How am I doing?

That's the million dollar question right now. How are you doing? How is your brother? Do you need anything? If you're reading this, you probably know why. Saturday morning I planned to sleep in. Bruce had other ideas, as usual. So I got up to let him out and was too awake to go back to sleep. I laid in bed and played games on my phone. Then I remembered the consignment store in Bossier was having a dollar sale. I decided to head over there to pick up some cheap clothes for Lorelai. Put the dogs up, hopped in my car and decided to treat myself to Starbucks for breakfast. As I'm leaving Starbucks, my phone rings. It's my cousin. She had called me on Monday but I was in Miami and didn't answer so I assumed she was calling about whatever she called me about on Monday. I asked her what she was up to. She said she WAS getting ready to head to a baby shower. I asked her what was wrong. My mind starts racing. What could be wrong that my cousin would call me about? Then she says "Oh God Ali, you don't know. No ones called you." And she's crying. "I can't believe I have to be the one to tell you this. I can't believe no ones called you." Now, the last time I talked to our grandfather in Ohio, he sounded horrible. Very weak. Could barely talk. I just knew she was calling to tell me Grandpa died. "Your mom died last night." And all at once, the world stopped again. Except, this time I was driving. And it didn't stop. And I'm almost 6 months pregnant. And this was not the time or place for me to freak out. So I concentrate on breathing. In. Out. Think. Think. What do you do? You need to go home. No, you need to tell Kyle. You need Craig. You need to stop driving. You need to stay calm. You need to breathe. At this point I'm about halfway between my house and my brothers. I decide to go directly to his house. Meanwhile, I call Craig, who works on Saturdays, and tell him he needs to come home. So I get to Kyle's house. His roommate's wife is leaving. I ask where Kyle is and she says "asleep". I said, well, I'm going to wake him up. I knock on his door, I enter the room. I'm shaking. Breathe Ali. I tell him everything I know. Poor thing was still half asleep when I laid everything on him. And all at once, here we were again. Back at Kyle's house. In the same house my dad died in. Grieving. But this time it wasn't Dad. It was our mom. And I just kept thinking, I can't believe we're here again doing this. It didn't make any sense. I literally could not wrap my head around what was happening. But this time, I wasn't there. I didn't KNOW know. Was it real? Was someone mistaken? Maybe... I was supposed to go to Dallas the next day for work. I called my boss. "I don't know if I'm going to be able to go. I just don't know what's going on right now." Is this real? Is my mom, my only surviving parent, gone? So how am I doing? Well, honestly, there's still a pretty hefty dose of denial I'm working with. It feels so unfinished. With Dad, I had time. I knew it was coming. Every time I left, I said goodbye like it was the last time. I had time to accept what was happening before I had to deal with it. I got none of that with Mom. Saturday night I had a really hard time sleeping. I didn't fall asleep until 3 or 4. I was dreading the next day. Going to the funeral home. Seeing mom. That's when it became real for me with Dad. I needed to see him, in the coffin, not breathing, to know that he was not coming back & that was not him laying there anymore. I didn't know if I could handle that with Mom. It felt like too much to take in. I wasn't ready to face it. I wasn't emotionally able to handle it. I was scared that that would break me. And I just kept thinking- I'm 28 years old and I don't have parents anymore. My mom and dad are gone. Worst of all, I'm pregnant. And my kids will never know my parents. This, above all, is the hardest thing for me to deal with right now. They're not going to know where I came from. Really see them. But you know, that very thing is also somewhat of a blessing in disguise. I'm not going to pretend my mother and I had a good relationship. My mother was very, very troubled. She's been miserable my entire life. She's threatened to kill herself since I was very young. She took every pill she could get her hands on. She drank so much she started hiding it from me or waiting until her husband went to bed to go to the store. My mom had 3 DWIs in a 5-7 year period. 3. She could have killed not only herself, but someone else, with the way she behaved. She suffered from depression and God only knows what else. She had this incredible victim mentality where everything in the world was about her and everyone was out to get her. She was the type of person who would call and talk for 30 solid minutes about herself then say "well, I just wanted to see how you were doing" when she never asked me a single question about myself. My mother and I lived in two different worlds. It caused a lot of tension between us- mostly on my part because I was the only one lucid enough to remember everything. I kept her at a distance. I screened her calls. I didn't visit often. I couldn't deal with the crazy. I could not watch her self desctruct. That's not to say my mom doesn't have any redeeming qualities. They just became buried in a haze of drugs and alcohol to where that good person didn't make an appearance much anymore. I remember the person who visited my great grandmother in the funeral home and painted her toe nails and held her hand and watched TV with her, even when she didn't know who we were anymore. I remember the woman who baked countless dozens of cookies at Christmas time. I remember the person who drove to ETBU when I was in college because I was sick and I didn't want to go to the doctor by myself. But the more she drank, and took pills, and did drugs, the less I saw of that person. She had ups and downs and that's why I had to screen her calls- to see how sober she was. And that's what's so odd about this whole thing. She wasn't on a down cycle. Our last conversation was fairly pleasant. She hadn't been super depressed or crazy lately. I wasn't mad at her. And now she's gone. So I said all that to say, Lorelai doesn't have to know my mom like that anymore. She doesn't have to wonder why I don't want her spending the night with Grandma. She doesn't have to wonder why I won't take Grandma's calls or here me fighting with her. All Lorelai will know, when she's little, is that Grandma and Grandpa are two angels looking out for her from heaven. Sort of a blessing in disguise. As to what happened...we don't know 100%. They're assuming a heart attack. It sounds like whatever it was, her body just gave up. You can't live that hard for that long without consequences. My mom and dad both lived the way they wanted to and wouldn't let anyone else tell them differently. Unfortunately, it was at my, my brother, and our children's expense. They both died at the age of 56. So as for me...I'm ok. Still a little numb. Still in a little denial. Still a little shocked. Sad for what could have been.

24 Weeks! Not sure where the last 4 weeks went!

20 weeks! Halfway there

Gummy Bear: 24 weeks 

Baby is: Baby is the size of a grapefruit! Almost 12 inches long and from 1-2 lbs. I get to see her next week so I'll have some more accurate measurements

Symptoms: Sensitive gums still. Ever growing belly. And FINALLY some movement! It's the weirdest feeling, but it's comforting to know she's doing ok in there.

Cravings: Nothing really. Still prefer soft foods to anything that requires a lot of chewing though

Aversions: Meat by itself. Eggs. 

Drinking: Water and V8 V fusion (baby needs fruits and veggies!)

Clothes: Maternity pants and dresses. I'm all about comfort.

Gender: It's a girl! Full steam ahead on the hairbows, headbands and ruffly bloomers!

What I miss: My brain. My energy!

What I’m looking forward to: Seeing her on Tuesday

We got back from vacation this week. If you've never been of a cruise, I highly recommend it. I'm a planner. I need to have an idea of what we're doing and where we're going each day. I hate the "what are we doing today" moments. I like to research and read online reviews. For someone like me, the cruise was probably the only way I'd ever really relax on a vacation. I didn't have to think about anything. I didn't have to deal with traffic or rental cars or "what are we doing for dinner?". 

I don't necessarily recommend it for pregnant women. I was WORN OUT!. There's a lot of walking compared to my normal routine (hello desk job!). Not to mention swimming! But I took naps, I slept on the beach, I slept by the pool, I slept on the ferry, I slept on the plane. I rested. I didn't stress. I had nothing to worry about, no decisions or plans to make. It was amazing. Craig and I both agree...we're definitely going back!

On a side note, I'm also very glad we waited. We decided to buy a house instead of going on a honeymoon. Between then and now, we learned a lot about money and budgeting and we were able to pay cash for every single piece of our vacation, from passports to souvenirs. That felt like such an accomplishment, especially after paying off everything but our cars and house in May. We wanted to have a little more time to save before going on the cruise, but we found out I was pregnant about a week after we bought our passports and the cruise line won't let you turn 24 weeks pregnant at any time during the cruise so this was the absolute latest we could go. 

After a few big weeks, we're ready to slow things back down and watch the money build up. We put down new floors in most of the house, bought the crib, a dresser and a recliner for the nursery, and paid for vacation. It's been an expensive few weeks! Now it's time to save save save until Lorelai is here.