he loved that i've decided to make a CD of "brannon" songs for people who would like them. so many songs and artists remind me of my dad. the beatles. the eagles. the doors. jerry jeff walker. crosby, stills, nash & young. the marshall tucker band. on and on. im having a hard time cutting our edited song list down to one CD worth of music. thinking of just making it two anyway.

they're songs to remember by. i can see him singing them. some of the make me smile. sometimes it hurts to think that i'll never hear him sing again. he could feel music. i'd give anything to watch him drive down the road singing his heart out or sit at his bar with him, drinking a beer and singing like he was the only one in the room.

everything is easier for me. its easier to make funeral arrangements. easier to look at pictures. its still really hard to accept though. he's been such a big part of my life. its so unbelievable that he's just gone. that's what i'm still having a hard time with. there are stories i can't remember correctly that i think, i'll have to ask dad...but i can't. he was so smart and he knew so much. i loved listening to him talk or tell stories. i wish i had recorded every one of them.

i started crying in the car the other day because a toby keith song came on and a line says something about calling their voicemail because he had to hear their voice one more time and i realized i can't do that. dad never recorded a voicemail on his cell phone. i would give anything to hear his voice again. his healthy voice, not the sick whisper he had in the end.

i'm so glad he's not sick or hurting anymore. i know it embarrassed him for us to have to take care of him. he told me he was the daddy and it was his job to take care of us. i'm glad he's with his mom and his grandma again, i know he loved them a lot. i just wish he was here and healed and with me.

kyle and i picked out his grave marker earlier in the week. through the whole memorial process we've battled with finding things that were "him". he wasn't very religious. so much stuff is so cheesy and not "him". when we picked out the marker they gave us a book of "phrases" to help us think of something because we thought "beloved father" was too cheesy. he never said "beloved". we dont say "beloved". so many things in the books were just as cheesy. i liked a few, kyle liked a few, but then we found one that both of us immediately knew was so him. "to know him was to love him." it seemed so obvious after we found it. everyone who knew dad, loved him. i mean, the hospice director cried when he realized it was dad he was visiting (he looked so different). the person who came from the funeral home when he died cried because he knew dad. he said it took him 10 min to put himself together before he came over when he got the call. what a testament. dad was so kind to people. he was as i like to say, a good ole boy. a simple man, as the song says. kyle and i can't think of a single enemy he would have had. he would do anything for us, i know that. he did. he put me through an expensive college. there was nothing i asked him for that i didn't get. he loved us so much.

in the last week or two of his life, he told me something that really struck me the first time he said it. i told him "i love you" and he said "i love you too...forever." i said "forever ever."

i'm so lucky. i had such a good daddy. so many children grow up without fathers. so many people have bad relationships with their fathers or "daddy issues." dad had his weaknesses. loving us wasn't one of them. im so glad i got to spend 26 years with him. i just wish it was longer.

where is the good in goodbye?

how am i?

numb. shocked. in disbelief. brokenhearted. a combination of all the preceding.

i had just woken up on sunday when my brother's girlfriend called me. she said i needed to get over there right now. i started hyperventilating. i called craig who was at work. i was so hysterical he could barely understand me. it was so hard to breathe. i thought there was no way she could be right. he's just sleeping. they just need to wake him up. its not true. it can't be true.

when i got to their house my brother was on the front porch crying. i ran to hold him. he told me, i didn't listen to her. she told me not to go in there but i did. he told me not to go in there. i didnt. i couldnt. even as i think about it now it takes my breath away.

the day before was the benefit for dad. when i got there my brother and uncle were leaving dad's room. my uncle had tears in his eyes. kyle was visibly distraught. he told me dad wouldn't talk to anyone all day. i had so much to do, i couldn't have a melt down right now. i didn't see dad at all saturday. its bittersweet. i'm glad i dont have any memory of him being so bad. i'm sad i didn't see him alive one last time.

there are just some memories you don't need. i've had to watch dad suffer for so long. i didn't need another sickly image of him in my head. i've seen him sick for so long that the pictures of him don't look like him to me. all these healthy images look so weird to me. i don't want to remember him sick. i don't want anyone else to either. i don't want this disease to define him. he's so much more than that.

i couldnt bring myself to see him on sunday either. it kept the flood of emotions at bay. there was still a piece of my brain that didn't think it was true, as crazy as that sounds. i hadn't seen for myself so i couldn't be sure. don't get me wrong. i knew. i remember looking around his empty room. it looked so strange for him to not be there. but it wasn't real. it wasn't real to me until yesterday.

yesterday we went to the funeral home to finalize the arrangements. before we left, they got the casket ready and let us see everything. then, it was real. he's gone. he's really gone. i'll never hold his hand, or give him a kiss again. ill never hear his laugh or listen to his stories. its amazing to me what the human mind does to protect itself from harm. even looking at him laying there my brain says, cant they fill it back up with something and bring him back? this isn't right. i needed to look. i had to keep reminding myself this is real. he is gone. he's really gone.

it's hard to talk about my dad in past tense right now. it's too fresh and too new. reality still hits me in waves. more often now that i've seen for myself. i put on my brave face to deal with all the business stuff. craig has been so good about keeping my spirits up. making sure i remember to laugh when i can and holding me when i cry. and most of the time, im ok. maybe numb is a better word.

there will be an online obituary up sometime today. the shreveport, marshall and longview papers will all run one thursday. services are saturday afternoon.

we elected to not do an organized visitation. kyle and i need some space. we both start to feel smothered when there's too many people around. i hit a wall sunday and had to go home to be by myself. its hard for me to deal with other people who are really upset because i naturally want to comfort them but im hurting too. we think it would be best to let people grieve and say goodbye as they'd like to on their own time. anyone who wants to see us can see us at the service, but the funeral home is open from 8-5 M-F and anyone who wants to see him and say goodbye can go by anytime they like.

on a lighter note, for those of you wondering about flowers or anything, you might want to keep in mind kyle and i aren't so good with the whole, house plant thing. i'll try, but for some reason i just don't have those skills. dad's favorite color is blue, but there aren't many blue flowers and the flower shop we went to yesterday said she coudln't get any bluebonnets. my favorite flower is a sunflower. kyle and i both like the idea of yellow roses (for texas).

as always, i'm so thankful for the love and support we've received. so thankful. when i'm alone and thinking i feel loved. it's just so hard to breathe sometimes from all the emotions of everything that i need space. space to breath. space to think. space to grieve. then the wave of emotion calms and i can feel everyone's love again. im grateful. i'm grateful dad touched so many lives. i'm grateful so many people care about us. we're going to be ok.

so that's how i'm doing...

under pressure

i get so overwhelmed sometimes i could just cry. and sometimes i do. its just so much sometimes.

dad's not doing well. hes really weak. barely talks. barely drinks. mostly sleeps. its really hard to watch. its painful now to think of the good times. when he was healthy and happy. i miss it. i miss him so much. i want to be able to go have lunch with him at georges like we used to. i want him to call me on the phone just because he hasn't talked to me in a few days. i want him to go to the mudbugs opening night tonight so we can watch the game together. but we cant. he can barely tell me when he wants something to drink. he's too young. i'm too young.

dad's pool hall is having a benefit for him tomorrow. when we picked this date, i remember feeling like it was so far away. i knew he'd never make it this long. he's surprised all of us by hanging in here. he doesn't know about the benefit. i know he wouldn't be crazy about it. i'm not crazy about it. it's really hard to take money from people. it's not your fault he doesn't have life insurance or any savings. it's not your fault we're not prepared. it's not your burden. i'm too stubborn and prideful, i know. the straight out donations are the hardest because they're just giving and they don't expect anything. i'm the caretaker. that's my job. at least with the benefit i can cook for people and give them something in return for their money. it makes it easier. it's overwhelming to me when people are so giving. thank you doesn't seem like enough. i'm used to being the giver. givings easy. being there for people is easy. dad was the same way. we like to earn what we receive. and i know the people who have donated are doing so cheerfully and don't expect anything, just like i would have. its just very humbling. gratitude is humbling. i hope this doesn't make me sound like a horrible person. it's hard to be humbled.

well i'll keep this short and sweet. just wanted to check back in because i know i've been distant. its' all just wearing on me.

limbo

im being pulled in so many directions right now. theres something about dad's nurse coming that makes things at work go crazy. as soon as he pulled up today my cell phone started ringing. as soon as i went to the office monday she came and then they were calling me while i was at work. its overwhelming to say the least.

i really miss work. dont get me wrong, its not even a question that my dad needs me and i'm where i'm supposed to be, but it is not in my nature to stay at home all day. i tried taking a summer off before my senior year of college where i didn't work. i went crazy! im a workaholic. if it wasnt for craig, i would work much more than i do. i like it. i miss being in my office and having access to everything so i can really get things done. i feel so handicapped working from home. i dont have any of my old emails or files or anything. all i can work on is new emails and stuff i can access on our website. and i have plenty to do that way, but its not the same. and if i need to find something out its really hard. i like my job and i miss work. you guys wont have any house wife or mothering to look forward to from me.

yesterday i felt horrible. today im still not feeling good, but i feel better after the nyquil and the handful of vitamins this morning. i havent sneezed as much today either. dads starting to sleep more which meant i got some napping done myself. trying to be more productive today to make up for it.

also improving my mood is the newly installed oven and stove at dad's. all there has been is a microwave since ive been here. the kitchen looks like a war zone anyway so i always have food from somewhere else. but i love baking. its peaceful. and i feel productive. and i get to feed people which makes me feel like im taking care of them and doing something good for them that makes them happy. im not a stress eater, im a stress baker. so now, i can bake. there are brownies cooling on top of the stove as we speak. i have lots of things on my "to cook" list, so im excited! and dad perked up when i said i was making some brownies, so yay! getting him to eat can be tricky. he's always loved brownies though. hopefully i can get him to eat one later. he wasnt biting when i offered him some corn or green beans earlier from my lunch.

we had a surprise visit from my grandpa yesterday. i was standing in dad's room at his bed and i saw an older man walk in front of the window through the crack in the curtains. i said, i think grandpas here! dad was like, what?? i walked to the front door and sure enough, he was. he just stayed for a few minutes but he never stays too long. it was good to see him though.

in the past few weeks, one of dad's brothers found me online. ive never met him, but ive heard about him a lot. he found me on facebook and we talk almost every day now. he's mentioned trying to get up here to visit. we laughed after grandpa left about how funny it would have been if grandpa would have visited while billy was here. they haven't spoken in at least 10 years i believe. i havent told grandpa that we speak. as far as he knows, i dont know he exists at all. much mystery on my dad's side of the family (from both his parents). i think its fascinating. recently learned that im probably part sioux indian. billy knows a lot about our family history that i didn't know. weve been trading family pics and stories. ive really enjoyed getting to know him.

ive also got to spend a lot time with my aunt and cousin recently. thats been a lot of fun too. our whole family hasnt been very close since my grandma died. its been great kind of getting to know them all over again and to spend time with them. i have a great family. aunt melinda told dad monday, you've brought the family together and you didn't even realize it. its true. my brother and i are closer. some of my extended family and i are closer. i can't put into words how thankful i am for everyone's love and support.

well, i have a few more projects to tackle while dad's sleeping. better seize the moment!

october

there was a time when i didn't think dad would live to see october. he surprised all of us with a big mental turn around last week. even the nurse came by on thursday and just shrugged. his color was good, he's awake and alert. he can hold real conversations and recall things from his distant past. he was, in a mental health sense, normal. he is still physically ill though. too weak to walk. unable to fully control body functions. not well, by any means. but the good days are definitely easier on all of us, even if he is an ass to kyle :).

today i can see a decline. he's less with it, more tired. kyle was with him when i got here and he told he wanted some dr. pepper. i left to go get some and when i got back he was asleep. i woke him up and brought it to him and said, hey dad, dr. pepper! and i showed him the cup i fixed for him. he looked at me and nodded then just closed his eyes and went back to sleep. it seems like we're on another downward slope. ill keep everyone posted.

craig seems to be having a good time in vermont with his family. i miss him a lot. i miss them. im glad i don't have to deal with the weather though. its cold enough here! he's supposed to come home tomorrow. i can't wait to hug him!

my aunt and cousin came to see us yesterday and give my brother and i a hand with dad. i had such a great time with them. it was great to have someone to talk to all day. and laugh! there isn't much laughter around here right now.

i realized last night how fully this has consumed my life. i feel like a new parent with a newborn (at least, i feel like how i think they feel). all i do is take care of dad. i feel bad leaving him here, even when i need a break and he has other people to be with him. and then last night i did the unthinkable. i went out! my friend bryan is running for mayor. yesterday was voting day and they were having an election party at his headquarters. i had been sad about not being able to be there before because i was supposed to be in vermont. after i came home to take care of the dogs last night i went back and forth about going to the party. i mean, i was in town now. and, it he won, what a great thing to say i was a part of. i was there when bryan found out he won mayor! but i was tired. and it felt "wrong" to go out. i decided to be a part of history though. bre agreed to meet me over there. it was so good to be out amongst people. and i was there when bryan found out he made the run off against the incumbent. not an outright win, but im excited we're one step closer. as i drove home last night i was like, wow, i feel like the mom leaving her baby with a babysitter for the first time, a tinge of guilt for doing something for myself, but really happy i did.

it surprises me that people think im so strong, so wonderful. i don't feel strong or wonderful. i feel quite ordinary. im just an ordinary person put in an extraordinary situation. i think you would all do the same. what normal person wouldn't? if your dad needed you, wouldn't you be there? of course you would. if you could make his last days easier by putting on a brave face, you would.

kyle has helped organize a benefit for dad on october 16. if any of you can make it or help we would appreciate it. it will be at secrets, their "home bar" for the APA pool league teams they played on. kyle has been able to play in weeks and obviously dad hasn't played in a while either. they're going to do a pool tournament and were going to try and sell some sort of plates or food or something and if we can get a few things to auction we'll do that too.

i have a quick rant. the saints game is on tv right now and i just noticed all the players have pink accents. towels, shoe laces, gloves, etc. it's breast cancer awareness month. why is breast cancer the only cancer that anyone cares about? why are there so many high profile breast cancer awareness items and walks and benefits? they haven't even said anything about it, but i just know because of the pink what it's for. i cant imagine how much money is donated to breast cancer every year. and that is great. but what about all the other cancers? i just wish they all got that kind of attention/funding. of course i have a much more jaded opinion on cancer research than i'll share right now, but you'll all have to put on your tin foil hats for that one...:)

thank you all, once again, for all your love and prayers and notes and calls and comments and emails. you're a blessing to me and my family.

here's a few more pics:

sticker shock

im currently experiencing a bit of sticker shock. dying is expensive.

first of all, if my granny hadn't purchased a plot for my dad, i would have walked away from lakeview in longview last week. i don't have any patience for bad customer service. i am a customer service manager. i have worked in customer service for a long time. it is not acceptable to not return two emails and a phone call to someone who needs to purchase something because they will purchase what they need from somewhere else. are you so busy you don't want my money? not acceptable. i emailed them twice last week (a specific person who gave me their business card when i came by) and he never emailed me back. i called saturday and the receptionist was very kind but unable to help me. turns out i needed to talk to the person who wouldn't email my back. she promised he'd call me right back and he never did. i called yesterday because he still hadn't called me and again, too busy for me. he finally called me back and was like, when would you like to set up an appointment to come in? um, excuse me? did they not pass along the message that my dad is in hospice care. he can't be left alone. i cant just drive over to longview. so he says, ok, how does your schedule look for monday? monday? really? 5 days from now? do you know how long 5 days are in my world? so he says, well, i can come by tomorrow afternoon and I'll come to you. ok deal.

well he calls this morning. he is not licensed to sell things in louisiana so he can't bring the paperwork here for me to sign, i would have to cross over state lines to sign it or i can work with one of his partner funeral homes over here. i said, excuse me, what paperwork? lets back this train up. i have been trying to get in contact with you for a week. i am 26 (and i know i sound like a little girl on the phone). i have never planned a funeral before. we need to discuss options and prices before there is any paperwork for anything. what a racket that is.

dads still hanging in here. hes been mostly coherent. today he seems really with it. after the nurse left this afternoon he told me he wanted to talk to me later. i told him we should talk now and asked him what's up. he asked me "how did all this happen?". I explained to him that he was in hospice care because the hospital couldn't do anything else for him. he said, yea, i know that. i told him we're staying at home with him because he's not strong enough to be on his own. i told him they don't think he has much time left. he said he had kinda put that together. he asked how kyle and i ended up doing this. i told him we were worried about him and that we could hire a sitter but we thought he would rather us be there. he asked if craig and i still had our house and i said yes, we go home at night but that craig was in vermont now. i told him everythings fine. i asked him if he was scared. he said he's been scared. i asked why he was scared. he said he was scared of dying. i asked why he was scared. he will get to go to heaven. he told me i should go back and see bre (who had just brought me lunch). i said, no, no. its ok. i told him i don't get to talk to him much because he doesn't always make sense.

i told him id been talking to lakeview. i asked him if he wanted to be there. he just said i dont know. i told him he would be next to granny cherry. he just said we'd talk later. to go see bre.

i also asked if there was anyone he'd been wanting to see or talk to. he said "i don't know". i try to reassure him that he doesn't have to worry about kyle and i, that we would be ok. he said he worries about us a lot. the most. i told him he doesn't have to. i tried to tell him how kyle is really stepping up. monday, our nurse was getting ready to go home and it was her last day with us doing continuous care. she was going to help us change the sheets and brittany hadn't got back with some new sheets yet. she had just walked out when brittany got back. i asked brittany if the nurse had left. she said yes. i said, no, did she physically pull out of the driveway yet? she said no and i said, go grab her, she was supposed to help us change the sheets. kyle was like, its ok, its ok, we got this. its ok. i was really shocked. im the one supposed to be keeping us from freaking out, right? he came up and gave me a hug and was like, don't worry, we're going to get through this. it really shocked me.

the nurse asked me earlier this week if there was someone dad was waiting on. she said he's really hanging on. he has such bad days. i mean, unable to swallow, completely unresponsive, staring off into space, bad days. but then he has days like to day where he's awake and making sense and able to understand conversations and drink on his own (from a sippy cup). she says hes fighting. hes holding on for something. i just don't want it to be because he's worried about us.

i can feel all the prayers. i havent freaked out since craig left. ive been pretty calm and together all week. i cried a little today talking to dad, but other than that ive been ok. thank you all. thank you for the meals and the coffee and the texts and the facebook comments. even if i dont reply, i read them all. i also eventually listen to the voicemails. some calls i really don't get because i have horrible cell signal here, so i don't answer. im glad that you called but i dont always want to talk. im still exhausted all the time. patrick has a cat over here where dad is staying and im allergic to cats. combine that with all the dust and the remodeling and i sneeze and my nose runs all day. when i take a zyrtec it gives me a sinus headache. all the sneezing and the stress and the poor diet and poor sleep will be catching up with me soon.

craig is in vermont. im glad he's getting to see his family and spend some time in the cooler weather but i wish i was there. i love his family. and i like spending time up there. and im sad that i'm missing his brother's wedding. and i miss having craig here with me. sounds like everythings going smooth up there though.

i finished my "scarf" last night though! its too short to really be a scarf, but i dont know how to add more yarn when i run out yet so i just finished it off. it has a few mistakes at the beginning when i was still learning but the last 2/3 of it a great. its easy. i figured out how to cast off (take the yarn off the needles and end the stitching) by looking up a technique online that sounded like what lori told me to do. turned out good. im ready to start a new one, i just need to get over to the store and get some yarn and possibly some more needles. i really want to make a swing jacket or shrug but i don't know how to read patterns, haha. guess i'll make another scarf for now. maybe even a real scarf this time! now that i have the hang of it it shouldn't take me long to make another one.

ive been going through all kinds of pictures to find some good ones of dad. heres a few for me to leave you with:








i just realized dad's wearing some sort of plaid in all of these pics. guess we know what he likes!

by the way, thats one of him, one of him and my mom when they were young, and one of my grandpa, dad and brother in 2005.

the emotional rollercoaster

back with dad. he's sleeping. been sleeping since i got here. i don't want to wake him. the whole point of his medicine is to make him comfortable and i don't think it gets much more comfortable than sleeping so i'm not going to wake him up to take anything.

saturday was a good day. really good. he ate a lot (a yogurt, an applesauce, an ensure, a few bites of banana pudding). he talked with us and his visitors. he was funny. almost himself. awake most of the day. i mean, he still had his out of it moments. i brought logan (my miniature dachshund) over to him satruday night and he thought it was the cutest thing ever. he didn't remember him. or that i had two dogs. but he was mostly in a good mood and well enough to make you think, man, maybe he's going to come back and fight this thing.

and then there was sunday...

he was in a lot of pain sunday. he wouldn't/couldn't take his morning medicine. he was argumentative and frustrated with everything. night and day from saturday. he wouldnt eat anything. he didn't talk much and when he did, it didn't make much sense. he forgets where he's at. he slept most of the afternoon. they've upped his pain meds and started giving him liquid morphine instead of the lortabs he was taking in between his time released morphine tabs.

they were both hard days in their own way. saturday was hard because it gives you that false hope that he could get better. plus he was so...him. sunday was hard because he was bad. its so hard to watch him suffer. and to look and him and know, that's not him. that's not my dad. my dad is goofy and silly and smart and kind.

his eyes strike me the most. his pupils are so tiny. they never change with the light. he looks at things without even seeing them. sometimes me. the nurse describes it as him having one foot in our world and one foot in the next. sometimes when he's looking around, he's not looking around in this world. those are the times it's easier to let go. it's like he's already gone.

so for now, ill take advantage of the quiet and get some work done.

the new normal

im sitting in dad's room,listening to his oxygen/moisturizer run. dad's semi asleep. he's running fever so he's only covered in a little piece of a sheet. he just asked me to take the comforter off the bed altogether. im exhausted.

i was supposed to make funeral arrangements today but dad has been too awake for me to feel comfortable making any calls about it. sometimes he's aware of what's going on, sometimes he hallucinates. he asked for my help getting up earlier so he could go walk around japan. he said a man told him he was in japan. i told him we were just in louisiana and it wasn't that interesting, he should probably just stay in bed. he said oh, ive been here before. i told him yea. he said, that man lied to me. i told him yes, that man lied to you. he knows who i am but forgets im here sometimes. he's actually a lot better today than he has been all week, minus the japan thing. he's spent a lot of the day awake and can follow simple conversations. he was so bad yesterday they had decided to go with round the clock care for him starting today but he's improved so much today that they're holding off on it. and it has been a pretty good day. tiring, because i have to bed over really close to him to make out what he's saying, but good that he isn't so out of it.

the nurse told us last night she thought she had 1-2 weeks left. i told her that was longer than i thought. she gave us a book about dying so we know what's coming.

i got a little work done this morning but even with everything here it's hard to work. everyone is dependent on me. it's like no one can just make a decision or do something, i have to walk them through every little thing or tell them exactly what to do. my phone rings all the time. if it's not a nurse or a CNA or a dr, its a friend or family member, checking on me or dad. and it's all wonderful sweet people who just care, but it gets really overwhelming.i had a breakdown this morning about it. i panicked this morning when i got here and i thought, omg i can't do this. i called craig (who was on his way after he picked us up some breakfast and took care of the dogs) and told him he needed to hurry. when i got her dad's bed was pulled out from the wall and diagonal in the room. there was a diaper on the floor and dad was laying in bed in nothing but a tshirt telling me i needed to call for help. i knew i needed to get something on him and get his bed pad changed and get him back in bed and i just thought, i can't handle all this. but we did it and i got through it and i fed him a whole yogurt cup and half an ensure and by the time craig got here i had everything under control. and it is really really hard. but i can do this.

i have some of the best friends and family a girl could ask for.

well dad has really fallen asleep now. im going to take the chance to go through some pictures i brought over and havent had a chance to get to.

oh, nevermind...dad's phone is ringing...

hospice

I've had a lot of calls to and from the Hospice people today. I'm having them put in the hospital bed at the new house. Kyle got all the flooring laid yesterday. We finished grouting the tile in the bathroom, we just need to paint, finish off the new sheet rock we put on the ceiling, and put the toilet and sink back in and we can get dad over there. We made good progress in the kitchen and living room last night too. It's coming together.

Dad's kind of out of it. He sleeps a lot. He's not really eating or drinking. I've had lots of people tell me they can't get him on the phone either. There's a nurse at his house right now checking on him. I've talked to doctors and administrators. Everyone from hospice is really really nice.

I told the last lady I talked to about how I went over at lunch yesterday and made dad some pasta and got him to drink some Gatorade and take his medicine but when I went back after work he hadn't eaten his food and hadn't drank anymore from his glass. I told her I brought him some food (he told me at lunch he wanted a meat pie so I brought him one) and he took 3 little bites of it and had me put it in the fridge. I gave him an Ensure that I think he drank most of and he took another pain pill. I told her I needed help getting him to eat. She told me that as diseases advance that people don't have an appetite and not to try to make him eat if he's not hungry. I told her yea, but if people dont eat...And she said, i know, its easier for me to say. So now on top of not giving him blood anymore, they're also not even going to make sure he gets any nutrition either.

I'm not ready to give up and quit fighting. I don't understand why they want me to.

Dad told me yesterday, I'll be back to normal in a day or two. I just told him yea. I know it's not true. I feel like right now I won't have my daddy back at all. He's not himself anymore. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared.

Out of time

I called my dad this evening before I left work. He sounded pretty rough and had developed a cough. He told me he was home though which at the time I thought was great news. I headed over to the house were getting ready for him to move into so we could continue all the clean up and renovations that need to be done. They're moving in with a family friend who is living In his grandparents house. It's full of crap and everything dirty. My brother has almost totally redone the bathroom, we got flooring for dads room and the hallway, we've taken out bags and bags of crap and boxed up other stuff to get it out of the way.

So we worked over there tonight and my brother decided to take me through the garage. As were in the garage he tells me that dad is doing bad and he doesn't think we have much time left. I told him he sounded bad when i talked to him earlier. He said dad has started coughing blood. He said the nurses told him not to be surprised if he starts coughing up tissue. It's a total 180 from Saturday. Saturday he looked good, he was in a good mood, he got to see his old friend Harry, my aunt and her husband, my cousin and my uncle. It was a great day. Yesterday when I went to see him he looked tired and seemed kind of out of it. Now today he's coughing up blood.

Kyle said the doctors won't give him any more blood. They said that it wouldn't improve his prognosis and since he's done with radiation they don't need to keep him strong anymore. They can't find any bleeding, they can't get him to quit running fever, they basically can't and won't do anything else for him. I feel like they've sent him home to die.

So tonight I hit reality head on. No more denial. I feel like theres an elephant sitting on my chest. I feel like our days are numbered. They were giving dad blood every 3 days while he was in the hospital. How long could he possibly make it after his condition has now taken a visible turn for the worst without any more blood transfusions? Theres still so much that needs to be done to get Kyle and dad into this new place, which is literally across the street from my office. I feel like were out of time.

Expect the unexpected

Last Tuesday I took dad In for his cancer dr appointment. They decided his blood was low enough that he needed blood but they were also concerned because his potassium was too high. Appearantly if your potassium is too high you can go into cardiac arrest. They almost immediately started him on something to bring his potassium down and decided to give him 2 more units of blood. They also ordered a scan on his intestines since they never found active bleeding in his stomach or colon. They also ordered a bone marrow scan to see if he is even producing blood anymore. They asked him if he wouldn't mind being admitted so they could keep an eye on his potassium overnight and they would just give him the transfusions then. He agreed to be admitted so what started as a routine visit turned into a hospital stay.

While dad was in the hospital they did the scan on him. He describes it as torture. You have to lay on your back for an hour and a half while it scans you and you're not allowed to move. His has a tumor on his spine so laying still for that long on his back doesn't really work. Luckily they did let him go home wednesday though.

Thursday was back to "normal". I took him to radiation and he was in a good mood. While we were there his best friend from longview called about the birthday party i planned for dad on Saturday. Dad didn't know in invited him. He started to tear up when I told him. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was just thinking about all the people he was going to miss...I was goad that me obviating Harry made him happy and finally excited about his birthday. We planned a big cookout with as many people as we could think of and a brisket and lots of other cookout goodies. Thursday was a good day.

Friday my boss really needed me at the office so my brother had to take him to his cancer dr appointment. I had to do some presentations for some guests we had in the office then in grabbed lunch for everyone. When I went back to my office and checked my cell phone I had two texts from Kyle. He said they were admitting dad back into the hospital. He needed blood again and his blood pressure was really low and he was running a temperature off and on so they were worried about infection. I started making calls to everyone to tell them the party was off and dad was being put back in the hospital (on top of a very frustrating day at work in which I worked hard to book several classes that were cancelled within a few hours of their scheduling). It was a hard, frustrating day. I cried to Craig when I got home. I didn't want dad to spend what might be his last birthday in the hospital.

Since we had already seasoned the brisket we cooked it as scheduled Saturday. I invited nose of my lovely friends over to help us eat it. It was great to see them. Sunday was dads birthday. I got up early and went grocery shopping to bake him his cake of choice, pineapple upside down. Too soon after it was done baking I headed up to the hospital to spend a couple hours with dad. Kyle and I gave him lots of presents and I think he enjoyed his bday as much as you can while you're in the hospital.

Yesterday was my birthday. Dad was supposed to get out of the hospital but instead they redid his "torture" scan. He was moving too much for them to get a good read last time. They pushed the bone marrow test off another day. They also decided he needed more blood again. Its amazing to me how much blood a person can lose without bleeding.

This afternoon dad called me. He was barely coherent. I could tell they did the bone marrow test. All I could make out was that the dr wanted to talk to me. He eventually put the dr on the phone. I couldn't understand him much better between my cell phone and his accent. He said he wanted to talk to me either this afternoon before 5 or tomorrow morning. I told him this afternoon would be better and I scheduled to come see him at 3:30. He wanted to talk to me, and my dad, about his long term care. I wasn't sure what that meant but ifigired if a dr was calling me instead of just talking to dad, it couldn't be good. I tried to wrap things up at the office without working myself into a panic attack.

This is what I learned from the dr: dads caner has spread extensively. Theres a large mass in his left lung. Theres a tumor on his 6th rib, but it's spread to other ribs. Its in his liver. Theres are other nodules on his body that they believe are also cancerous, but won't know without doing a biopsy. His protien is about 30% of what it should be. They think the cancer might be robbing him of the nutrition from what little food he does eat. His white blood cell count is high and he's running a lot of fever, but they cant find any infection. Both could be due to the cancer. He could also have some other sort of cancer floating around in his blood that they haven't identified. They aren't sure. They also did not find any bleeding in his intestines (which is good because it means they don't have to do surgery, but bad because we have no explanation for the blood loss).

It all comes down to this: he's too weak to do chemotherapy. At this point we have two options; he can go home and rest up and when's strong enough they will do chemotherapy or we enlist the help of hospice and make him as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. The dr says hospice is only for terminally I'll people who arent expected to make it longer than 6 months or so. They've told us to start considering it.

My brother made it up to the hospital after the dr left. I went over everything with him. He broke down. It's still completely incomprehensible to me. I really can't picture life without my dad there.

Craig came up to the hospital too and we left together for dinner. During the drive Craig was really struggling to say something to me. He finally asked "did you want your dad to be involved in our wedding whenever we get married?" Then I lost it. All I could say was yea. He asked "do we need to move that up? Fastrack it?" I told him no. As much as it breaks my heart because my dad might not be able to walk me down the aisle, I don't want to jump into marriage because my dad is dying. He said it was something he was thinking about today, he didn't want to upset me. I told him no, I know. Thats just one of my more sensitive subjects.

So thats where we are. No decisions made. One day at a time.

I need some chocolate milk...

life doesn't stop

when i first found out about dad, i told one of my business contacts i talk to on a almost daily basis. he at some point has lost his dad and told me something i didn't really grasp at the time. he told me the thing that surprised him most was that life didn't stop. the whole world keeps turning and you feel like it should have surely stopped by now. i mean, you have a crisis to deal with. shouldnt the universe shift a little so you can take care of this big, life altering event. when he said it i thought to myself, of course it doesnt, life doesn't care what you're dealing with. duh.

but now i feel it. sometimes i feel like screaming, don't you remember what i'm dealing with!? emails and calls still pour in at work. i still have classes to schedule and customers to take care of and a team to manage. i still have a boyfriend at home waiting on me to come home for dinner. i still have dogs to feed and take out. i still have myself that i need to bathe and feed and put to bed. and then i have my dad. we have a seemingly never ending list of doctors appointments and tests i've had to take him to. prescriptions to buy. family to deal with. "just in case" arrangements to be made. but nothing slows down so i can take care of the hard stuff. i run on auto pilot through the week. i dont sleep. well, i lay in bed and move in and out of conscious, but i wake up so often i never really rest. and i get up and barrel through the next day.

and i struggle with leaving dad to deal with all the doctors and appointments himself and going back to my life that's not so patiently waiting for me. but he needs me. my family's always depended on me for the important things. i mean, the two appointments dad handled ended up with us having two appointments 30 minutes apart (which obviously didn't work). i helped him find jobs, i made his resume. in college i would come home on the weekends and clean his house and buy their groceries. when he had his own business and secretaries quit or screwed stuff up, i cleaned up the mess and trained the new one. i take care of things. thats what i do. but right now im being pulled in so many directions i feel like im really just disappointing everyone because i can't do enough for anyone.

so in the past week we've met with the cancer drs again and we started radiation. theyre doing radiation on his back to try and shrink the tumor on his spine to make him more comfortable. they also had a port surgically implanted in his chest for when he starts chemo.

last weekend i made a trip over to longview. when my granny died, my dad's mom, i remembered my dad saying she had bought the plot next to her for him. i remember because it grossed me out at the time (i was 11). but i wasn't sure. so we went over to the cemetery where she and a lot of my family are buried. i hadnt been there since granny's funeral. i spoke with the people in the office and she did buy the space next to hers for dad. it was and is a very surreal moment for me. i went by her gravesite and she and my great grandmother both had flowers in their vases. that made me feel good. i'm guessing it was one of her brothers but i'm not sure. it made me feel good to know they were taken care of since i'd never been back. heck, i had to have a map just to find them then.

dad didn't know i went over there and talked to them. i don't like talking to him about anything like that. im trying to be the message of hope to him. its hard to talk about overcoming something while you're talking to them about their funeral. but then on the way to his appointment thursday he said my mom finally called him. he was telling me about their phone call and then he said "your mother told me i have a plot over in longview?". i think i stopped breathing. i just said "what?". he said she told him he had a plot in longview next to his mother. i told him he told me that when granny died. he said he thought her husband had screwed him out of it just to be spiteful. i told him no. its still there. and left it at that. two days before when we were sitting in the cancer doctor's office he told me he was thinking about being an organ donor. i didn't have the heart to tell him i didn't think he could be. i just told him its a great thing to do and that i was one myself. then he told me he just wanted to be cremated. i told him me too. then i told him about one of my coworkers donating her body to science and we laughed about that and moved on. it feels too soon to be having these talks. he's still "too healthy." that seems really final. im not ready to accept that yet.

i did however go apply for life insurance this week. this has made me realize that someone would have to take care of the "final" stuff if something happens to me. anything could happen at any time. it made dad a little upset that he doesn't have anything to leave us with. i told him kyle and i didn't care, all we want to do is spend time with him, that matters more than a check. money makes people crazy anyway.

and then there's my grandpa. when they took dad up to ICU a few weeks ago they asked about his medical history and the history of his immediate family. when they asked about his father he said (and i quote) "he's the meanest person in the whole world and he will outlive me just to spite me." clearly, its a sensitive subject. while dad was in the hospital my brother called to tell him about it (before we knew how bad it was). grandpa i guess knows now and wanted to see dad. we all had to brace for that. tuesday night we met at outback for dinner. craig and i got there first and talked with grandpa candidly about everything until dad and kyle got there. then it was awkward family dinner time and grandpa swooshed back out and down the road, leaving my brother with $100 to help out. i really believe that he cares about dad but doesnt know how to show it. he had to have some degree of concern to even come over. he didn't have to do that. he's just never been the "throwing the football in the front yard, going on a father son fishing trip" kind of dad. dad has the bitter, they didn't want to be a part of my life before so why should they now thing going on with, well, everyone, but he still loves his dad. its just difficult. he cried when grandpa left. i havent heard from grandpa since dinner so i guess we'll see...

kyle and i have been trying to get the word out too. dad has half brothers and uncles and cousins, all people i havent seen in years and years. thank God for the internet! oddly enough most of the "family" i talk to isn't even technically family anymore, they've all divorced my actual family member, haha. they're kids are still related to me so they're still family as far as i'm concerned. also been trying to track down my dad's friends. i called one of his best friends from longview last week. that was difficult. i'm trying to get people together for dad's birthday this weekend. we're going to grill out on saturday and i want dad to have good time with everyone he holds near and dear (or everyone who feels that way about him). of course it may just be us. who knows! i hope its a special day for him no matter what.

last night i got a welcome cancer break. it was my boss's birthday. he's part boss, part friend really. he's a huge blessing in my life, that's for sure. he's the only one in the office who's always stood by me (of the old people) and believes in me. i go to him for advice a lot too. his wife threw him an awesome goodfellas casino night at their new, not moved into house. they had gaming tables set up to play poker, black jack and craps. i played some black jack with craig at first then ryan talked me into playing craps. he got into this game one night when one of our distributors were in town and we took them out to the boats. i watched him learn but i didn't have a clue what was going on. i learned last night though and it was really fun! i'd like to try it for real some time. it was a really nice night!

today craig was off, which hardly ever happens on a sunday, so we both went to church. i love going to church with craig not just because he's my partner, but because he asks questions. i like peaking his interest in church and the bible. after church i told him "thank you for coming to church with me" and he said "of course!". then he really surprised me. he said "i prayed for you and your dad." it really touched my heart. craig is from up north and church isn't a normal part of life up there and he and i obviously don't go very often (because of his work). i've never heard him talk about praying for anything or anyone. it was one of the sweetest things he ever could have said.

so that pretty much brings us up to date. thank you again for all your love and support. you have no idea how much it means to me.

Where to begin...

Its amazing how quickly life seems to spiral out of control sometimes. I guess I'll start with last year. Dads business has just gone under and after being his own boss for 10 years he was begging for part time minimum wage work. He lost everything when the business closed. The state seized his bank accounts for unpaid sales tax. He was depressed to say the least. He started losing weight then that we discounted as the stress and depression. He bounced from job to job, having a hard time fitting in anywhere. He finally went back to working on cars which took a huge strain on him physically but it put some money back in his pockets. I cant imagine being 55 and having to start over with nothing. And to make matters worse his landlord fell on financial hard times, had to file bankruptcy, and ended up losing their house so it's I the process of being foreclosed on now.

Fast forward to a few months ago. My moms husband called me to let me know my mom had been in a car accident and was in the hospital. She hit a tree while she was under the influence. She broke both of the lower bones in her right leg and had to have this special metal brace put on. She was in the hospital a good two weeks I believe. The worst part was that she seemed like she had totally lost her grip on reality. I called one afternoon and the nurse answered and you could hear her screaming the background "help! Help! Call 911! Get me out of here!" she was convinced everyone was out to get her. She couldn't remember when people called or visited. And today she doesn't remember much of anything about being in the hospital. Her husband wanted to have her evaluated because she was definitely not herself. A few weeks after releasing her they finally did a brain scan and found some brain damage. Then she found out they had decided to charge her with dwi for her accident and put a warrant out for her arrest. About three weeks ago, her husband called to let me know she had been arrested. She was arrested on a Sunday, in found out on a Monday.

Then that Tuesday, as Craig and I are on our way to get desert, Kyle, my brother, calls to tell me he is taking my dad to the ER. He's already done a few hospital trips with dad for an ear infection he couldn't shake so I knew in should go up there to be with them. Sp Craig and I headed up there. Dad was so weak he couldn't even walk into the hospital. We had to go get a wheelchair and wheel him in. Brittany, kyles girlfriend, said she found dad laying on the kitchen floor that evening and told him he needed to go to the doctor. We knew the heat a d working on cars was really taking a toll on him. We wrote it off as heat and age and being out of it for so long. So we waited in the er. For hours. We checked in at 8:30 and didnt get called back until 4:30 that morning. Let me tell you, dad looked bad. His cheeks were all sunken in.He was skinner than I've ever seen him in my life. I could feel all his bones in his shoulders and back when I touched him. When they got us back into a room they were concerned by the color of his skin. By this time he would hardly talk for himself. When he did, it didn't always make sense. They did some blood work and came back and told us that his body had about 30% of the blood it was supposed to. They we surprised he was still conscious. They did some x rays and started him on blood transfusions while we were still in the er. They told us they x rays had showed some nodules in his chest. They told us to be prepared that it could be cancer. As soon as a room was available they wisked him up to ICU. And so began dads hospital stay.

I cpuld tell an almost immediate improvement in him once they got some blood in him. He was talking to the doctors finally. While in ICU they did a scope on his stomach and found no active bleeding. After 4 blood transfusions, they released him into a normal hospital room for more testing. There wasn't any more cancer talk. They just tried to find where dad was losing blood. The ICU nurse told me they found a mass on his lung and his spine that they would have to biopsy to know more and he had to get strong enough to biopsy. After the stomach scope didn't find a anything they tried a colonoscopy which also came out normal. So then they moved on to the biopsy. They took a piece of a mass on his 6th rib. The next day, they told him it was cancer, but they didn't k ow what kind or how extensive. They needed more info. So we waited...

When I went to see dad Friday I could tell he was upset. When I finally got him to tell me what's wrong he said "I only have 6 months to live". I told him, they don't know that. He told me his cancer was in his lungs and adrenal glands and possibly his pancreas and possibly his spine. I asked him what kind it was and he didn't know. He thought several. He said they told hi. They could do chemotherapy but it will only slow the cancer down. They cant cure it. And if he doesn't take to the chemotherapy well they wont even do that. I just told him anything could happen. Well just take it a day at a time. When I left I asked a nurse what type of cancer he had and she found that his chart said non small cell. Enter google...

The American cancer society concurs that there is no cure for non small cell lung cancer. They recommend alternative treatments and trials. That night Craig kept urging me to talk to him but i really didn't have a thing to say. I finally broke down and cried that night in bed. I'm not ready to go through this. I'm not ready to lose my daddy.

And everyone wants to talk about it, see how I am. And I appreciate the love and support but i really don't have much to say. I tell people now I've crossed over into almost total denial. I just cant fathom that 6 months from now, 1 year from now, 2 years from now, my daddy wont be there. That can't be possible. Sure he's a little tired right now, but nothing that bad will happen between now and then. I can't believe that my dad might not be there to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I can't believe that my dad will never get to hold his own grandchildren. I cant believe my dad wont be there to help me buy my first house. Its incomprehensible. He's only 55. When I was younger I used to have nightmares that my dad had died. If i pretend it isn't real, nothing will happen, right?

And as much as I think I'm in denial about it. Part of me is resigned to the fact that this is it. This is all the time I have with him. That part of me set up family pictures on Sunday so we can remember daddy full of life. With hair :) I case things do get bad. That part of me is trying to wrap my head around making sure things are in place...just in case. That part of me is being strong for my little brother and my dad, even when I feel like I'm lying. That part of me is trying to savor every moment I can because in don't know how much longer I'll be able to talk to, to sit with, to laugh with my daddy.

So today was dads first cancer center visit. They told me the cancer has spread to much to even consider surgery and without surgery, the cancer doesn't just go away. They told us something about "improving the quality of life" and that they can "treat, not cure." so once we get some dental work done and they do some radiation on his back to make him more comfortable we will try chemotherapy.

I'm just taking things one day at a time. Between family and my crazy job, it feels like im surround by chaos. Most days i dont think theres enough of me to go around. Everyone needs me. Im doing the best I know how to do right now.

And mom is out of jail for now, but with this being her third dwi, shes facing a long time in the state penn. Its even harded to believe if I get married in the next year or two, I might not have either of my parents there.

I really believe anything can happen. Mostly, I'm hoping for a miracle or two.

Just keep swimming

My oh my. I returned to work today. Over 400 unread emails to handle up on. Luckily, I had at least read most of them while I was out. Left around 60 unread when I finally left this evening. I'm still not feeling well. I hardly have any voice and I feel like i talked all day. I'd like to just lay in bed for a couple days.

I'm glad for the travel reprieve. This last trip really took a toll on me (hence the illness). I had a little breakdown on the trip up because we had a hard time getting up to Vermont. It takes a lot of rest and patience to fly standby. Unfortunately that mor ing we didn't hear my alarm go off. We woke up a little late and rushed over to the airport but we only got to watch our flight leave, they wouldn't put us on it. So I cried, haha. I was so tired. Then we couldn't make it to Burlington. We decided to fly to Boston and luckily Craig's dad and brother came and got us. And the next day, I got sick. It was my body's friendly reminder to slow down.

Now no more flights until October. Then again in December.

Well I think I'll cut this short. I'm not very witty tonight. Wheres my nyquil...

I used to write...

Long long ago in a galaxy far far away, I use to journal pretty much daily. I've had a few people ask me to pick it back up recently and to be honest, I think it will be good for me so I'm back!

However, right now, I'm exhausted from a whirlwind two trips to Vermont in 3 weeks.

Sorry for the teaser!