back with dad. he's sleeping. been sleeping since i got here. i don't want to wake him. the whole point of his medicine is to make him comfortable and i don't think it gets much more comfortable than sleeping so i'm not going to wake him up to take anything.
saturday was a good day. really good. he ate a lot (a yogurt, an applesauce, an ensure, a few bites of banana pudding). he talked with us and his visitors. he was funny. almost himself. awake most of the day. i mean, he still had his out of it moments. i brought logan (my miniature dachshund) over to him satruday night and he thought it was the cutest thing ever. he didn't remember him. or that i had two dogs. but he was mostly in a good mood and well enough to make you think, man, maybe he's going to come back and fight this thing.
and then there was sunday...
he was in a lot of pain sunday. he wouldn't/couldn't take his morning medicine. he was argumentative and frustrated with everything. night and day from saturday. he wouldnt eat anything. he didn't talk much and when he did, it didn't make much sense. he forgets where he's at. he slept most of the afternoon. they've upped his pain meds and started giving him liquid morphine instead of the lortabs he was taking in between his time released morphine tabs.
they were both hard days in their own way. saturday was hard because it gives you that false hope that he could get better. plus he was so...him. sunday was hard because he was bad. its so hard to watch him suffer. and to look and him and know, that's not him. that's not my dad. my dad is goofy and silly and smart and kind.
his eyes strike me the most. his pupils are so tiny. they never change with the light. he looks at things without even seeing them. sometimes me. the nurse describes it as him having one foot in our world and one foot in the next. sometimes when he's looking around, he's not looking around in this world. those are the times it's easier to let go. it's like he's already gone.
so for now, ill take advantage of the quiet and get some work done.
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