blue christmas

i know i haven't written since thanksgiving. partly because i don't have anything interesting to talk about, partly because i've been so busy.

mom's birthday was at the beginning of december, which required a trip to texas to see her. plus we went over for "thanksgiving" the weekend before. after that i was off to San Diego for the 2010 ECCU Conference. i received my AHA instructor update and got to talk about En-Pro a lot. the talking about En-Pro part was really fun. the rest of it was miserable. i was sick most of the time and it was nonstop go go go and i still had office work to take care of and it was a lot to deal with. but i loved being able to represent our company and meet new instructors. I love my job, but it's frustrating to not be able to do it effectively.

once I got back from San Diego it was off the the much anticipated Christmas in the Sky. Christmas in the Sky is a huge fundraiser for the arts in Shreveport. It's so big they only do it every two years. This year was Beatles themed and i LOVE LOVE LOVE the Beatles so i just HAD to go. it was awesome! there was a ton of people there so Craig was kind of uncomfortable, but I loved being surrounded by all the Beatle-ness.

the next weekend was my company's Christmas party. two of my best friends have come on board with us this year, and one brought one of my other best friends as his date so it was a great night with great food and great company. i look forward to our Christmas party every year.

and then it was time for Christmas.

Christmas has been tough.

Thanksgiving didn't really bother me, with the exception of my blog post the night before. it kind of got to me then, but that was about it. i think i dealt with it pretty well. Christmas has been hard all month. i haven't been myself. i've not been in the Christmas spirit at all. we plugged in our outside lights once. our tree was only plugged in a handful of times. i didn't bake a single cookie. i waited until the last minute to plan our meal, to buy groceries, to buy presents, to wrap presents. i didn't even make or send Christmas cards this year. i did a super simple meal. i didn't even make a pie. it was so hard to not have dad here. it was so hard to not buy a gift for dad. it's like, in all the planning of Christmas i was constantly reminded that he wasn't there. and for the most part, i did ok. i teared up a few times last week when people would ask how i was doing. that's when i had to admit to myself that i was having a hard time accepting it. on Christmas eve craig and i stayed up much too late and i watched the clock roll over to midnight. Christmas day. i certainly didn't feel merry. when we went to bed i had a hard time falling asleep. i finally couldn't hold back the tears. craig realized i was crying and tried to comfort me. as nice as anyone can be, they're not my dad. the cry was a long time coming.

Christmas day was fine. i wasn't merry, but i didn't cry. i received everything i could have ever wanted. my brother especially spoiled me. it just wasn't the same.

sunday i made plans to see one of my friends while they were in town. i hadn't been to the cometary since the funeral and felt like i really needed to. i decided to go to the cometary on sunday before we met up.

it took me a little while to find the right place but when i did, dad's marker jumped out at me and i began sobbing again. what a moment of reality. and i was a little pissed that they didn't tell me it was there. there's a big process of picking, proofing and making the marker we had to go though. i hadn't heard anything since i approved the proof so i was really surprised to see it. it was covered in dirt so i wiped it all off to get a better look.



someone's put fresh flowers on his mom and grandmother's grave, but he didn't have any. i don't know who's putting flowers out for them, but no one from that side of the family went to the funeral so i don't know if they even know dad died. i was told there was a temporary marker before the permanent one went up so i'm guessing they know now. i meant to bring flowers from the artificial arrangement my aunt sent but i forgot them. i forgot a lot of things i meant to do.

after lunch i got some flowers for him and went back on my way out of town.



it was much easier to be there the second time. not so shocking i guess.

when my grandmothers died, i used to talk to them. much like i prayed. not usually out loud. just in my head. i felt like they could hear me. i wanted them to know i missed them. until Christmas eve, i couldn't talk to dad. it was like i couldn't believe he could hear it because that would mean he had "crossed over". i'm sure this makes me sound super crazy, but i feel like it means i'm moving forward with the healing process. it was too much to accept all at once so i've had to do it in pieces. i can tell dad i miss him now. it's a big step for me.

so this year, since i didnt make christmas cards, i think i'm going with new years cards. be looking for those :) it's time to start a new chapter. time to close the hardest chapter i ever thought i'd have to write. i'm welcoming the new and whatever adventures this year brings. 2010 was hard. i'm ready to welcome something new.