Its amazing how quickly life seems to spiral out of control sometimes. I guess I'll start with last year. Dads business has just gone under and after being his own boss for 10 years he was begging for part time minimum wage work. He lost everything when the business closed. The state seized his bank accounts for unpaid sales tax. He was depressed to say the least. He started losing weight then that we discounted as the stress and depression. He bounced from job to job, having a hard time fitting in anywhere. He finally went back to working on cars which took a huge strain on him physically but it put some money back in his pockets. I cant imagine being 55 and having to start over with nothing. And to make matters worse his landlord fell on financial hard times, had to file bankruptcy, and ended up losing their house so it's I the process of being foreclosed on now.
Fast forward to a few months ago. My moms husband called me to let me know my mom had been in a car accident and was in the hospital. She hit a tree while she was under the influence. She broke both of the lower bones in her right leg and had to have this special metal brace put on. She was in the hospital a good two weeks I believe. The worst part was that she seemed like she had totally lost her grip on reality. I called one afternoon and the nurse answered and you could hear her screaming the background "help! Help! Call 911! Get me out of here!" she was convinced everyone was out to get her. She couldn't remember when people called or visited. And today she doesn't remember much of anything about being in the hospital. Her husband wanted to have her evaluated because she was definitely not herself. A few weeks after releasing her they finally did a brain scan and found some brain damage. Then she found out they had decided to charge her with dwi for her accident and put a warrant out for her arrest. About three weeks ago, her husband called to let me know she had been arrested. She was arrested on a Sunday, in found out on a Monday.
Then that Tuesday, as Craig and I are on our way to get desert, Kyle, my brother, calls to tell me he is taking my dad to the ER. He's already done a few hospital trips with dad for an ear infection he couldn't shake so I knew in should go up there to be with them. Sp Craig and I headed up there. Dad was so weak he couldn't even walk into the hospital. We had to go get a wheelchair and wheel him in. Brittany, kyles girlfriend, said she found dad laying on the kitchen floor that evening and told him he needed to go to the doctor. We knew the heat a d working on cars was really taking a toll on him. We wrote it off as heat and age and being out of it for so long. So we waited in the er. For hours. We checked in at 8:30 and didnt get called back until 4:30 that morning. Let me tell you, dad looked bad. His cheeks were all sunken in.He was skinner than I've ever seen him in my life. I could feel all his bones in his shoulders and back when I touched him. When they got us back into a room they were concerned by the color of his skin. By this time he would hardly talk for himself. When he did, it didn't always make sense. They did some blood work and came back and told us that his body had about 30% of the blood it was supposed to. They we surprised he was still conscious. They did some x rays and started him on blood transfusions while we were still in the er. They told us they x rays had showed some nodules in his chest. They told us to be prepared that it could be cancer. As soon as a room was available they wisked him up to ICU. And so began dads hospital stay.
I cpuld tell an almost immediate improvement in him once they got some blood in him. He was talking to the doctors finally. While in ICU they did a scope on his stomach and found no active bleeding. After 4 blood transfusions, they released him into a normal hospital room for more testing. There wasn't any more cancer talk. They just tried to find where dad was losing blood. The ICU nurse told me they found a mass on his lung and his spine that they would have to biopsy to know more and he had to get strong enough to biopsy. After the stomach scope didn't find a anything they tried a colonoscopy which also came out normal. So then they moved on to the biopsy. They took a piece of a mass on his 6th rib. The next day, they told him it was cancer, but they didn't k ow what kind or how extensive. They needed more info. So we waited...
When I went to see dad Friday I could tell he was upset. When I finally got him to tell me what's wrong he said "I only have 6 months to live". I told him, they don't know that. He told me his cancer was in his lungs and adrenal glands and possibly his pancreas and possibly his spine. I asked him what kind it was and he didn't know. He thought several. He said they told hi. They could do chemotherapy but it will only slow the cancer down. They cant cure it. And if he doesn't take to the chemotherapy well they wont even do that. I just told him anything could happen. Well just take it a day at a time. When I left I asked a nurse what type of cancer he had and she found that his chart said non small cell. Enter google...
The American cancer society concurs that there is no cure for non small cell lung cancer. They recommend alternative treatments and trials. That night Craig kept urging me to talk to him but i really didn't have a thing to say. I finally broke down and cried that night in bed. I'm not ready to go through this. I'm not ready to lose my daddy.
And everyone wants to talk about it, see how I am. And I appreciate the love and support but i really don't have much to say. I tell people now I've crossed over into almost total denial. I just cant fathom that 6 months from now, 1 year from now, 2 years from now, my daddy wont be there. That can't be possible. Sure he's a little tired right now, but nothing that bad will happen between now and then. I can't believe that my dad might not be there to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I can't believe that my dad will never get to hold his own grandchildren. I cant believe my dad wont be there to help me buy my first house. Its incomprehensible. He's only 55. When I was younger I used to have nightmares that my dad had died. If i pretend it isn't real, nothing will happen, right?
And as much as I think I'm in denial about it. Part of me is resigned to the fact that this is it. This is all the time I have with him. That part of me set up family pictures on Sunday so we can remember daddy full of life. With hair :) I case things do get bad. That part of me is trying to wrap my head around making sure things are in place...just in case. That part of me is being strong for my little brother and my dad, even when I feel like I'm lying. That part of me is trying to savor every moment I can because in don't know how much longer I'll be able to talk to, to sit with, to laugh with my daddy.
So today was dads first cancer center visit. They told me the cancer has spread to much to even consider surgery and without surgery, the cancer doesn't just go away. They told us something about "improving the quality of life" and that they can "treat, not cure." so once we get some dental work done and they do some radiation on his back to make him more comfortable we will try chemotherapy.
I'm just taking things one day at a time. Between family and my crazy job, it feels like im surround by chaos. Most days i dont think theres enough of me to go around. Everyone needs me. Im doing the best I know how to do right now.
And mom is out of jail for now, but with this being her third dwi, shes facing a long time in the state penn. Its even harded to believe if I get married in the next year or two, I might not have either of my parents there.
I really believe anything can happen. Mostly, I'm hoping for a miracle or two.
