21 Days of Lorelai

Hard to believe she's actually 3 weeks old today. It doesn't feel like we've been home for 3 weeks. More like 3 days. I feel like things are still that new. Still that hard. Of course, it's been a busy 3 weeks. That probably contributes to my feeling of time loss.

So when she was born, my brother was still living with us. We tried to get him his own place before she was born and things didn't work out. I never minded him staying, and was actually really thankful for the help, but I felt like we should be bringing a baby home without me having to worry about keeping a shirt on all the time, ya know? I'd have enough on my plate. So he was still with us when she arrived.

As you other mothers may know, the baby isn't the only thing that arrives. The baby brings this emotional roller coaster that for the most part, has been more like a kiddy ride for me. I've been lucky- no uncontrollable sobbing or anything. Until my brother moved out. Whoa did I take that hard. Seeing the guest room empty for the first time, I walked in and looked around and cried. I felt like it was my child moving out. I felt like I was losing my brother. It was so hard for me to think about not seeing him every day. And I know in my head that I'm not being logical and that there's no reason for me to be sad but I couldn't help it. And I kept on my brave face, but it made me tear up more than once during those first few days.

The roller coaster has also made it hard for me to find my place in my marriage since the baby is here. Craig adores her. And when I watch him with her, it makes me so happy that his is my husband. That has been, hands down, the best part of having her here. But sometimes, I start to worry. Does he like her more than me? Does he still like me at all? And we're SO busy being Mom and Dad that we have basically NO time to be Wife and Husband. And for almost 6 years, that's what we've been. Very affectionate, very touchy feely, kissy kissy, Husband and Wife. I've never had to share Craig with anyone else. I was the center of his world. I got all the attention. And now, I don't. And sometimes, if I'm being honest, that makes me sad. I miss being Wifey sometimes. And I know this is just a phase and pretty soon we'll be able to go to bed at the same time and kiss each other goodnight, but in those rare moments where we can finally cuddle on the couch I realize how much I miss it.

And nursing...whoa. I read all the horror stories before I had her. I messaged my friend April and asked "Is it really THAT bad? It sounds terrifying!" She assured me that it wasn't. I wasn't that lucky though. Blisters, scabs, excruciating pain. That's what nursing has been like for me. I finally broke down and fixed her a bottle of formula (thank God Enfamil sent us samples!). I've been supplementing with one bottle almost every day since, either because of the pain, or because I'm not brave enough to nurse her in public yet.

So I called a Lactation Consultant. She came over and spent a few hours with us. We worked on getting her to latch better. And sometimes, it's not so bad. Then when I had my checkup with my midwife I told her about the troubles I had had. She took a look at realized Lorelai has a pretty strong lip tie, which can be pretty easily corrected, but the only person she had to recommend was in Ft. Worth. She told me about her son, who had lip tie before she knew what it was. He was her third so she was much better at nursing than me and they just worked through it, but he, like Lorelai would often get frustrated and pop off and scream. Then when she became pregnant with her next, her son couldn't nurse enough to bring her supply back up so she had to wean him at 10 months. Then, when he was older, he ended up having to go to 2 years of speech therapy because he couldn't make the "mm" sound. So she highly recommended we get it fixed. I'm hoping this is our missing link. The pain is still really intense when she latches on. She gets frustrated. It's been a challenge to say the least!

You can read about lip tie here: http://theleakyboob.com/2012/11/the-basics-of-tongue-and-lip-tie-related-issues-assessment-and-treatment/

But overall, she has been such a good baby. We've only had 3 or 4 long nights where she didn't want to sleep, or stayed up for 4 or 5 hours. She isn't very fussy. We treated her for gas for the first time last night when we couldn't figure out why she was screaming. It was our first inconsolable moment. The Gripe Water seemed to help. She calmed down and eventually went to sleep. She does good in public because she pretty much just sleeps as long as we time everything right. She's more alert now. Her eyes make me melt! She makes the cutest faces! I love when I'm carrying her chest to chest and she lays her head on me. I love rubbing my face on her head. She's a great snuggler. I'm looking forward to her being more interactive!

I have all my birth pictures loaded onto my computer now. I wanted to share a few with you, because I know at least a few of you will be interested. If you're not, you can stop reading now ;) Here's some pictures from 3 weeks ago:

Labor at the birth center with Craig and Kyle

Contraction! Craig liked to time them still- I didn't care anymore, haha 

Midwife adding water to the birth tub

Contraction! 

Another contraction

SO over it...

The midwife and her assistant coaching me through labor at the hospital

I like that you can see my monitor in this one

I love the look on my face here, haha

Oh Thank God it's over!

Oh... hey baby!

They convinced Craig to cut the cord- love the look on his face!

Finally sinking in what happened...

Doctor still working away...

 love this one

Our new little family :)

There and back again...the tale of Lorelai

Well if you're reading this, you probably already know that Lorelai is here. What you don't know is what it took to get her here. So here's our story (and I didn't sugar coat it, but hopefully you expect that from me)...

Lorelai was due Friday November 8. Only 4-5% of babies are born on their due date. I never ever ever would have thought she would be born on her due date. Not only because of that statistic, but because of my weight. Overweight women obviously have more fat cells and fat cells store estrogen and the more estrogen you have, the longer it takes for your body to go into labor. From the very beginning, I knew she was going to be late.

Friday morning at midnight I woke up needing to go to the bathroom. Nothing unusual. But I was feeling some pain. I assumed I was uncomfortable and may be having some gas too. I went back to sleep but woke up again at 1 AM. More pain. About 1:30, I decided I was having contractions and should probably start timing them. The first one I timed was 51 seconds long. The next one happened 9 minutes later and lasted for 55 seconds. Ok. Looks like these are significant. It was clear I wasn't going to be able to sleep so I got up. They started out slow, but there was a build up that got a little painful. Nothing I couldn't deal with though. I double checked the note from my midwife: call her when contractions are under 10 min apart and over 30 seconds long. It may not be "it", but it could be. I needed something to do. What does any fat girl do while she's timing contractions in the middle of the night? Start making sausage balls, of course. So I started mixing them up and got two trays in the oven. Though they were inconsistent, my contractions were all around 10 min apart. I thought we should at least give the midwife a heads up. I went to wake Craig at 3:30. I told him I thought we should call the midwife because I had been having contractions. He was very confused. He asked what I had been doing and I told him "making sausage balls". He said, "are you pulling my leg right now?" No! I showed him my timer app. I reiterated that I thought we should call the midwife. He said, well, I need to take a shower! I was like, it doesn't mean we're going to see her, it's just to give her a heads up. He still wanted to take a shower first. Ok honey. I went back to my sausage balls.

After Craig took his shower, we finally called the midwife around 4 AM. Charlotte, my midwife, told me to call her back if anything changed and if they spread out to around 15 minutes apart to try to get some sleep because I would need it. Ok. I told Craig I wanted to go up to my office. It was supposed to be my last day of work so I had a few loose ends to tie up but I didn't want to be timing contractions at work. Plus I hadn't slept all night. Craig took me up to my office so I could take care of the last minute items I had on my plate, sent a few emails to co-workers and my boss, and said goodbye to work until next year.

Before we got home, my brother texted us. He's been staying with us and while we were gone, the dog woke him up barking. He sent a text to see if we were ok. We were pulling into the driveway so I went in and got back to my sausage balls. Kyle came out of his room and said "Don't you people ever sleep?" We filled him in. He asked if he should call into work and we told him no, that this could go on for a while and I assured him that we'd still be there when he got off work. Craig decided to stay home with me though, just in case, so around 6 he called in sick. My contractions were around 13-14 minutes apart by then so I decided to try and get some sleep.

I dozed off and on from 6-8. Word was starting to spread so the texts had started coming in. I focused on resting as much as possible. I fell back asleep around 10:30 for another hour. Craig slept too, but he slept until like 2. I was getting restless. The contractions were getting more intense and losing their "build up". Unfortunately they weren't getting any more regular. Sometimes 6 minutes apart, sometimes 13. Super frustrating. I was hungry and convinced Craig to take me to IHOP. Got some food in me and came back and got in bed. Waiting, waiting, waiting. From 9:30-10:30, all the contractions were less than 10 minutes apart, sometimes 3 minutes, sometimes 8 minutes. No consistency. We decide to call the midwife at 10. She tells us to time for 30 more minutes and give her a call. At 10:30 she tells us to head over to the birth center. It's finally go time!

We arrive at the birth center around 11. Kyle follows us over. Bre and Laci meet us there. My contractions are pretty painful at this point. I no longer care about how far apart they are. Not my problem anymore, haha. We finally make it to midnight Saturday. Lorelai had officially missed her due date.

For the next 7 hours, I labor at the birth center. The midwife checks me around 12:30. She says I'm dilated to a 3 or 4 and completely effaced, which she says is a big deal for a first time mom. I Google what it means because I have no idea. I am in serious pain. She doesn't want to let me get into the birth tub until I'm dilated to a 6. So I lay in bed in the birthing room. Nothing provides any relief. I think about all the techniques I read about, all the birth stories I read. I think about women who say bending over or being on their knees helped. I think about women who say they walked through the pain. I think about women who swayed or rocked through the pain. Nothing helps, not even a little. It's just relentless pain. Around 5 AM, Charlotte checks me and says I'm at a 5 and that she'll let me get in the birth tub for 2 hours. She's a little concerned about my blood pressure and things the tub may help. She said if I don't dilate and if it doesn't bring my blood pressure down, we're going to have to talk about transporting to the hospital.

I'm ecstatic about being able to get in the birth tub because I'm convinced this is the magical pain relief I've been waiting on. I climb in and do feel instant relief. The first contraction comes. Much better. Then the second...ok, that hurts more. By the 3rd or 4th contraction, they hurt just as bad as they did out of the water. I try leaning over the side. Nope. Not helping. I try to just focus on how good it feels between contractions to be in the water. I'm miserable. I get out of the tub and go sit with Craig on a lounger. I'm exhausted. I just want this to be over. Charlotte comes to get me shortly after. My blood pressure did go down some, but I'm still at a 5. I think this is never going to be over. While I was in the tub, Charlotte received the results of the 24 hour urinalysis she had me do earlier in the week. My protein is a little above normal. She's concerned about keeping me at the birth center in case I need treatment after birth. She tells me we need to call my doctor and head back to Shreveport. I am too exhausted to care.

We call Willis Knighton and find out my doctor is not on call. Again, I'm too tired to care. I just want it to be over. Charlotte encourages me to eat something on the way since I won't be able to eat when I get to the hospital. We drive through McDonalds and I order a smoothie and some oatmeal but only get the smoothie down. I'm having really intense contractions on the drive to Shreveport. Miserable. Tired. We finally get to the hospital and walk into labor and delivery. I'm trying to explain to them that we're transporting from a birth center and that my midwife is on the way but that I'm one of Dr. Bellmann's patients. I have no desire to talk to anyone and have a hard time getting out sentences. They finally realize and start barraging Craig with questions. I tell them I'm dilated to a 5 and they have me put on a gown so they can check me. The nurses decide I'm only a 3. Great. I've regressed. Awesome. However, they check my chart and luckily Dr. Bellman had put in a note for them to call her directly if I came in. I'm thankful. It sounds like I don't have to have a stranger deliver the baby.

The nurses come back after they talk to the Dr. They tell me I have 3 options. I'm in no mood for 3 options. The only option I care about is getting the baby out. They explain to me that I'm not "technically" in labor and that if I had come in off the street they wouldn't admit me. Excuse me?! Not in labor?! Look you can call if what you want, but I've been having contractions for 30 or 31 hours now. I'm in terrible pain. Don't tell me I'm not in labor. Luckily Charlotte comes in. I'm looking to her for clarification. I don't understand what the crazy people are saying. Charlotte had told me there were pain medicines they could give me by IV. That sounded fabulous! Sign me up! They decide to start me on an IV of Demerol and phenegren. Then depending on how I progressed, they would start Pitocin. The Demerol knocks me out. However, it has NO effect on the contractions. Now I can barely focus on anything between contractions. I live in this painful world where all that exists are contractions. I have an IV in one hand, a blood pressure cuff on my other arm and a pulse oximeter on my finger. I literally just keep thinking, this is never going to end. This is my world for the next 6 hours or so.

Charlotte and her assistant Miranda try to coach me through the contractions. I just want to cry. Nothing makes them better. And they start making me be in different positions. They all hurt. No relief. I'm vaguely aware of Kyle, Bre, and Laci. I reach out for Craig's hand, or anyone else, when I have contractions to feel a connection to something besides pain. I keep thinking about the book I read to prepare me for labor. There's a chapter called "The Compassionate Use of Drugs and Epidurals". Two hours in a row they have checked me and I've dilated 1 cm during each of those hours. I feel like it's still going to take 3 or 4 hours to get to 10. I can't do this anymore. I tell Charlotte I can't do it. She tells me she thinks I can. Everyone around me is being so good and so encouraging. They tell me I'm doing a great job. I just want to cry. I just cannot handle anymore. I decide I want an epidural. I need something to relieve the pain. They tell me it could be 30 minutes before the anesthesiologist gets there. It seems like an eternity. They tell me I have to be absolutely still during the epidural. They have me practice while we wait. I have to internalize the pain to keep from flailing. I'm not sure I can do it.

I'm still not sure, and don't want to know, how they administer an epidural, but it sounded like gravel being ground between the discs in my back. I just kept telling myself, relief is coming! After each contraction, they told me, this could be the last one you feel. I clung to that. I finally laid back down. But I kept feeling contractions! Only now, it was just on the right side of my pelvis. They think the medicine didn't make it's way over so they have me lay on my side. As soon as I roll over, my contraction quickly changes from just pain to having to push. I can't verbalize how I'm feeling. I think someone will notice the change in my breathing. No one seems to. I keep pushing when I feel the overwheling need to. I have to get off my side. I try to tell them. They tell me the doctor will come back and try to adjust my epidural. When he comes back, he asks where I'm feeling them. I want to show him but I'm laying on my side. I can't think of the words to tell him. He asks if it's in my pelvis and I say yes. He tells me the epidural won't help with that, it can only help with pain in my abdomen. No relief. He asks a nurse to check my dilation. 9 1/2. They decided that while I was receiving the epidural, I transitioned. I finally tell them I want to push. They call the doctor.

I have NO interest in waiting for the doctor. I want the baby out and I want her out now. I don't understand why everyone is standing around. I don't want to wait. I want someone to come stand at the end of the bed because I'm getting this baby out. I ask "where is she?!" because she's taking too long. Charlotte tells me to do what my body feels like it needs to do. I push. The doctor finally shows up and they prep me. They tell me that they want me to push for 10 seconds, 3 times, during my next contraction. I remember reading not to do that and think "I'll do what I want" in my head. The contraction comes and I push. They tell me to take a deep breath and keep going. I don't want to. But I do and I feel like the baby is here or pretty close. One or two more pushes and finally, the baby is out. It's over. Thank God it's over. They lay her on my chest. I just so relieved it's over. I look at Craig and he's tearing up. Only then to stop to think about what just happened. We have a baby girl. I focus on Craig. His reaction was the best part to me. I try to take everything else in. I just keep thinking how glad I am that it's over.

So at 3:47 PM on November 9, our baby girl made her entrance. 38 hours after I first started timing contractions. 6 lbs, 5 oz, 19 inches long. Healthy as can be. She's so soft and snuggly. I love that. And I love how Craig is already wrapped around her finger.

I am still physically exhausted from the long labor. My arms and shoulders ache from bracing through contractions. My chest is sore from trying to breathe through them. I know it will take a while to recover from that. And as soon as she was born, my blood pressure dropped down lower than it normally is, so we ended up having nothing to worry about. Since I was healthy and she was healthy, they let us go home yesterday. It felt so good to sleep in my own bed!

So now we're working on getting into our new routine. Nursing has been really challenging, to put it nicely, so we have a Lactation Consultant coming by tomorrow. Then, hopefully, the really hard stuff will be behind us and I can really enjoy her. I'll be glad when the hardest problem I have is only sleeping 3 hours at a time. I have to say, I'm really looking forward to that.

Thank you so much for everyone who has sent us a sweet message or called or texted. We appreciate everyone so much. Thank you for your patience while we focus on us for a little bit. We'll be back in touch with everyone soon :)

Gummy Bear: 39 Weeks

Gummy Bear: 39 Weeks!

Baby is: 6-7 lbs or so. Not much wiggle room. Head down and facing my spine. Dropped a few weeks ago. Taking her sweet time coming to meet us though ;)

Cravings: Sweets! I want cookies or something for dessert like every night. I'm fine during the day but I always want to end the day with a sweet. And milk. Been drinking a lot of milk!

Aversions: Nothing really. Nothing really sounds good, but nothing really grosses me out to think about

Drinking: Water, Milk, V8 V Fusion

Clothes: Comfy! Mostly pants and t shirts.

Gender: It's a girl! Full steam ahead on the hairbows, headbands and ruffly bloomers!

What I miss: My hips/pelvis not hurting.

What I’m looking forward to: My last day of work before maternity leave! 5 more days!

I didn't realize it had been 6 weeks since my last update, but I hadn't updated because everything seemed so monotonous. However, I've learned I should really be thankful for the monotony. It means nothing "bad" has happened.

I made a brief post about my two birth buddies yesterday on Facebook. When we started sharing news that we were expecting, I found out 2 other people were not only expecting, but due the same week I was! All with our first. It's been so nice having two people so close to me, going through the same things at the same time. Two people to compare and contrast with. Two people seeing difference health care providers that we could all compare notes with. Two people who's stories and backgrounds were much different than mine. I never felt alone. I didn't realize until yesterday how comforting that was.

Two and a half weeks ago, my first birth buddy, my sister in law, went in for her routine weekly appointment. She had not been feeling well and was in a lot of (what seemed to me) unrelated to pregnancy pain. Neither of us knew why her arm or her jaw would be hurting. She seemed miserable though. At her appointment, they found out her blood pressure was high and sent her for some tests to see if she had developed preeclampsia. It's pregnancy related high blood pressure. The only "treatment" really is to get the baby out. There's some things you can do to mitigate the problem, but the only solution is to give birth. So they decided to induce her. Her blood pressure was so high that they had to put her on medicine and monitor her a while before they could try to induce. For me to be on the other side of the country, it was very stressful. We had grown pretty close throughout pregnancy, emailing almost daily. Now I felt so cut off. And scared! We were in this together! We were going to have our babies together! And if she's being induced that means her baby will be here any time. That means my baby could be here anytime! I'm not ready for that! So I teetered between wanting to know what was going on every minute and trying to give everyone up there some space and not bug them. My Mother in Law did a good job of giving me updates though. My SIL ended up having something much more serious than preeclampsia. They diagnosed with with a life threatening variant called HELLP Syndrome. I read up on it here. How scary! It was time to get the baby out as quiclky and safely as possible. They did try inducing her but she didn't progress fast enough, so my adorable niece was born by c-section while I was sound asleep in the middle of the night. I was thankful mommy and baby were both safe and healthy. It was stressful for me to be so far away though.

So my first birth buddy had a c-section. The one thing I am most terrified of. People say I'm brave for wanting to do things naturally. It doesn't feel brave to me. It feels normal. People having c-sections seem brave to me. That's terrifying. But I realized one thing when I found out my SIL was having problems- I'm more ok with it than I thought. I just kept waiting for them to do it so the baby was here. I thought that even if I was in a similar situation that I would be heartbroken and distraught about needing a c-section. But I had a peace about knowing that was the best thing for her. I know that sounds silly, to have a peace about someone else's birth, but it helped me realize that if I was in that situation, it wouldn't be as distraught or heartbroken as I thought. THAT is what doctors are for. Emergencies. That's what they do best. She was in the best possible place she could be. And while I still don't want to be forced into one unnecessarily, I know that if one becomes medically necessary, I will cope with that better than I thought.

Two weeks passed from my SIL's routine appointment that turned into a birth. My other birth buddy is an old friend who now works with me. My appointments are on Tuesdays, hers on Wednesdays. After my run of the mill appointments Tuesday, we joked about hers. How you're only there for a few minutes. How no one was going with her because she would just be in and out and there was nothing for anyone to be there for. Boring. Routine. So she goes in for her boring, routine, should be in and out appointment. The doctor's office was running behind so she texted that she wouldn't be back to work that afternoon. Not too long after that though, we found out her blood pressure was up and they were keeping her for observation. Still not that uncommon. They ended up telling her to be on bedrest for 24 hours and I believe had her doing a urine collection. Thursday was pouring down rain. I texted her to tell her she "picked" the perfect day to be on bedrest! I was jealous, haha. She had her appointment on Friday morning at 9. On Friday I texted her that I was anxiously awaiting an update. Not too long after, I received a text that the baby was born by emergency c-section at 8:30 that morning! What?! Panic set in again. Her baby's here. I'm the last one now. OMG. I'm not ready for this! And what happened last night?! I waited until I got home last night to check in. She said she went in around midnight because her blood pressure went up. They induced her but his heart rate dropped so they ended up doing a c-section. So crazy! Her blood pressure has been better than mine this whole time! Then all the sudden, bam! Baby! It still boggles my mind how fast you can go from normal and routine to an emergency situation.

So for me, I'm just trying to remain calm. On Wednesday, my feet decided they were done being normal. I now have seemingly permanent sausage feet. Trying to be thankful they waited this long. I have literally everything prepped that I can possibly think of, and then some! In the past few weeks I have:

• washed all the baby clothes, towels, sheets and blankets
• arranged and put away all the clothes
• cleaned, hung and put away everything in the nursery
• installed the car seat in my car
• installed a car seat base in Craig's truck
• put a waterproof cover on my mattress
• sent all the thank you cards for gifts we received
• put together the swing
• installed a walk through baby gate
• ensured she has warm clothes for our trip to Vermont in December
• put together her toy box
• had my car detailed
• made "padsicles"
• purchased extra pajamas to wear around the house while I recover
• had our house deep cleaned
• packed a bag complete with clothes, snacks and games for me
• packed a bag with clothes and diapers for Lorelai
• ordered and received my birth kit (stuff the midwife and I need for birth and delivery)
• packed the bags and birth kit into my car

And I even have a pedicure scheduled for this afternoon. 

I think I've officially run out of prepping things to do. 

And because I am SO prepped, she will not make an appearance for another 3 weeks, haha. 

Seriously though, I've made no progress on the labor front. I'm skipping next week with the OB and only going to see my midwife. Seeing both of them every week is cumbersome. And redundant. It was crazy to get an appointment card that's after my due date though (for my next OB appointment). 

So a common question I get now is "how long?" My answer is until it's no longer safe for her to be in there, or of course until she's ready. Whichever comes first. I won't make the call and neither will my OB. I'm leaving that in my midwife's hands. I sought out a midwife because I don't trust the medical profression to make an unbiased decision about my well being. I trust them 100% in an emergency situation. But doctors don't know what to do with healthy people. And while my OB has been very kind and understanding and lately even supportive, I still can't remove that seed of doubt that she would make a call that is convenient for her or easier or something she'd rather do, rather than what is medically necessary. I know, without a doubt, that if my midwife says it's time to go to the hospital, it's time to go to the hospital. I trust her to look out for me and the baby and if what's best is being induced at the hospital, than that's what we're going to do. Otherwise, I'm riding it out.

The longest my midwife ever had someone go is about 42 1/2 weeks, and she's made it clear that it makes her uncomfortable. BUT, if the baby is healthy, there's no reason to rush things. My OB has already started saying I need to think about "when" we make the call. I told my birth buddies that I don't like feeling like I'm already being pressured into making a decision about being induced when I'm not even full term yet. I told my OB and midwife that to me, the only way it ends if I'm induced is by c-section, especially if I haven't progressed any on my own. My midwife explained that there are some more gentle ways to induce than going straight to pitocin and should we end up having to go that route, my midwife would be there at the hospital acting as my doula and being sure that I'm treated and kindly and naturally as possible. If I get to 41 weeks, she wants a biophysical profile done to make sure the baby is ok. She said she's only ever had one person score kind of borderline on that test, but she still has to make sure baby's ok so we know if it's safe to continue the pregnancy. The OB has said there is medically no reason to let me go past 42 week. The baby has no more developing to do and will only gain weight which will make her bigger and harder to deliver (which I reminded her that the baby has been measuring small and I didn't see size as being an issue. hello, have you seen my hips! haha). BUT, she assured me that if the baby is ok, it's not necessarily a hard stop for her. I told her I thought doctors weren't allowed to let women go past 42 weeks or it was considered malpractice. She said it was more an issue of informed consent but if the baby's healthy, it's not a wall we can't cross. The bottom line is neither my OB or midwife are crazy about me going past 42 weeks, and it would likely be a very tense and highly monitored situation from both sides if we get there. 

So why do I think we may have to worry about it? Well, I have had a healthy pregnancy (so far). The baby seems just fine where she's at. Overweight women just typically take longer to go into labor because their fat cells store estrogen and more estrogen just means it takes your body longer. So since I'm healthy and we're letting things progress naturally, it means I'm probably not going to be in the 5% of women who have their baby on their due date. I've known that from the beginning and am totally ok with that. I just want her here safely with as little medical intervention as possible. I feel like things will go a lot more smoothly if I go into labor on my own. So as you think of me over the next few days (weeks, haha), just pray that my body will do what it's designed to do and that she will come on her own. 

One way or another, gummy bear will be a baby bear very soon. 

Gummy Bear: 33 Weeks

Gummy Bear: 33 Weeks!

Baby is: running out of wiggle room. Should be in the 4lb range, but it's been a while since I've had an ultrasound.

Cravings: Nothing

Aversions: Nothing really here either. I still don't prefer to eat meat by itself, but I'm doing better with it.

Drinking: Water, Milk, V8 V Fusion & Pumpkin Spice Lattes

Clothes: Comfy! Mostly pants and t shirts.

Gender: It's a girl! Full steam ahead on the hairbows, headbands and ruffly bloomers!

What I miss: Not having to wake up so many times to pee. Being able to take NyQuil!

What I’m looking forward to: My shower tomorrow!

I'm on day 7 of a cold. Really ready for it to pass. The most miserable parts are behind me, but I still have the lingering stuffy nose and coughing. And tiredness. But that's probably more than just the cold. Looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow, for sure!

In other news, I've spent a good deal of time the past few weeks trying to find/arrange for a birth class. At my last midwife appt (about 4 weeks ago), I asked her about classes. According to all the apps, it was time for us to look into taking one. She gave me the name of the person who usually does their birth classes. I waited a week or two but finally called her to see what she had available (pet peeve: people without online calendars). She asked when my due date was, said she didn't have anything planned right now and planned to be out of town a lot in October. She would check her schedule and let me know what/if she was able to work anything out. She said she didn't even have anyone to recommend me to because no one else she knew was offering classes right now. Well good. I was hopeful that we'd be able to work something out, but then I never got a call or email from her. I called her on Wednesday and left her a message and still haven't heard back. It looks like that's a no-go.

I had a lead for another potential class, but the person was almost 2 hours from me. Not very practical for a two day class. I talked to the instructor though. She said if I could get some more interest, I could host the class. That doesn't really thrill me either. I could also do a private "condensed" class with her, for the same amount as a two day class, but with a private class fee added. More money, less class. *Sigh*

So I went back to my midwife and explained my dilemma. She said I wasn't the only one needing a class and that she would look at hosting one at the birth center. Awesome. My problems have been solved! But then she posted on Facebook that she was looking at hosting one between October 15 and Thanksgiving. Uh, my due date is November 8. I emailed her to remind her and encourage her to do it as close to October 15 as she could. She wrote back that she has several births scheduled at the beginning of October so she wouldn't be able to host it until the middle of the month at the earliest but that she was looking at October 26. Yikes. I'll be 38 weeks then. Like, she'll be on call for my birth then. She said she was still trying to look for some options for me though. Then she emailed me about someone hosting a class tomorrow, which I can't go to because of my shower. The only Saturday between now and my birth that I can't make it. I wrote her back to tell her this Saturday is a no-go and so is Sunday October 6 because of my shower that day. I asked if she had any recommendations on books or DVDs or something. I, at this point, don't think a birth class is in the cards for me. I mean, I could see what some of the local hospitals have available, but even the doctors in the hospitals tell their patients the classes aren't worth taking. Plus, I'm not sure they would really help me have a natural child birth. I guess it would be better than absolutely nothing though. I don't know.

But this has really made me think- what do I need out of a birth class? You know what I've realized over the past few weeks?

I am not afraid of labor.

I'm not. I'm not afraid of the pain. I'm not afraid of the delivery. I have a peace about it. I just know, it's going to be ok. I'm going to be ok. Lorelai is going to be ok. I don't have any anxiety about it. It is what it is. It's going to hurt. It's going to be hard. I'm not going to want people asking me a ton of questions. But I'm not afraid.

But, that IS what worries me. Like there has to be something I'm missing. Something I'm not understanding about the labor and delivery process. I want to be able to talk it through somebody. I want to know how to cope with the pain. I want Craig to feel confident to help me through the tough times instead of asking "what do you need?". I want to know what I could be doing now to help prepare my body for labor. I want to feel prepared because I know what's going to/could happen, not just because I feel at peace with the process.

It seems careless to just assume "it's going to be fine, women have been doing this for thousands of years". They have. And a lot of women have died during childbirth. And the culture was SO much different than it used to be. People don't talk about birth anymore. Americans are scared of childbirth. We don't have the support of a house full of women who have all had children to help us through. The general public doesn't know how to get through a natural childbirth. I was born via c-section. My mom couldn't have helped me. My grandmothers have been gone for a long time. Most all my friends have had epidurals, if not c-sections. There are times when I definitely feel alone in this. And I know I have my friends for love and support, but not necessarily advice. I don't like feeling like I just have to figure out out. There has to be an easier way. I know I like to do things my own way, but I don't want to do it at the expense of making labor any harder than it's going to be. And I can read all the books and websites and watch all the DVDs, but there's nothing like sitting down and talking to someone who has been there.

Gummy Bear 30 1/2 Weeks

Gummy Bear: 30 1/2 weeks

Baby is: measuring 1 lb, 14 oz, putting her in the 36th percentile, as of 27 weeks. She should be closer to the 2-3 pound range according to all the apps now.

Cravings: Nothing pregnancy related. I would prefer to have a (decaf) Pumpkin Spice Latte within arms reach at all times though. God bless Starbucks, haha

Aversions: There are still things that don't sound good, but for the most part I'm ok. I ate brisket and deviled eggs yesterday and both tasted good.

Drinking: Water, Milk & Pumpkin Spice Lattes

Clothes: Comfy! Mostly pants and t shirts. I like wearing dresses, but they don't provide much belly support.

Gender: It's a girl! Full steam ahead on the hairbows, headbands and ruffly bloomers!

What I miss: Being able to move more easily

What I’m looking forward to: Wrapping up the last trimester! And my showers!

Went to see the doctor & midwife last week. Baby's heartbeat sounds good. I asked them both if some babies just aren't as active as others because I don't feel her move a whole lot. And when I do, it's just for a second. The doctor said she does have a slower heartbeat, so she probably is just chilling in there. I also have my fat layer and the anterior placenta cushioning her. Plus she's on the smaller side. All that combined means I just don't feel her like most people can feel theirs. However, she knew I was talking about her and has been a lot more active since then. Then Friday I inadvertently ordered regular, not decaf, at Starbucks. She was wiggling up a storm Friday! I even felt her kick and could distinguish that it was her foot. It was creepy! I know it's supposed to be beautiful and all, but I think it's weird that there's a living human inside my stomach. I have trouble wrapping my head around that. It's fascinating. But super weird. Now that she's getting bigger and I can feel her move more it really weirds me out.

The first time they took my blood pressure at the doctors office it was elevated so they had me lay down then they retook it and it was fine. There was no protein in my urine so they weren't worried about it. She said I should be thinking about taking it easy at work though. She has NO idea. It really doesn't get easier than I have it. For a long time my job was super high stress. Like not healthy at all stressful. But since the buy out, things have settled down and there's still plenty of work to do, but the atmosphere is so much different. I'm definitely not feeling stress from work. She mentioned that in Europe most women take off work for the month before they have the baby. Umm... no thanks. I'm pretty sure women is Europe are also paid to do that. I would not be. As much as I like the idea of sleeping in and not having to get dressed to come to work, that's not very practical. Short of her putting me on bedrest, I'll probably be sitting at my desk when I go into labor, haha.

And I hadn't really had any other stress. We hosted a baby shower the night before for a couple in my Sunday School group who is adopting a little boy. But that was fun, not stressful. The more I thought about it, I may not have been feeling stressed, but I had probably stressed my body. I hadn't had much sleep the past several days. Lots of late nights cleaning the house or hanging out with friends. Was definitely not getting enough sleep. I think that probably contributed to it.

So I told her I'd start trying to take weekends off. I'm sure she thought I meant work, but I meant from all my stuff. I cannot sit still. I always want to be going and doing. Errands to run, people to see, projects to work on. Go, go, go. All the time. So I've been trying to take it easy at home. Not making us run a million errands. Not trying to clean everything myself. Not finding things to do. I knew I needed something to keep me sedentary and I don't have the attention span to read right now, so I picked up some yarn for a baby blanket. I've never made anything that big, but I figured, how hard can it be? Luckily the yarn I picked up has fluffy pieces on it, so it hides mistakes. You also can't see the stitching so I'm just using a regular garter stitch so it comes together quickly and I don't have to think too much about what I'm doing (am I on knit or pearl?). I picked up a few stitches it looks like, but hey, it'll be soft and warm and I don't think it will matter to Lorelai. I did have to pick up some circular needles though. I'd never used them before. They're still a little awkward to hold sometimes, but it's cool to see the big piece of knitting all stretched out on them. And hey, it keeps me sitting down.

I told the midwife about my doctor's visit and when she took my blood pressure, the top number was higher than when I was at the doctor, but my bottom number was lower. Apparently, the bottom one is more important to her, so she was happy, but echoed the need to prevent it from becoming a problem. She had a few herbs and supplements she wanted me to start taking as well as a list of ways to combat high blood pressure in the third trimester. The first thing she gave me is this herbal spray called Mama Calm. It has Motherwort, Lemon Balm, Lavender, Chamomile and Skullcap in it and it tastes horrible. Then she has me taking Cal-Mag with Citrate, Hops, and Choline. That's fine. Grabbed all of that and have been taking it since the appt.

However, the list of suggestions to "combat high blood pressure" was a little much. It seems to be from the same people who publish the Brewer diet, which is number one on the list. It's basically the pregnancy version of a high protein, low carb diet. However, the daily recommendations of things you should be eating is extensive. I decided early on that it would not be practical for me to try to follow it. The next suggestion was to eat a protein snack EVERY HOUR I'M AWAKE and to set a timer to remind myself. Excuse me? I would literally never eat anything but protein because I would never be hungry enough for a meal, knowing I'd just have to eat again in 30 minutes. No fruits and veggies. That's not healthy. Plus, if I'm supposed to be taking it easy, wouldn't it be stressful to have to stop what you're doing every hour because a timer went off and you had to eat? I would be so irritated. Then the final suggestion that gave me a good laugh was to keep protein by the bed and eat EVERY TIME I WAKE UP. So now, not only do I have to pee 3-4 times a night, but I have to stay up to eat something too? I don't think so. She scratched off a few recommendations she didn't want me to follow. One of them was to increase your calorie intake to 3000-4000 calories per day. What exactly will eating around the clock do? How am I supposed to eat all the time and not increase my calorie intake? So I decided to keep my diet in tact. It's working for me. I'm healthy. I'm not gaining a ton of weight. In fact, I lost a pound at my last doctor visit so I've only gained 4 total pounds. So unless my blood pressure becomes more of an issue, I'm going to keep on keeping on and see how all these supplements help. I definitely don't want to add stress because I'm worried about eating all the time. I worry about that enough without having to make sure I'm checking off a list of things I'm supposed to be eating every day. I go see the doctor again next week and we can take it from there!

Gummy Bear: Week 28

Gummy Bear: 28 weeks

Baby is: measuring 1 lb, 14 oz, putting her in the 36th percentile, as of last Tuesday. My pregnancy app says she's the size of iceberg lettuce and approximately 14.8 inches long

Cravings: Nothing really. Still prefer soft foods to anything that requires a lot of chewing though

Aversions: Meat by itself. Eggs.

Drinking: Water and Decaf Frappuccinos

Clothes: Comfy!

Gender: It's a girl! Full steam ahead on the hairbows, headbands and ruffly bloomers!

What I miss: My brain. My energy!

What I’m looking forward to: Wrapping up the last trimester!

Went to the doctor last week. They took a few pictures and said she is head down. Everything is on track. I'm healthy, baby's healthy. Blood pressure is good. AND, I passed my glucose test. This felt like such a huge accomplishment. I've been trying to be careful about what I eat. Making sure to get in some fruits and veggies. Staying away from sweets. Not 100% of the time, but mostly. I feel like pretty much everyone fails that first glucose test and has to take the 3 hour. I've been so carb conscious, even when that's all I wanted to eat. Plus my doctor...the fat people need c-sections doctor...I feel like she just wants something to be wrong. Like she's just waiting to say "I told you so". I may projecting, but that's how I feel. But after the ultrasound when we saw that the baby is smaller, she was like, I don't think you really have anything to worry about. You've been watching what you eat and the baby's size is good. I think you're fine. And then for the test results to come back and say everything is fine, on top of having a smaller baby...man that felt good. That felt like victory. And for the first time I think I started to unclench and think "I may just get my way". That test felt so huge to me. Like it was the last obstacle standing between me and having a natural birth at the birth center with the midwife. I know it's not. I still have to be good, drink my water, take my vitamins, all that jazz. And anything could happen at any time. But it feels like a big "I told you so" to everyone who didn't think I could do this because of my weight. Once again- fat does not mean unhealthy.

All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free

We held a memorial for mom this weekend. It's still really hard for me to believe she's just gone. I think it's harder for me to accept because she wasn't here and I didn't see or talk to her everyday. It's easier to imagine she's just over in Kilgore and I'll talk to her in a few days. It still just doesn't seem real.

I'm super thankful my for Big Sandy family. They took all of us in (even the dogs!), made sure everyone was fed, and took care of a lot of the preparations. I was thankful to not have to do a whole lot. What I did decide to do, was the memorial service. I decided I didn't want to deal with the hassel of finding someone to come out and having a stranger say something about a woman he didn't even know. The pastor who did dad's funeral was not only the hospice director, but one of dad's old customers. It meant a lot to have someone who knew him doing the service. It was more sincere. I felt like I just needed to do this.

The biggest problem, besides dealing with it emotionally? My (lack of) filter. I'm honest. I think you all know that. I'm not good at sugar coating things. I didn't want it to be disrespectful or inappropriate. But I did want it to be honest. Let me tell you- it's hard to find the right words to memorialize anyone I think. Have you ever thought about what you would say if you had to do someone else's eulogy? What about what your own would sound like? How do you eloquently sum up someone else's life? So I set off to accomplish the impossible.

Craig and my boss were the only two people to read it prior to Saturday. Craig thought it was sweet, but honest. My boss teared up a little. I was anxious to see what everyone else would think.

Saturday came. I was more anxious that I anticipated Saturday morning, but calmed down once things got busy. I was hoping I could fall back on my college speech skills and hopefully detach myself from it and make it through. When it was finally time, I could feel my voice shaking. I took a few deep breaths, but I made it through. Parts that I didn't expect to be hard were hard to read, and the part I thought would be hardest (the part I cried on when writing) wasn't at all. Afterwords, her husband came to give me a big hug and thank me. He thought it was perfect. He was crying. I was relieved. I didn't really care what her friends thought, but I hoped he thought it was ok. Then all night people told me how perfect it was. It felt good to know that I could honor my mom. I felt like I would have made her proud.

So here it is- the draft of my speech. (BTW- my step dad's name is also Craig)

First I’d like to thank you all for being here today to celebrate the life of the person I called Mom. I know she would have appreciated the special attention for each of you. The family and I appreciate your support.

My mother had an unmistakable presence. She had a way of making sure people knew she was there. She didn’t blend into a crowd. She was never one to do something quietly. You definitely knew when Lori was involved with something. She made sure she wasn’t overlooked.

For this reason, it’s ever more apparent that she’s not here anymore. By now, I should have had at least 4 of 5 calls from her. Some of you may be missing even more. Craig is probably so lost without her nagging when he gets home from work that he probably can’t fix dinner for himself without her telling him how she wants it done. I can tell you no Mother’s Day, no Thanksgiving, no Christmas, no Birthday will ever been the same for us. No benefit, no rally, no accident will be the same without my mom there to send food or make sure that people are being taken care of. She had so much concern for people around her that it was like she was experiencing exactly what they were going through. She felt deeply and loved fiercely. Her absence has been, and will be felt by each of us in this room.

She could be loud, she would talk your ear off, and had a special way of making a scene when things weren’t going her way. She loved music, particularly listening to husband Craig play. She loved to dance. She loved to have a good time. For many of you, this is the Lori you know and love. Cherish the good times you had with her.

Some of us, however, knew a different side to Lori. This side struggled my whole life with emotional battles that sometimes got the best of her. Sometimes the emotional battle manifested itself physically like when she had her last car accident. Battling physical and emotional wounds can be a heavy burden to carry. Those of us closest to her often had to stand by while she suffered- unable to offer assistance or relief. It was a heavy burden for us to carry also.

I’m here to tell you today, than for maybe the first time in my life, my mother is truly happy and pain free. She isn’t suffering. She is finally free of all the burdens she carried with her on this journey here on Earth. For that, I am thankful. Thankful that he knee doesn’t hurt, her ankle doesn’t hurt, her head doesn’t hurt. Thankful that she won’t call me late at night because she’s worked herself into a tizzy, dwelling on something until she’s blown it out of proportion. Thankful that all her wounds, both physically and emotionally are finally healed.

But I’m also sad. Sad that she’ll never get to reuse the dress from my wedding that she loved so much to attend my brother’s wedding. Sad that now Craig, who has built a life and home with Mom for the past 10 years, has to carry on by himself now. Sad that her brothers don’t have a big sister anymore. Sad that her dad has lost his only daughter. Sad that she won’t be there the next time I want to call her for one of her recipes. Sad that she won’t be here in November to meet her first grandchild.

For those of you who don’t know, Kyle and I lost our father to cancer almost 3 years ago, just 6 weeks from the time he was diagnosed. We can’t help but compare the two situations. As heartbreaking as it was to lose our father, we had time. We had time to tie up loose ends. We had time to make sure he knew how much we loved him. We had time to say goodbye.

There is no sense of closure for us right now. Craig feels the same way. It’s all very surreal to think that she’s really not here anymore. We didn’t get to make sure she knew how much we loved her. We didn’t get to hold her hand. We didn’t get to say goodbye.

The fact is, she’s gone too soon. She still had a lot of living she intended to do. We all still had a lot of plans that included her in some form or fashion. We never imagined we’d wake up that morning to find she had gone.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 says:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

July 20th was unfortunately my mother’s time to die. Today, for us, is a time to remember. It is a time to weep. Right now, is the time to mourn.

However, it’s important for all of us to know this is just a season. We are not meant to linger here. In a few moments we’ll lead anyone who wants to go to the cemetery to give us time to say goodbye. We’d like everyone to stick around though and have a bite to eat with us so we all have a chance to mourn together. A time to share stories. I know you all have a good story about my mom that I haven’t heard yet! Tonight, we remember.

But then, it’s time to heal. Time to laugh. Time to dance! Celebrate who my mom was. Each of you are here because she touched your life in some way. Focus on that. Focus on the light. Focus on the good. Carry on her legacy by making too much food at the holidays for your family. Help your brothers and sisters in need, even when you think you don’t have anything to give. Call family you haven’t talked to, even if you don’t get along. And then, when your good deeds are done, take a shot and shake your ass on the dance floor. That’s what Mom would do. That’s what Mom would want.

Thank you.

How am I doing?

That's the million dollar question right now. How are you doing? How is your brother? Do you need anything? If you're reading this, you probably know why. Saturday morning I planned to sleep in. Bruce had other ideas, as usual. So I got up to let him out and was too awake to go back to sleep. I laid in bed and played games on my phone. Then I remembered the consignment store in Bossier was having a dollar sale. I decided to head over there to pick up some cheap clothes for Lorelai. Put the dogs up, hopped in my car and decided to treat myself to Starbucks for breakfast. As I'm leaving Starbucks, my phone rings. It's my cousin. She had called me on Monday but I was in Miami and didn't answer so I assumed she was calling about whatever she called me about on Monday. I asked her what she was up to. She said she WAS getting ready to head to a baby shower. I asked her what was wrong. My mind starts racing. What could be wrong that my cousin would call me about? Then she says "Oh God Ali, you don't know. No ones called you." And she's crying. "I can't believe I have to be the one to tell you this. I can't believe no ones called you." Now, the last time I talked to our grandfather in Ohio, he sounded horrible. Very weak. Could barely talk. I just knew she was calling to tell me Grandpa died. "Your mom died last night." And all at once, the world stopped again. Except, this time I was driving. And it didn't stop. And I'm almost 6 months pregnant. And this was not the time or place for me to freak out. So I concentrate on breathing. In. Out. Think. Think. What do you do? You need to go home. No, you need to tell Kyle. You need Craig. You need to stop driving. You need to stay calm. You need to breathe. At this point I'm about halfway between my house and my brothers. I decide to go directly to his house. Meanwhile, I call Craig, who works on Saturdays, and tell him he needs to come home. So I get to Kyle's house. His roommate's wife is leaving. I ask where Kyle is and she says "asleep". I said, well, I'm going to wake him up. I knock on his door, I enter the room. I'm shaking. Breathe Ali. I tell him everything I know. Poor thing was still half asleep when I laid everything on him. And all at once, here we were again. Back at Kyle's house. In the same house my dad died in. Grieving. But this time it wasn't Dad. It was our mom. And I just kept thinking, I can't believe we're here again doing this. It didn't make any sense. I literally could not wrap my head around what was happening. But this time, I wasn't there. I didn't KNOW know. Was it real? Was someone mistaken? Maybe... I was supposed to go to Dallas the next day for work. I called my boss. "I don't know if I'm going to be able to go. I just don't know what's going on right now." Is this real? Is my mom, my only surviving parent, gone? So how am I doing? Well, honestly, there's still a pretty hefty dose of denial I'm working with. It feels so unfinished. With Dad, I had time. I knew it was coming. Every time I left, I said goodbye like it was the last time. I had time to accept what was happening before I had to deal with it. I got none of that with Mom. Saturday night I had a really hard time sleeping. I didn't fall asleep until 3 or 4. I was dreading the next day. Going to the funeral home. Seeing mom. That's when it became real for me with Dad. I needed to see him, in the coffin, not breathing, to know that he was not coming back & that was not him laying there anymore. I didn't know if I could handle that with Mom. It felt like too much to take in. I wasn't ready to face it. I wasn't emotionally able to handle it. I was scared that that would break me. And I just kept thinking- I'm 28 years old and I don't have parents anymore. My mom and dad are gone. Worst of all, I'm pregnant. And my kids will never know my parents. This, above all, is the hardest thing for me to deal with right now. They're not going to know where I came from. Really see them. But you know, that very thing is also somewhat of a blessing in disguise. I'm not going to pretend my mother and I had a good relationship. My mother was very, very troubled. She's been miserable my entire life. She's threatened to kill herself since I was very young. She took every pill she could get her hands on. She drank so much she started hiding it from me or waiting until her husband went to bed to go to the store. My mom had 3 DWIs in a 5-7 year period. 3. She could have killed not only herself, but someone else, with the way she behaved. She suffered from depression and God only knows what else. She had this incredible victim mentality where everything in the world was about her and everyone was out to get her. She was the type of person who would call and talk for 30 solid minutes about herself then say "well, I just wanted to see how you were doing" when she never asked me a single question about myself. My mother and I lived in two different worlds. It caused a lot of tension between us- mostly on my part because I was the only one lucid enough to remember everything. I kept her at a distance. I screened her calls. I didn't visit often. I couldn't deal with the crazy. I could not watch her self desctruct. That's not to say my mom doesn't have any redeeming qualities. They just became buried in a haze of drugs and alcohol to where that good person didn't make an appearance much anymore. I remember the person who visited my great grandmother in the funeral home and painted her toe nails and held her hand and watched TV with her, even when she didn't know who we were anymore. I remember the woman who baked countless dozens of cookies at Christmas time. I remember the person who drove to ETBU when I was in college because I was sick and I didn't want to go to the doctor by myself. But the more she drank, and took pills, and did drugs, the less I saw of that person. She had ups and downs and that's why I had to screen her calls- to see how sober she was. And that's what's so odd about this whole thing. She wasn't on a down cycle. Our last conversation was fairly pleasant. She hadn't been super depressed or crazy lately. I wasn't mad at her. And now she's gone. So I said all that to say, Lorelai doesn't have to know my mom like that anymore. She doesn't have to wonder why I don't want her spending the night with Grandma. She doesn't have to wonder why I won't take Grandma's calls or here me fighting with her. All Lorelai will know, when she's little, is that Grandma and Grandpa are two angels looking out for her from heaven. Sort of a blessing in disguise. As to what happened...we don't know 100%. They're assuming a heart attack. It sounds like whatever it was, her body just gave up. You can't live that hard for that long without consequences. My mom and dad both lived the way they wanted to and wouldn't let anyone else tell them differently. Unfortunately, it was at my, my brother, and our children's expense. They both died at the age of 56. So as for me...I'm ok. Still a little numb. Still in a little denial. Still a little shocked. Sad for what could have been.

24 Weeks! Not sure where the last 4 weeks went!

20 weeks! Halfway there

Gummy Bear: 24 weeks 

Baby is: Baby is the size of a grapefruit! Almost 12 inches long and from 1-2 lbs. I get to see her next week so I'll have some more accurate measurements

Symptoms: Sensitive gums still. Ever growing belly. And FINALLY some movement! It's the weirdest feeling, but it's comforting to know she's doing ok in there.

Cravings: Nothing really. Still prefer soft foods to anything that requires a lot of chewing though

Aversions: Meat by itself. Eggs. 

Drinking: Water and V8 V fusion (baby needs fruits and veggies!)

Clothes: Maternity pants and dresses. I'm all about comfort.

Gender: It's a girl! Full steam ahead on the hairbows, headbands and ruffly bloomers!

What I miss: My brain. My energy!

What I’m looking forward to: Seeing her on Tuesday

We got back from vacation this week. If you've never been of a cruise, I highly recommend it. I'm a planner. I need to have an idea of what we're doing and where we're going each day. I hate the "what are we doing today" moments. I like to research and read online reviews. For someone like me, the cruise was probably the only way I'd ever really relax on a vacation. I didn't have to think about anything. I didn't have to deal with traffic or rental cars or "what are we doing for dinner?". 

I don't necessarily recommend it for pregnant women. I was WORN OUT!. There's a lot of walking compared to my normal routine (hello desk job!). Not to mention swimming! But I took naps, I slept on the beach, I slept by the pool, I slept on the ferry, I slept on the plane. I rested. I didn't stress. I had nothing to worry about, no decisions or plans to make. It was amazing. Craig and I both agree...we're definitely going back!

On a side note, I'm also very glad we waited. We decided to buy a house instead of going on a honeymoon. Between then and now, we learned a lot about money and budgeting and we were able to pay cash for every single piece of our vacation, from passports to souvenirs. That felt like such an accomplishment, especially after paying off everything but our cars and house in May. We wanted to have a little more time to save before going on the cruise, but we found out I was pregnant about a week after we bought our passports and the cruise line won't let you turn 24 weeks pregnant at any time during the cruise so this was the absolute latest we could go. 

After a few big weeks, we're ready to slow things back down and watch the money build up. We put down new floors in most of the house, bought the crib, a dresser and a recliner for the nursery, and paid for vacation. It's been an expensive few weeks! Now it's time to save save save until Lorelai is here. 

20 weeks! Halfway there

Gummy Bear: 20 weeks 

Baby is: Baby is the size of a banana. 6 to 6.3 inches crown to rump. Baby weight approx 10 oz at our last ultrasound. 

Symptoms: Sensitive gums. They bleed every time I brush my teeth. I'm also easily fatigued. Other than that,   and the fact that my clothes don't fit right- I'd really never know. The ultrasound tech confirmed that I have an anterior placenta. Right now, the placenta is bigger than the baby. Until baby gets bigger, I won't be able to feel any movement. 

Cravings: Nothing really. Saturday I barely ate anything. Sunday however, I ate 3 whole grain blueberry eggos for breakfast, a chicken sandwich and hashbrowns from Waffle House for lunch and steak, beef rice, salad and asparagus for dinner. And I ate all of it. That's the first time I've cleaned my dinner plate in a long time. And I finished steak! Yay protein. 

Aversions: Food in general, haha. Eggs. Meat by itself. Pork, unless in bacon form, is totally out of the question. Chicken is a close second. I do better when meat is mixed into my food, or in ground form, like sausage or hamburgers. (Maybe this is finally passing though?!)

Drinking: Water and V8 V fusion (baby needs fruits and veggies), the occasional Sprite or ICEE

Clothes: Maternity pants and dresses. I'm all about comfort.

Gender: It's a girl! Are you surprised? I was! I knew she was wrong when she told me because it was a boy, but there I was, looking at the screen, and knowing there was no way I was looking at a boy. Now that I know it's a girl, it's full steam ahead on the nursery! 

What I miss: My brain. Sleeping any way I want to. Not having to be so careful about everything I eat.

What I’m looking forward to: Finishing the nursery! We ripped up the carpet last night so I'm already looking forward to having flooring again. 

New Beginnings

I thought it might be good for me to pick this back up. It's obviously been a few years, but if you're reading this you already know things have changed a lot since my last post anyway. I'll just pick up with the present :) Baby Gummy Bear I'm currently 19 weeks, 3 days pregnant. Yes we were trying. No, we really didn't tell anyone. No it didn't take long. Yes I want to have the baby naturally. I'm seeing a midwife and an OBGYN. Plan A is to have the baby in Texas at a birth center with the midwife. If things don't work out that way, I have a backup here in Sheveport with the OBGYN. Yes I want to know what the sex is. Yes I'm going back to work. Now that we have all the nosy questions out of the way... April I hope you don't mind me stealing your format, but I think it's a great way to update everyone on what's going on. I love reading yours! Gummy Bear: 19 weeks Baby is: Baby is the size of a mango. 5.5-6 inches, crown to rump, or about 10 inches if you count legs. Should weigh around 7 ounces. Will find out tomorrow how close to that baby looks. Last time they said I was measuring 6 days behind. I don't put a lot of weight into it though. Symptoms: Sensitive gums. They bleed every time I brush my teeth. My stomache is sticking out more- but I don't exactly look pregnant. But it makes it uncomfortable to bend over and sleep none the less. Cravings: Bland carbs. It's been that way for most of the pregnancy. All that really sounds good are potatoes or rice. Mexican food always sounds good, but I don't crave it. Sushi occasionally sounds good. As does anything else I'm not supposed to have (lunch meat, hot dogs, soda, and anything with alcohol in it). No real "I have to have this" cravings though. Aversions: Food in general, haha. Eggs. Meat by itself. Pork, unless in bacon form, is totally out of the question. Chicken is a close second. Even last night I couldn't finish my steak. I do better when meat is mixed into my food, or in ground form, like sausage or hamburgers. Drinking: Water and V8 V fusion (baby needs fruits and veggies) Clothes: I've switched to mostly maternity pants because they're so comfortable! Seriously wish I knew that a long time ago. I can still wear a lot of my regular tops, but I pull at them more. Gender: Unknown- but at this time, boy is looking like the clear winner in the wives tales competition I've been doing. What I miss: Bending over. Sleeping any way I want to. Being able to walk and breathe easier than I can now. Having energy. My brain. Seriously slow on the reaction times now. What I’m looking forward to: Finding out the gender! Finishing the nursery! Picking out a name! Feeling the baby move! So much to look forward too! I feel like this is just getting really exciting! I'll try to keep this up and keep everyone informed. Craig and I are both looking forward to this adventure!