i can't believe it's thanksgiving already. the days just fly by.
it's been non stop since i went back to work. there's so much going on. i feel like i could work 12 hours a day and still never catch up. the company is ever changing and evolving so there's always some new project to work on. plus i hired a new person so i've been training them. and last week i got permission to have my friend justin come work for me temporarily. he just passed the bar but has had trouble finding a job and i needed help so he came in from dallas to stay with us and work for a bit. it seems that what started as temporary will be turning permanent soon though. im super grateful to have him on my team. and i'm thankful i have a job that keeps me busy. i'm thankful that in a recession, we still have tons of work. and i'm thankful for my boss who has been a huge blessing in my life for the past three years.
i expected thanksgiving to be hard. it's our first holiday without dad. until tonight, it really hadn't been. in fact, it didn't feel any different than normal and i've honestly been so busy i havent thought a whole lot about the day at all. i remember stopping for a second today and thinking, oh my gosh, thanksgiving is tomorrow! but now that i'm home...and it's quiet...and a box of my dad's clothes sits in my dining room...and i just so happened to receive dad's death certificate today (talk about a surreal moment)...and i look at the stack of thank you cards on my bar that i STILL haven't mailed out even though they've been addressed for weeks...and it's starting to hit me.
i don't think to call him quite as much anymore. there still isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about him though. that i don't miss him. a lot. it's this achy feeling. i look at pictures and can't believe he isn't here anymore. i honestly thought this could be his last thanksgiving. when he was diagnosed, i never dreamed he wouldn't make it this long. obviously, i had to face realty at the end of september and knew he wouldn't, but that really bad time is becoming fuzzier to me. thankfully. i remember being so frustrated while dad was sick. each day felt like an eternity to me. and i look back now and think, wow the time went so fast. 3 short weeks. not even two months from the time he was diagnosed until the time he died. i think about last thanksgiving and the fact that dad had this horrible disease that caused his body to turn on him and we had no idea. and i'm glad. because last thanksgiving, life was normal. we weren't worried about how precious time was. we weren't worried about what tomorrow held. we ate well and we enjoyed each other's company and we watched some football. we had no idea what this thanksgiving would be like and it didn't matter. we enjoyed that day for what it was.
i feel like my blog has kind of turned into an all about dad journal. this is about the only time i talk about it though. life goes on, 100 MPH, and i don't really sit still long enough to talk about it. but it's always there with me, in the back of my mind. anytime life quiets enough, mostly on my drive home, or other moments when i find myself not at work and by myself, it's always the first thing that pops into my mind. so i'm sorry if it seems like i'm dwelling, but it's still very real to me. it feels very new. i feel like im always entering different phases of "dealing with it" but im still dealing with it, even if i don't talk about it.
so yes, i have MUCH to be thankful for, but right now, i'm feeling a lot like something's missing. or rather, someone. and at 11:30 at night, the night before thanksgiving, that's what i'm thinking about. the one who's not here.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
we're just like you...only prettier
i sort of accidentally happened upon politics. during college i would consider myself largely apathetic. and i'm still not exactly a political activist or anything. when i was old enough to vote, i registered as a republican because i thought i was supposed to. i mean, i was southern, i was christian, and i was pretty sure my parents were republican. i didn't exactly come from a politically interested family either so i just went with it. i voted once because a classmate's dad was running for school board. thus ended my political stint.
in college however, all the cool kids were democrat. it felt so rebellious to be democrat. i wasn't quite ready to cross over to the dark side yet, but i did drop the republican affiliation. i didn't vote. i didn't complain. i just watched.
i decided that political parties in general were ridiculous and i still don't understand what purpose they serve other than to divide people for no good reason. its like race. what the hell does it matter? no democrat believes the same as another democrat, no republican believes the same as another republican, no white person is the same as another person, no black person is the same as another black person. why do we have to lump everything we are and everything we believe into a single label? people are people. period. why can't we evaluate a candidate based on their campaign and not just label them?
as many of you know, one of my dear friends is running for mayor of shreveport. his brother is my boss and that puts me in the middle of campaign headquarters. me. the non voter. the politically apathetic. but in my 3 years here, i've come to know Bryan as a person, as a city councilman, and as a friend. i got to see the city from "the other side." it was fascinating! and i can't even vote for him because i don't live in shreveport anymore, but he's a good, honest man who really cares about this town and about the people in it. i believe he can revitalize this city and im pulling for him as hard as i can!
and then i met craig. craig cares A LOT. he gets really bent out of shape about the government and economics and the country in general. and while i'm not nearly as passionate about it as he is, i care about things that he cares about. so two years, i took an objective look at the two presidential candidates and chose as i call it, the lesser of two evils. i know more about the country and the city than i ever dreamed i would. i care more than i ever dreamed i would. i dont like the way the country is now. i don't approve of a lot of the change that has happened and i absolutely don't trust our current president (but i dont think he is a lot of the things people say about him either). so today, i voted.
im neither liberal or conservative. i'm neither republican nor democrat. i dont think i fit in anywhere and that's ok. i'm a little from column A, B, C & D. party voting disgusts me. following someone blindly disgusts me. close mindedness disgusts me. but i believe we live in a great country. i think it's time to reevaluate a lot of things going on right now, and the political parties are one of them. i just wish people would listen to what candidates are really saying and not what they (or someone else) wants them to hear.
in college however, all the cool kids were democrat. it felt so rebellious to be democrat. i wasn't quite ready to cross over to the dark side yet, but i did drop the republican affiliation. i didn't vote. i didn't complain. i just watched.
i decided that political parties in general were ridiculous and i still don't understand what purpose they serve other than to divide people for no good reason. its like race. what the hell does it matter? no democrat believes the same as another democrat, no republican believes the same as another republican, no white person is the same as another person, no black person is the same as another black person. why do we have to lump everything we are and everything we believe into a single label? people are people. period. why can't we evaluate a candidate based on their campaign and not just label them?
as many of you know, one of my dear friends is running for mayor of shreveport. his brother is my boss and that puts me in the middle of campaign headquarters. me. the non voter. the politically apathetic. but in my 3 years here, i've come to know Bryan as a person, as a city councilman, and as a friend. i got to see the city from "the other side." it was fascinating! and i can't even vote for him because i don't live in shreveport anymore, but he's a good, honest man who really cares about this town and about the people in it. i believe he can revitalize this city and im pulling for him as hard as i can!
and then i met craig. craig cares A LOT. he gets really bent out of shape about the government and economics and the country in general. and while i'm not nearly as passionate about it as he is, i care about things that he cares about. so two years, i took an objective look at the two presidential candidates and chose as i call it, the lesser of two evils. i know more about the country and the city than i ever dreamed i would. i care more than i ever dreamed i would. i dont like the way the country is now. i don't approve of a lot of the change that has happened and i absolutely don't trust our current president (but i dont think he is a lot of the things people say about him either). so today, i voted.
im neither liberal or conservative. i'm neither republican nor democrat. i dont think i fit in anywhere and that's ok. i'm a little from column A, B, C & D. party voting disgusts me. following someone blindly disgusts me. close mindedness disgusts me. but i believe we live in a great country. i think it's time to reevaluate a lot of things going on right now, and the political parties are one of them. i just wish people would listen to what candidates are really saying and not what they (or someone else) wants them to hear.
Monday, November 1, 2010
November
I can't believe it's November. Of course, there are a lot of things I have a hard time believing right now.
Routine has set back in and my life is settling down. I can do "normal" things like work and go grocery shopping and cook dinner. Routine is comforting. Work is like my security blanket. Things are predictably unpredictable here. I know what to do. I can change things. I can help situations. I have control over my day and the things in it. It's comforting.
I can go days at a time without crying, but my heart is still broken. I've received a card almost every day from someone and I really appreciate them. I've trying to put together some sort of memorial keepsake box to keep all the stuff from the funeral and all my cards and the obituaries and such in. Kyle and I are ok. Trying to spend as much time as we can together. I used to have lunch with dad every Tuesday and dinner with him every Thursday until he couldn't really afford it anymore and was too depressed to really want to. Kyle and I have started Thursday night dinners back up. I'm so glad we grew closer through all of this.
I still have moments when I think "I haven't talked to dad in a while I should call him" or "I should call dad and tell him about...". I used to tell him everything. Last night I admitted that to Craig after we ran out of candy. I thought, "I should call dad and tell him about my trick or treaters." As soon as I think it, I know I can't. I can't help it though. I told Craig that I keep thinking of things to call and tell dad and saying it out loud was enough to make me cry. He hugged me and told me I could tell him things and I said I know I can, but you were here, I don't have to tell you about the trick or treaters.
I had dad's phone cut off today. That was hard. He's had that phone number for like, 10 years. I know it. I don't know many people's numbers (thank you technology). I know his, Craigs (which took me a while but now its only one number different from mine), Ryan (my boss), and I just barely learned my brothers since dad got sick. No one has called his phone since before the funeral so I didn't see the sense in keeping it on any longer. It's just really hard to cut those ties. It's like with every little thing, I have to admit that my dad is gone again and I have to realize it all over again.
But other than that, life goes on and everything's normal. Craig and I are great. Work is going well. The dogs are happy. We're all ok.
I thought dad's funeral service went really well. Dr. Cox did a great job on his memorial. He made us remember the good times, which is what I wanted. I wanted it to be a celebration of his life and I think it was. For those of you who missed it, I had my friend Justin make us a memorial video for the service. Here's a link to it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDi1bOIFIZg
I'm so thankful for all the love and support and prayers and hugs and cards and I know I say that on like, every post, but I am. I know I'm not good about saying it when it happens and I want you all to know I'm still taking it all in. I'm really thankful for the kindness everyone has showed to us. It's very easy to count my blessings :)
Routine has set back in and my life is settling down. I can do "normal" things like work and go grocery shopping and cook dinner. Routine is comforting. Work is like my security blanket. Things are predictably unpredictable here. I know what to do. I can change things. I can help situations. I have control over my day and the things in it. It's comforting.
I can go days at a time without crying, but my heart is still broken. I've received a card almost every day from someone and I really appreciate them. I've trying to put together some sort of memorial keepsake box to keep all the stuff from the funeral and all my cards and the obituaries and such in. Kyle and I are ok. Trying to spend as much time as we can together. I used to have lunch with dad every Tuesday and dinner with him every Thursday until he couldn't really afford it anymore and was too depressed to really want to. Kyle and I have started Thursday night dinners back up. I'm so glad we grew closer through all of this.
I still have moments when I think "I haven't talked to dad in a while I should call him" or "I should call dad and tell him about...". I used to tell him everything. Last night I admitted that to Craig after we ran out of candy. I thought, "I should call dad and tell him about my trick or treaters." As soon as I think it, I know I can't. I can't help it though. I told Craig that I keep thinking of things to call and tell dad and saying it out loud was enough to make me cry. He hugged me and told me I could tell him things and I said I know I can, but you were here, I don't have to tell you about the trick or treaters.
I had dad's phone cut off today. That was hard. He's had that phone number for like, 10 years. I know it. I don't know many people's numbers (thank you technology). I know his, Craigs (which took me a while but now its only one number different from mine), Ryan (my boss), and I just barely learned my brothers since dad got sick. No one has called his phone since before the funeral so I didn't see the sense in keeping it on any longer. It's just really hard to cut those ties. It's like with every little thing, I have to admit that my dad is gone again and I have to realize it all over again.
But other than that, life goes on and everything's normal. Craig and I are great. Work is going well. The dogs are happy. We're all ok.
I thought dad's funeral service went really well. Dr. Cox did a great job on his memorial. He made us remember the good times, which is what I wanted. I wanted it to be a celebration of his life and I think it was. For those of you who missed it, I had my friend Justin make us a memorial video for the service. Here's a link to it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDi1bOIFIZg
I'm so thankful for all the love and support and prayers and hugs and cards and I know I say that on like, every post, but I am. I know I'm not good about saying it when it happens and I want you all to know I'm still taking it all in. I'm really thankful for the kindness everyone has showed to us. It's very easy to count my blessings :)
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