Monday, January 6, 2014

8 weeks later

Well, I started this blog 2 days ago, when she was 8 weeks old, but she had other plans in mind. We've had a few sleepless days in a row. She sleeps great at night, but unless we take her on a car ride, she does not nap during the day for longer than 5 or 10 min at a time. I like that she's awake but she still doesn't have much interest in toys and she can't sit up and doesn't want to sit in her swing or bouncer long, so it means a whole lot of snuggle time, which is a sweet but makes it really hard to get anything done. Friday I wanted to make chicken spaghetti and she was giving me a hard time. I had her in the carrier, but it's hard for me to reach things when I'm wearing her and I figured boiling water probably wasn't safe for her to be that close to, haha. She was screaming at me when Craig walked in the door. I said "oh thank God! Here!" and handed her off so I could stir and hold the bowl at the same time, haha.

Two weeks from today will be my first day back at work. I thought I was coming to terms with it, but I had a mini panic about it last night (you know, at 1:30 AM- when you think rationally about everything). It overwhelms me to think about trying to keep her on breastmilk while I work. I can't pump enough at one time to cover what she eats at one time. We nurse fine. She gets plenty. She's gaining tons of weight. We're all good there. I hate that I need to jeopardize that so we can live more comfortably. I don't want to. I want to keep living in baby land, where we stay in bed till 9 AM, and I don't have to get dressed if I don't want to (or she doesn't want me to, haha) and we can nurse, and read books, and pretend to play, and cuddle all day long. Because soon she will be playing. And crawling. And learning so much about the world around her. I want to teach it to her. I want to be the one who shows her new things, takes her new places. I want to be the first person she crawls to. I don't mind that the sink is full of dishes and there is laundry on the couch and that sometimes I have to lay her on the rug in the bathroom just so I can pee. I would take all of that any day over being at my office 8 hours a day.

And I don't even know who just typed that. That's not me. That's not the Alison who graduated in 3.5 years because she worked her ass off all the time (21 hours my last semester!). That's not the Alison who had dreams of wearing a pantsuit and heels and carrying a briefcase into a downtown high rise, making the big bucks and driving a fancy car. I always, always wanted to have children. But I never tried to merge those two worlds. I always pictured myself as a really successful businesswoman and a great mom, but not at the same time. I don't know why. It never crossed my mind that I had separated them like that until now. I never pictured what my life would be like as a working mom. And I think it's really unfair that I have to do both now.

Have to is a strong word. Craig and I have always been fairly conservative financially. When we bought a house, we made sure it was one we could afford on one person's salary, just in case. But we pictured that as an emergency situation. Something temporary. And we have goals now. We still need to pay off our cars. We want a boat. If we still live in Louisiana, I want to put Lorelai in private school. All of Craig's family lives on the other side of the country- we want to see them occasionally. That all takes money. And I want to see my husband. I don't want him to work around the clock. So I tell myself that I have to sacrifice something good for something better. Life will be much more comfortable if I have an income. And maybe one day when we don't have car payments and we don't have to pay mortgage insurance on our house, we'll have more breathing room and I won't have to work so hard.

Or maybe by then I'll have it all figured out. I'll enjoy living in both worlds. Most women seem to. I thought I'd be one of them. I thought I'd be one of the ones who said "oh by 6 weeks I was ready to go back to work!" But I'm not. I like my job. I like my coworkers. The company I work for is fantastic. I still feel like I finally have everything I worked so hard to get (and I don't have to wear a pantsuit and heels!). I just don't want someone else to raise my child.

We travel to Ft. Worth (again) tomorrow for her lip tie procedure. I had one of those ah-ha moments last week when I realized my benefits have all reset since it's a new year so now I can use my Flex Spending card for the procedure instead of cash. It was one of those moments that I really felt like God orchestrated. The procedure is a little over $500. We originally had it scheduled for the day before we flew to Vermont in December. The horrible ice storm kept us from making it to their office though.

So we flew to Vermont and on our way home the next week, I got a text from our office manager saying she had to talk to me that day. So I called her from the Houston airport. There was a misunderstanding in my Short Term Disability payments. Basically, instead of receiving 6 weeks of pay while I was out, I was only going to receive 4, because they counted the first 2 weeks (in which they don't pay you so I had taken vacation time). I had already planned to take 2 extra weeks unpaid. This meant I would have to take 4. I had had approximately 3 hours of sleep the night before and had just gotten off a 4 hour flight with my newborn. This news hit me so hard I was ugly crying in the middle of the Houston airport. According to the disability company, I should be coming back to work 3 days later. The thought of going back to work that soon, and losing out on money I had meticulously budgeted for was so overwhelming in my sleep deprived, emotional state.

But we got home, I ran numbers, and I saw that we would be ok. And I breathed. But it made us tighten up.

So when I realized I didn't have to use our cash for her appointment, the lightbulb finally went off. I was so upset when we couldn't get to Ft. Worth that I had to hold back tears the whole way home from Dallas (I cry a lot these days, haha). But it turned out being a blessing in disguise because money ended up being tighter than I thought and because I couldn't get back in until after the first of the year, now we don't have to use our cash for the appointment. A blessing in disguise.

So I'm going to try to savor these last weeks. And keep telling myself I'll still have weekends. Craig works Saturdays so every Saturday will be Mommy Daughter day. And keep begging my boss to change my schedule to 4-10s so I have an extra day at home with her.

She is growing like a weed. She rolled over 2 weeks ago at my friend's house, which I read she isn't supposed to be able to do for a few more months! She had done it the night before too, but I had her chest laying on a pillow on her tummy time mat so I thought she had just used the pillow for leverage. The girls at the office think she's teething too. She's smiling more every day, but I still can't tell if it's intentional or not. She stares at toys, but won't reach out for them or hold them yet. She loves being read to. We read a lot of books. And she has a great bedtime routine. We swaddle her, I make sure her tummy is full (before or after the swaddle), then put her in her bassinet. I read her a story, then turn on some white noise and give her her paci. She doesn't always go right to sleep, but she lays there content until she does. No crying. We're not a "cry-it-out" family. She's way too young for that. If she cries, it's because she needs something (usually food!). She usually sleeps from around 10 or 11 until 5 or 6 before she needs to nurse. She nurses for 8 minutes or so then goes right back to sleep for about 2 hours. Works great for us. Like I said, it's just during the day where she doesn't want to sleep.

Speaking of which, someone is up from her carseat nap...time to eat!