i like working when no ones here. i get more done. but i hate wasting a perfectly beautiful day. and i'm sure craig would appreciate if i spent a like more time cleaning house since its been neglected for months now. tis my life...
this week was MUCH better than last. except i gave up sweets for lent and thats kind of killing me since i ate SO many before i gave them up. its become more of a personal challenge now. can i really go 40 days without chocolate? i think so because im not counting drinks (chocolate milk!). just candy and desserts and pie and ice cream and such. its hard to not just grab a cookie if i want one though. especially during girl scout season...but thats what got me here.
i've started the dr thing back up. before dad got sick i went to my dr who recommended me to an endocrinologist to figure out why i have such a hard time loosing weight. sweet tooth aside, i eat better than most people i know. we eat a lot, which adds extra calories, but i try to be sensible about what i get. and don't usually clean my plate or anything. and the doctors agree it doesnt appear to be my eating habits holding my back. at home it's nothing but whole wheat this, sugar free that, low sodium this, fat free that. whole foods and organic meats and veggies when sensible. we dont buy snacks or sodas or chips or junk food unless we're having people over for a party so we don't even have that temptation.
its frustrating to me because i eat better than i've EVER eaten in my life. i know about portions and balancing my meals. i know how to eat healthy and most of my choices are healthy. but i weigh more now than i EVER have. ever. and frankly, it pisses me off. in high school, a typical lunch for me was a bag of chili cheese fritos, 2 grandmothers chocolate chip cookies and a dr. pepper from a vending machine. and when i moved to shreveport, we used to go straight from school to mc donalds where id eat a cesar salad shaker, a large fry, and a soda BEFORE DINNER. now, ive never been skinny by any stretch of the imagination, and i know i never will be. my mom and grandmother both had weight problems. my cousins are built similarly to me. we're just big boned, ok! but i think about all the health problems my mom has right now. knee surgeries and hurnias and i DO NOT want to go through that. plus with dad getting cancer, and both my grandmothers having cancer, i know i need to take good care of myself. but it shouldn't be this hard!i shouldn't gain weight and eat the way that i eat.
granted, i know i'm missing the exercise piece. i know that's part of it. but the 30 min, 3 times a week thing didn't really do anything for me. and i weigh so much that exercising makes me miserable. there is nothing fun about working out to me. nothing. i don't feel better after i do it, i feel worse. it doesn't seem to ever get easier for me. i took dance all last year and the last class was just as tolling on me as the first and i didn't help me lose a single pound. i don't eat like a vegan or a health nut, but i don't eat bad enough to be my size either.
so insert dr here.
they're running tests on me to check my hormones and thyroid and all kinds of other stuff i don't understand so hopefully we can get some answers. losing weight is hard. but it shouldn't be this hard. i shouldnt have to eat nothing but vegetables and fruit for the rest of my life. normal people eat bread. im hoping for answers because i dont have 6 hours a day to spend in the gym like the fat people on tv.
and that's another thing that pisses me off. craig and i were watching a show, i think it was called heavy, on A & E. there was this woman on there who i felt like i could connect to. she was one of those cute fat girls. pretty face, just chubby. i was like, alright, someone like me! then they start telling her story...this girl seriously hides food in her closet. at home she would go in her closet and eat while her husband was watching tv and he'd think she was cleaning but she'd really be eating. then she showed a typical meal for her and it was fast food (a big no no for dinner in our house)and she had arbys: fries and potato cakes and egg rolls and a big soda and a sandwich covered in cheese. i would never eat a meal like that! and they went grocery shopping and she picked up a big package of reeses cups that had like 6 or 8 of the double packs in it. she said she would typically eat like 4, then finish off the package later. and she would eat a whole bag of cheetos in one sitting (not a snack bag either). and the kicker...she weighs less than i do! its frustrating to me to watch people who CLEARLY have problems, eat everything in sight but i dont and im heavier than they are. very very frustrating.
and then theres the "s" word. my mom did it. and boy did i judge her for that. i thought she was taking the easy way out. she wasn't willing to do the work. she wasn't willing to learn how to eat right. she just wanted a quick fix. and that's as much my voice as i think it is her reasoning. she was overweight my whole life so now she really does have problems. her thyroid doesnt work at all anymore. she aches and hurts all the time. plus now that she's had the surgery she doesn't get all the vitamins and nutrients her body needs because she's not feeding it right. part of me hates the doctors for letting her go through that without making her learn how to cook for herself and eat healthy balanced meals before they did it. but part of it's just her choosing to turn a blind eye to anything hard. she wants to drink 2 liters of diet coke a day and nothing i say can change that. since then, ive become less judgmental of it for other people, but ive never ever considered it would be an option for me. thats fine for you, but i wouldn't do it.
but then theres a small voice in the back of my head saying, if you could just get it off, it would be easy to maintain. you KNOW how to eat well. and without the excess weight, maybe you'll really like working out. there could be a runner buried in there. i wouldn't know because when i was smaller, i didn't know any better. i thought you were supposed to put 2 cups of sugar in your kool aid. but i do now. but the majority of my brain thinks that voice is CRAZY.
but what if it comes to that? i dont want to do any more long term damage. i want to have children one day. can i even get pregnant at this weight? i dont want to need new knees or hips or ankles. but i can't quit my job and move into the gym. eating healthy, balanced meals isn't enough. what if the dr can't find out why my body is gathering fat like it will never eat again? what if my only options are starve myself and sleep next to the elliptical or have surgery? that terrifies me. i just want them to find out whats wrong.
well, that discussion went a lot further than i planned. i actually planned on writing about something totally different, haha. maybe next time!
however, i'll leave you with a few paintball pictures as promised. i only lasted 2 rounds. only shot the gun once. my boss wanted to go to some sniper range in the middle of the woods first. so after the hike and the tromping through the woods, i was pretty much done. i coudln't breathe. i would have rather started on an easier course (something flat, with less rocks and sticks perhaps). ill give it another try, but i need to start small.
