under pressure

i get so overwhelmed sometimes i could just cry. and sometimes i do. its just so much sometimes.

dad's not doing well. hes really weak. barely talks. barely drinks. mostly sleeps. its really hard to watch. its painful now to think of the good times. when he was healthy and happy. i miss it. i miss him so much. i want to be able to go have lunch with him at georges like we used to. i want him to call me on the phone just because he hasn't talked to me in a few days. i want him to go to the mudbugs opening night tonight so we can watch the game together. but we cant. he can barely tell me when he wants something to drink. he's too young. i'm too young.

dad's pool hall is having a benefit for him tomorrow. when we picked this date, i remember feeling like it was so far away. i knew he'd never make it this long. he's surprised all of us by hanging in here. he doesn't know about the benefit. i know he wouldn't be crazy about it. i'm not crazy about it. it's really hard to take money from people. it's not your fault he doesn't have life insurance or any savings. it's not your fault we're not prepared. it's not your burden. i'm too stubborn and prideful, i know. the straight out donations are the hardest because they're just giving and they don't expect anything. i'm the caretaker. that's my job. at least with the benefit i can cook for people and give them something in return for their money. it makes it easier. it's overwhelming to me when people are so giving. thank you doesn't seem like enough. i'm used to being the giver. givings easy. being there for people is easy. dad was the same way. we like to earn what we receive. and i know the people who have donated are doing so cheerfully and don't expect anything, just like i would have. its just very humbling. gratitude is humbling. i hope this doesn't make me sound like a horrible person. it's hard to be humbled.

well i'll keep this short and sweet. just wanted to check back in because i know i've been distant. its' all just wearing on me.