how am i?
numb. shocked. in disbelief. brokenhearted. a combination of all the preceding.
i had just woken up on sunday when my brother's girlfriend called me. she said i needed to get over there right now. i started hyperventilating. i called craig who was at work. i was so hysterical he could barely understand me. it was so hard to breathe. i thought there was no way she could be right. he's just sleeping. they just need to wake him up. its not true. it can't be true.
when i got to their house my brother was on the front porch crying. i ran to hold him. he told me, i didn't listen to her. she told me not to go in there but i did. he told me not to go in there. i didnt. i couldnt. even as i think about it now it takes my breath away.
the day before was the benefit for dad. when i got there my brother and uncle were leaving dad's room. my uncle had tears in his eyes. kyle was visibly distraught. he told me dad wouldn't talk to anyone all day. i had so much to do, i couldn't have a melt down right now. i didn't see dad at all saturday. its bittersweet. i'm glad i dont have any memory of him being so bad. i'm sad i didn't see him alive one last time.
there are just some memories you don't need. i've had to watch dad suffer for so long. i didn't need another sickly image of him in my head. i've seen him sick for so long that the pictures of him don't look like him to me. all these healthy images look so weird to me. i don't want to remember him sick. i don't want anyone else to either. i don't want this disease to define him. he's so much more than that.
i couldnt bring myself to see him on sunday either. it kept the flood of emotions at bay. there was still a piece of my brain that didn't think it was true, as crazy as that sounds. i hadn't seen for myself so i couldn't be sure. don't get me wrong. i knew. i remember looking around his empty room. it looked so strange for him to not be there. but it wasn't real. it wasn't real to me until yesterday.
yesterday we went to the funeral home to finalize the arrangements. before we left, they got the casket ready and let us see everything. then, it was real. he's gone. he's really gone. i'll never hold his hand, or give him a kiss again. ill never hear his laugh or listen to his stories. its amazing to me what the human mind does to protect itself from harm. even looking at him laying there my brain says, cant they fill it back up with something and bring him back? this isn't right. i needed to look. i had to keep reminding myself this is real. he is gone. he's really gone.
it's hard to talk about my dad in past tense right now. it's too fresh and too new. reality still hits me in waves. more often now that i've seen for myself. i put on my brave face to deal with all the business stuff. craig has been so good about keeping my spirits up. making sure i remember to laugh when i can and holding me when i cry. and most of the time, im ok. maybe numb is a better word.
there will be an online obituary up sometime today. the shreveport, marshall and longview papers will all run one thursday. services are saturday afternoon.
we elected to not do an organized visitation. kyle and i need some space. we both start to feel smothered when there's too many people around. i hit a wall sunday and had to go home to be by myself. its hard for me to deal with other people who are really upset because i naturally want to comfort them but im hurting too. we think it would be best to let people grieve and say goodbye as they'd like to on their own time. anyone who wants to see us can see us at the service, but the funeral home is open from 8-5 M-F and anyone who wants to see him and say goodbye can go by anytime they like.
on a lighter note, for those of you wondering about flowers or anything, you might want to keep in mind kyle and i aren't so good with the whole, house plant thing. i'll try, but for some reason i just don't have those skills. dad's favorite color is blue, but there aren't many blue flowers and the flower shop we went to yesterday said she coudln't get any bluebonnets. my favorite flower is a sunflower. kyle and i both like the idea of yellow roses (for texas).
as always, i'm so thankful for the love and support we've received. so thankful. when i'm alone and thinking i feel loved. it's just so hard to breathe sometimes from all the emotions of everything that i need space. space to breath. space to think. space to grieve. then the wave of emotion calms and i can feel everyone's love again. im grateful. i'm grateful dad touched so many lives. i'm grateful so many people care about us. we're going to be ok.
so that's how i'm doing...
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