Friday, July 26, 2013
How am I doing?
That's the million dollar question right now. How are you doing? How is your brother? Do you need anything?
If you're reading this, you probably know why.
Saturday morning I planned to sleep in. Bruce had other ideas, as usual. So I got up to let him out and was too awake to go back to sleep. I laid in bed and played games on my phone. Then I remembered the consignment store in Bossier was having a dollar sale. I decided to head over there to pick up some cheap clothes for Lorelai. Put the dogs up, hopped in my car and decided to treat myself to Starbucks for breakfast.
As I'm leaving Starbucks, my phone rings. It's my cousin. She had called me on Monday but I was in Miami and didn't answer so I assumed she was calling about whatever she called me about on Monday. I asked her what she was up to. She said she WAS getting ready to head to a baby shower. I asked her what was wrong. My mind starts racing. What could be wrong that my cousin would call me about? Then she says "Oh God Ali, you don't know. No ones called you." And she's crying. "I can't believe I have to be the one to tell you this. I can't believe no ones called you."
Now, the last time I talked to our grandfather in Ohio, he sounded horrible. Very weak. Could barely talk. I just knew she was calling to tell me Grandpa died.
"Your mom died last night."
And all at once, the world stopped again. Except, this time I was driving. And it didn't stop. And I'm almost 6 months pregnant. And this was not the time or place for me to freak out. So I concentrate on breathing. In. Out. Think. Think. What do you do? You need to go home. No, you need to tell Kyle. You need Craig. You need to stop driving. You need to stay calm. You need to breathe.
At this point I'm about halfway between my house and my brothers. I decide to go directly to his house. Meanwhile, I call Craig, who works on Saturdays, and tell him he needs to come home.
So I get to Kyle's house. His roommate's wife is leaving. I ask where Kyle is and she says "asleep". I said, well, I'm going to wake him up.
I knock on his door, I enter the room. I'm shaking. Breathe Ali. I tell him everything I know. Poor thing was still half asleep when I laid everything on him.
And all at once, here we were again. Back at Kyle's house. In the same house my dad died in. Grieving. But this time it wasn't Dad. It was our mom. And I just kept thinking, I can't believe we're here again doing this. It didn't make any sense. I literally could not wrap my head around what was happening. But this time, I wasn't there. I didn't KNOW know. Was it real? Was someone mistaken? Maybe...
I was supposed to go to Dallas the next day for work. I called my boss. "I don't know if I'm going to be able to go. I just don't know what's going on right now." Is this real? Is my mom, my only surviving parent, gone?
So how am I doing?
Well, honestly, there's still a pretty hefty dose of denial I'm working with. It feels so unfinished. With Dad, I had time. I knew it was coming. Every time I left, I said goodbye like it was the last time. I had time to accept what was happening before I had to deal with it. I got none of that with Mom.
Saturday night I had a really hard time sleeping. I didn't fall asleep until 3 or 4. I was dreading the next day. Going to the funeral home. Seeing mom. That's when it became real for me with Dad. I needed to see him, in the coffin, not breathing, to know that he was not coming back & that was not him laying there anymore. I didn't know if I could handle that with Mom. It felt like too much to take in. I wasn't ready to face it. I wasn't emotionally able to handle it. I was scared that that would break me.
And I just kept thinking- I'm 28 years old and I don't have parents anymore. My mom and dad are gone. Worst of all, I'm pregnant. And my kids will never know my parents. This, above all, is the hardest thing for me to deal with right now. They're not going to know where I came from. Really see them.
But you know, that very thing is also somewhat of a blessing in disguise.
I'm not going to pretend my mother and I had a good relationship. My mother was very, very troubled. She's been miserable my entire life. She's threatened to kill herself since I was very young. She took every pill she could get her hands on. She drank so much she started hiding it from me or waiting until her husband went to bed to go to the store. My mom had 3 DWIs in a 5-7 year period. 3. She could have killed not only herself, but someone else, with the way she behaved. She suffered from depression and God only knows what else. She had this incredible victim mentality where everything in the world was about her and everyone was out to get her. She was the type of person who would call and talk for 30 solid minutes about herself then say "well, I just wanted to see how you were doing" when she never asked me a single question about myself. My mother and I lived in two different worlds. It caused a lot of tension between us- mostly on my part because I was the only one lucid enough to remember everything. I kept her at a distance. I screened her calls. I didn't visit often. I couldn't deal with the crazy. I could not watch her self desctruct.
That's not to say my mom doesn't have any redeeming qualities. They just became buried in a haze of drugs and alcohol to where that good person didn't make an appearance much anymore. I remember the person who visited my great grandmother in the funeral home and painted her toe nails and held her hand and watched TV with her, even when she didn't know who we were anymore. I remember the woman who baked countless dozens of cookies at Christmas time. I remember the person who drove to ETBU when I was in college because I was sick and I didn't want to go to the doctor by myself.
But the more she drank, and took pills, and did drugs, the less I saw of that person. She had ups and downs and that's why I had to screen her calls- to see how sober she was. And that's what's so odd about this whole thing. She wasn't on a down cycle. Our last conversation was fairly pleasant. She hadn't been super depressed or crazy lately. I wasn't mad at her. And now she's gone.
So I said all that to say, Lorelai doesn't have to know my mom like that anymore. She doesn't have to wonder why I don't want her spending the night with Grandma. She doesn't have to wonder why I won't take Grandma's calls or here me fighting with her. All Lorelai will know, when she's little, is that Grandma and Grandpa are two angels looking out for her from heaven. Sort of a blessing in disguise.
As to what happened...we don't know 100%. They're assuming a heart attack. It sounds like whatever it was, her body just gave up. You can't live that hard for that long without consequences.
My mom and dad both lived the way they wanted to and wouldn't let anyone else tell them differently. Unfortunately, it was at my, my brother, and our children's expense. They both died at the age of 56.
So as for me...I'm ok. Still a little numb. Still in a little denial. Still a little shocked. Sad for what could have been.
Friday, July 19, 2013
24 Weeks! Not sure where the last 4 weeks went!
20 weeks! Halfway there
Gummy Bear: 24 weeks
Baby is: Baby is the size of a grapefruit! Almost 12 inches long and from 1-2 lbs. I get to see her next week so I'll have some more accurate measurements
Symptoms: Sensitive gums still. Ever growing belly. And FINALLY some movement! It's the weirdest feeling, but it's comforting to know she's doing ok in there.
Cravings: Nothing really. Still prefer soft foods to anything that requires a lot of chewing though
Aversions: Meat by itself. Eggs.
Drinking: Water and V8 V fusion (baby needs fruits and veggies!)
Clothes: Maternity pants and dresses. I'm all about comfort.
Gender: It's a girl! Full steam ahead on the hairbows, headbands and ruffly bloomers!
What I miss: My brain. My energy!
What I’m looking forward to: Seeing her on Tuesday
We got back from vacation this week. If you've never been of a cruise, I highly recommend it. I'm a planner. I need to have an idea of what we're doing and where we're going each day. I hate the "what are we doing today" moments. I like to research and read online reviews. For someone like me, the cruise was probably the only way I'd ever really relax on a vacation. I didn't have to think about anything. I didn't have to deal with traffic or rental cars or "what are we doing for dinner?".
I don't necessarily recommend it for pregnant women. I was WORN OUT!. There's a lot of walking compared to my normal routine (hello desk job!). Not to mention swimming! But I took naps, I slept on the beach, I slept by the pool, I slept on the ferry, I slept on the plane. I rested. I didn't stress. I had nothing to worry about, no decisions or plans to make. It was amazing. Craig and I both agree...we're definitely going back!
On a side note, I'm also very glad we waited. We decided to buy a house instead of going on a honeymoon. Between then and now, we learned a lot about money and budgeting and we were able to pay cash for every single piece of our vacation, from passports to souvenirs. That felt like such an accomplishment, especially after paying off everything but our cars and house in May. We wanted to have a little more time to save before going on the cruise, but we found out I was pregnant about a week after we bought our passports and the cruise line won't let you turn 24 weeks pregnant at any time during the cruise so this was the absolute latest we could go.
After a few big weeks, we're ready to slow things back down and watch the money build up. We put down new floors in most of the house, bought the crib, a dresser and a recliner for the nursery, and paid for vacation. It's been an expensive few weeks! Now it's time to save save save until Lorelai is here.
Monday, June 24, 2013
20 weeks! Halfway there
Gummy Bear: 20 weeks
Baby is: Baby is the size of a banana. 6 to 6.3 inches crown to rump. Baby weight approx 10 oz at our last ultrasound.
Symptoms: Sensitive gums. They bleed every time I brush my teeth. I'm also easily fatigued. Other than that, and the fact that my clothes don't fit right- I'd really never know. The ultrasound tech confirmed that I have an anterior placenta. Right now, the placenta is bigger than the baby. Until baby gets bigger, I won't be able to feel any movement.
Cravings: Nothing really. Saturday I barely ate anything. Sunday however, I ate 3 whole grain blueberry eggos for breakfast, a chicken sandwich and hashbrowns from Waffle House for lunch and steak, beef rice, salad and asparagus for dinner. And I ate all of it. That's the first time I've cleaned my dinner plate in a long time. And I finished steak! Yay protein.
Aversions: Food in general, haha. Eggs. Meat by itself. Pork, unless in bacon form, is totally out of the question. Chicken is a close second. I do better when meat is mixed into my food, or in ground form, like sausage or hamburgers. (Maybe this is finally passing though?!)
Drinking: Water and V8 V fusion (baby needs fruits and veggies), the occasional Sprite or ICEE
Clothes: Maternity pants and dresses. I'm all about comfort.
Gender: It's a girl! Are you surprised? I was! I knew she was wrong when she told me because it was a boy, but there I was, looking at the screen, and knowing there was no way I was looking at a boy. Now that I know it's a girl, it's full steam ahead on the nursery!
What I miss: My brain. Sleeping any way I want to. Not having to be so careful about everything I eat.
What I’m looking forward to: Finishing the nursery! We ripped up the carpet last night so I'm already looking forward to having flooring again.
Monday, June 17, 2013
New Beginnings
I thought it might be good for me to pick this back up. It's obviously been a few years, but if you're reading this you already know things have changed a lot since my last post anyway. I'll just pick up with the present :)
Baby Gummy Bear
I'm currently 19 weeks, 3 days pregnant. Yes we were trying. No, we really didn't tell anyone. No it didn't take long. Yes I want to have the baby naturally. I'm seeing a midwife and an OBGYN. Plan A is to have the baby in Texas at a birth center with the midwife. If things don't work out that way, I have a backup here in Sheveport with the OBGYN. Yes I want to know what the sex is. Yes I'm going back to work.
Now that we have all the nosy questions out of the way...
April I hope you don't mind me stealing your format, but I think it's a great way to update everyone on what's going on. I love reading yours!
Gummy Bear: 19 weeks
Baby is: Baby is the size of a mango. 5.5-6 inches, crown to rump, or about 10 inches if you count legs. Should weigh around 7 ounces. Will find out tomorrow how close to that baby looks. Last time they said I was measuring 6 days behind. I don't put a lot of weight into it though.
Symptoms: Sensitive gums. They bleed every time I brush my teeth. My stomache is sticking out more- but I don't exactly look pregnant. But it makes it uncomfortable to bend over and sleep none the less.
Cravings: Bland carbs. It's been that way for most of the pregnancy. All that really sounds good are potatoes or rice. Mexican food always sounds good, but I don't crave it. Sushi occasionally sounds good. As does anything else I'm not supposed to have (lunch meat, hot dogs, soda, and anything with alcohol in it). No real "I have to have this" cravings though.
Aversions: Food in general, haha. Eggs. Meat by itself. Pork, unless in bacon form, is totally out of the question. Chicken is a close second. Even last night I couldn't finish my steak. I do better when meat is mixed into my food, or in ground form, like sausage or hamburgers.
Drinking: Water and V8 V fusion (baby needs fruits and veggies)
Clothes: I've switched to mostly maternity pants because they're so comfortable! Seriously wish I knew that a long time ago. I can still wear a lot of my regular tops, but I pull at them more.
Gender: Unknown- but at this time, boy is looking like the clear winner in the wives tales competition I've been doing.
What I miss: Bending over. Sleeping any way I want to. Being able to walk and breathe easier than I can now. Having energy. My brain. Seriously slow on the reaction times now.
What I’m looking forward to: Finding out the gender! Finishing the nursery! Picking out a name! Feeling the baby move! So much to look forward too! I feel like this is just getting really exciting!
I'll try to keep this up and keep everyone informed. Craig and I are both looking forward to this adventure!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
i always saw in you my light and my strength
well, another month has passed without an update. i think about updating a lot, if that counts, haha.
so much has happened since i last updated. lots of changes at work. we've done some restructuring and i think it's really paying off. i'm in a better place and building my confidence back up but theres still work to be done. we're in a good place now though and i'm happy to be a part of it.
on the home front theres been a lot going on too. but no wedding planning, haha. the credit card hasn't even been taken out of the envelope for the jewelry store. you'll all know when we're ready to move forward :)
even though i'm not getting married yet, one of my friends did. it gave us the opportunity to get away from town for a while and head back to hot springs. we missed that town. ate lots of good food, did some shopping, played in the mineral water. but most importantly got to be there for one of my friends on her big day. the venue and ceremony were absolutely beautiful! out on lake hamilton. craig and i had a great time. lea looked amazing!
i had something catch me by surprise that night though. after dinner we go outside to get the dancing started. she and kyle, her husband, share their first dance, aww, yay, happy. then they call her father to the dance floor for the father daughter dance. i go from being perfectly normal and happy to hysterical almost immediately. even i couldn't believe it. i mean, i knew it was coming (the dance that is). i saw her father walk her down the aisle and made it through that ok. all of the sudden it just hit me and i told craig i can't do this. luckily we were outside and i could slip back into a corner where craig let me cry into his shoulder. it just hit me so fast and so hard. i hadn't cried that hard in a long time. i didn't expect it to effect me like that.
honestly that's always been one of the hardest things for me to cope with. little girls dream of having their daddy walk them down the aisle. they dream of that father daughter dance. i imagined my father crying as we got ready for the wedding. in middle school when that song, butterfly kisses came out i imagined us dancing to it at my wedding one day. how could my daddy possibly NOT be a part of my wedding day.
so as craig and i have looked forward to our future that's been a big question mark to me. i told craig during our first year together that he had to ask my dad for my hand. that's just the way it is. i don't know if he ever did but daddy gave me his blessing one day on the way home from one of his dr appointments. he said he was so glad i had finally found a good man. he thought craig and i were good together. since dad's death my future wedding has been a big question mark to me. how will i handle it when i get married? will i have an episode like at lea's wedding? who will walk me down the aise? should i go alone? what do i do about the father daughter dance now? how can i honor his memory without being overly sappy or bringing the mood down? lots of questions i don't have to worry about answering now, but things i think about none the less.
i did some research online one time and found lots of bad ideas, haha. but as i got ahold of myself at the wedding i could actually take in that moment and the song she chose was actually pretty perfect. she played faith hill's "there you'll be". it was a song i'd never thought about but i don't think it could be more perfect for a girl who's father is no longer physically here (although i'm sure she means it much differently). i've thought of the song often since. and since the day after her wedding marked 6 month since he passed, it's weighed heavier on my mind in the quiet moments. his funeral was 6 months ago today.
and easter makes me think of him too. dying eggs at his house. when kyle and i were little, our parents hid our easter baskets in the house as our first thing to find. that's a special memory for me. something i want to pass down to my kids. once we were too big to dye eggs easter hasn't really been a big deal for us anymore, but it's still fond memories from childhood. the last easter i remember spending hunting eggs was with him out at the lake house. fun times for sure.
in totally unrelated news, to paid for the aforementioned future plans, craig and i have really been needing to tighten up our spending. hands down the biggest thing we spend money on is food. between my working late and us eating out (no fast food-more expensive) and our spontaneous grocery store trips that involve only buying low fat (more expensive), no fat (more expensive), healthy (more expensive), organic (more expensive), whole foods, our food bill was a little out of control. a few weeks ago brookshires had a sale on several items we use a lot, buy 1 get 1 for a penny. i went and stocked up on a few things and saved $50. i was pretty proud of myself. well then i saw that show "extreme couponing". it was like, a personal challenge. i HAD to do that. not all crazy like those people, but if it worked on a big scale, it would work on a small scale. i HAD to save lots of money on my groceries. i just had to. so that sunday i bought 3 newspapers. it looked like my work had already paid off because in each paper was a coupon for $5 off my dog's $28/bag dog food (have i mentioned it's also expensive for animals to not eat junk food). $5! i wanted craig to go get more papers but he said no. i picked up another 3 papers last sunday and this week craig and i made our first big, money conscious trip.
the key to making coupons work is saving them and a) only buying things on sale and b)only using your coupons on sale items. that way you get the most bang for your buck and never pay full price for an item. stores put items on about a 6 week sale cycle meaning that every 6 weeks or so, items are are their lowest, rock bottom prices. when they are, that's when you strike!
see i always looked at that $.25 off coupon and thought, big deal, a quarter. but, if an item is on sale then you take that $.25 coupon to a store that will triple it, you might end up with something for free. a lot of stores douple coupons up to say, $.30 and double from $.30-$.50. until that show, i never saw that coupons could really work. they really can save you money! we saw someone this week get like $1800 worth of stuff and walked out paying less than $15. its fascinating to me!
now don't get me wrong, theres a fine line between genius and insane and those people have crossed it. one lady buys cat treats and doesn't have a cat. another lady buys diapers but doesn't have any children. coo koo for coco puffs. and why someone would buy 65 bottles of mustard is beyond me. i don't think i'll use that in my entire lifetime. but, if you go and buy 6 weeks worth of something, just enough to get you through to the next sale, then voila! you're saving money!
so on our first big trip, craig and i went looking for sales. we only bought 3 items that werent on sale and only bought sale items if they were a good enough deal. some items advertised as a sale were only $.01 cheaper than their normal price. you have to pay attention! and we didnt buy anything we dont want, need, or use. we had an overflowing buggy. we went a little canned goods happy, but the del monte ones were on sale 5 for $3, even the no salt added ones. then the skinner pasta was on sale for $.89/bag and for some pastas that meant half price. all in all we save $91 (32%). we were really pleased with ourselves. and i only had 2 coupons that time! imagine if we had more coupons!
well then i had a few coupons that will expire soon for kroger (you can load coupons directly onto your kroger card) so we went to use them. while there we saw they were having a 3 day special on brisket ($1.49/lb) that made the briskets half off. well we love to grill so into the basket 2 went...on the kroger trip we saved a little over $50 and upped our savings to 37%.
then today, i'd been thinking about what to make for easter dessert tomorrow. i bought some refrigerated pie shells on sale at brookshires so i wanted to make a pie but all the pie recipes i saw were for graham cracker crust type pies. but i remembered brookshires had those on sale and we passed on them the last trip. i also knew they had cool whip on sale because we also passed on it and all these pie recipes called for that too. and since i needed some cheese for the bread i wanted to bake i decided to go pick up a few things. i bought only sale items again and saved over $25 finally bumping my savings to 40%!
i love it. we have plenty of food stocked up, something craig has been wanting to do. he's very interested in self reliance and being prepared for an emergency of the biggest kind. so into it i almost bought him a rotating can storage system for our anniversary. well, after this week's sale we bought one of the shelves. i've always loved it because i'm a sucker for organizational gadgets but buying lots of canned goods on sale really forced us to find an effective way to store them. it's a little one so i'm not going all food hoarder on you guys, but we definitely have enough corn, peas and green beans to keep us from buying anymore for like, the rest of the year, haha. also got some storage bins (using my bed bath & beyond coupons!) for our pasta and baking goods because 4 bags of whole wheat flour can be hard to store, haha. im looking forward to seeing this make a big difference in our bottom line too!
so much has happened since i last updated. lots of changes at work. we've done some restructuring and i think it's really paying off. i'm in a better place and building my confidence back up but theres still work to be done. we're in a good place now though and i'm happy to be a part of it.
on the home front theres been a lot going on too. but no wedding planning, haha. the credit card hasn't even been taken out of the envelope for the jewelry store. you'll all know when we're ready to move forward :)
even though i'm not getting married yet, one of my friends did. it gave us the opportunity to get away from town for a while and head back to hot springs. we missed that town. ate lots of good food, did some shopping, played in the mineral water. but most importantly got to be there for one of my friends on her big day. the venue and ceremony were absolutely beautiful! out on lake hamilton. craig and i had a great time. lea looked amazing!
i had something catch me by surprise that night though. after dinner we go outside to get the dancing started. she and kyle, her husband, share their first dance, aww, yay, happy. then they call her father to the dance floor for the father daughter dance. i go from being perfectly normal and happy to hysterical almost immediately. even i couldn't believe it. i mean, i knew it was coming (the dance that is). i saw her father walk her down the aisle and made it through that ok. all of the sudden it just hit me and i told craig i can't do this. luckily we were outside and i could slip back into a corner where craig let me cry into his shoulder. it just hit me so fast and so hard. i hadn't cried that hard in a long time. i didn't expect it to effect me like that.
honestly that's always been one of the hardest things for me to cope with. little girls dream of having their daddy walk them down the aisle. they dream of that father daughter dance. i imagined my father crying as we got ready for the wedding. in middle school when that song, butterfly kisses came out i imagined us dancing to it at my wedding one day. how could my daddy possibly NOT be a part of my wedding day.
so as craig and i have looked forward to our future that's been a big question mark to me. i told craig during our first year together that he had to ask my dad for my hand. that's just the way it is. i don't know if he ever did but daddy gave me his blessing one day on the way home from one of his dr appointments. he said he was so glad i had finally found a good man. he thought craig and i were good together. since dad's death my future wedding has been a big question mark to me. how will i handle it when i get married? will i have an episode like at lea's wedding? who will walk me down the aise? should i go alone? what do i do about the father daughter dance now? how can i honor his memory without being overly sappy or bringing the mood down? lots of questions i don't have to worry about answering now, but things i think about none the less.
i did some research online one time and found lots of bad ideas, haha. but as i got ahold of myself at the wedding i could actually take in that moment and the song she chose was actually pretty perfect. she played faith hill's "there you'll be". it was a song i'd never thought about but i don't think it could be more perfect for a girl who's father is no longer physically here (although i'm sure she means it much differently). i've thought of the song often since. and since the day after her wedding marked 6 month since he passed, it's weighed heavier on my mind in the quiet moments. his funeral was 6 months ago today.
and easter makes me think of him too. dying eggs at his house. when kyle and i were little, our parents hid our easter baskets in the house as our first thing to find. that's a special memory for me. something i want to pass down to my kids. once we were too big to dye eggs easter hasn't really been a big deal for us anymore, but it's still fond memories from childhood. the last easter i remember spending hunting eggs was with him out at the lake house. fun times for sure.
in totally unrelated news, to paid for the aforementioned future plans, craig and i have really been needing to tighten up our spending. hands down the biggest thing we spend money on is food. between my working late and us eating out (no fast food-more expensive) and our spontaneous grocery store trips that involve only buying low fat (more expensive), no fat (more expensive), healthy (more expensive), organic (more expensive), whole foods, our food bill was a little out of control. a few weeks ago brookshires had a sale on several items we use a lot, buy 1 get 1 for a penny. i went and stocked up on a few things and saved $50. i was pretty proud of myself. well then i saw that show "extreme couponing". it was like, a personal challenge. i HAD to do that. not all crazy like those people, but if it worked on a big scale, it would work on a small scale. i HAD to save lots of money on my groceries. i just had to. so that sunday i bought 3 newspapers. it looked like my work had already paid off because in each paper was a coupon for $5 off my dog's $28/bag dog food (have i mentioned it's also expensive for animals to not eat junk food). $5! i wanted craig to go get more papers but he said no. i picked up another 3 papers last sunday and this week craig and i made our first big, money conscious trip.
the key to making coupons work is saving them and a) only buying things on sale and b)only using your coupons on sale items. that way you get the most bang for your buck and never pay full price for an item. stores put items on about a 6 week sale cycle meaning that every 6 weeks or so, items are are their lowest, rock bottom prices. when they are, that's when you strike!
see i always looked at that $.25 off coupon and thought, big deal, a quarter. but, if an item is on sale then you take that $.25 coupon to a store that will triple it, you might end up with something for free. a lot of stores douple coupons up to say, $.30 and double from $.30-$.50. until that show, i never saw that coupons could really work. they really can save you money! we saw someone this week get like $1800 worth of stuff and walked out paying less than $15. its fascinating to me!
now don't get me wrong, theres a fine line between genius and insane and those people have crossed it. one lady buys cat treats and doesn't have a cat. another lady buys diapers but doesn't have any children. coo koo for coco puffs. and why someone would buy 65 bottles of mustard is beyond me. i don't think i'll use that in my entire lifetime. but, if you go and buy 6 weeks worth of something, just enough to get you through to the next sale, then voila! you're saving money!
so on our first big trip, craig and i went looking for sales. we only bought 3 items that werent on sale and only bought sale items if they were a good enough deal. some items advertised as a sale were only $.01 cheaper than their normal price. you have to pay attention! and we didnt buy anything we dont want, need, or use. we had an overflowing buggy. we went a little canned goods happy, but the del monte ones were on sale 5 for $3, even the no salt added ones. then the skinner pasta was on sale for $.89/bag and for some pastas that meant half price. all in all we save $91 (32%). we were really pleased with ourselves. and i only had 2 coupons that time! imagine if we had more coupons!
well then i had a few coupons that will expire soon for kroger (you can load coupons directly onto your kroger card) so we went to use them. while there we saw they were having a 3 day special on brisket ($1.49/lb) that made the briskets half off. well we love to grill so into the basket 2 went...on the kroger trip we saved a little over $50 and upped our savings to 37%.
then today, i'd been thinking about what to make for easter dessert tomorrow. i bought some refrigerated pie shells on sale at brookshires so i wanted to make a pie but all the pie recipes i saw were for graham cracker crust type pies. but i remembered brookshires had those on sale and we passed on them the last trip. i also knew they had cool whip on sale because we also passed on it and all these pie recipes called for that too. and since i needed some cheese for the bread i wanted to bake i decided to go pick up a few things. i bought only sale items again and saved over $25 finally bumping my savings to 40%!
i love it. we have plenty of food stocked up, something craig has been wanting to do. he's very interested in self reliance and being prepared for an emergency of the biggest kind. so into it i almost bought him a rotating can storage system for our anniversary. well, after this week's sale we bought one of the shelves. i've always loved it because i'm a sucker for organizational gadgets but buying lots of canned goods on sale really forced us to find an effective way to store them. it's a little one so i'm not going all food hoarder on you guys, but we definitely have enough corn, peas and green beans to keep us from buying anymore for like, the rest of the year, haha. also got some storage bins (using my bed bath & beyond coupons!) for our pasta and baking goods because 4 bags of whole wheat flour can be hard to store, haha. im looking forward to seeing this make a big difference in our bottom line too!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
For as much as she stumbled she's runnin
another saturday at the office.
i like working when no ones here. i get more done. but i hate wasting a perfectly beautiful day. and i'm sure craig would appreciate if i spent a like more time cleaning house since its been neglected for months now. tis my life...
this week was MUCH better than last. except i gave up sweets for lent and thats kind of killing me since i ate SO many before i gave them up. its become more of a personal challenge now. can i really go 40 days without chocolate? i think so because im not counting drinks (chocolate milk!). just candy and desserts and pie and ice cream and such. its hard to not just grab a cookie if i want one though. especially during girl scout season...but thats what got me here.
i've started the dr thing back up. before dad got sick i went to my dr who recommended me to an endocrinologist to figure out why i have such a hard time loosing weight. sweet tooth aside, i eat better than most people i know. we eat a lot, which adds extra calories, but i try to be sensible about what i get. and don't usually clean my plate or anything. and the doctors agree it doesnt appear to be my eating habits holding my back. at home it's nothing but whole wheat this, sugar free that, low sodium this, fat free that. whole foods and organic meats and veggies when sensible. we dont buy snacks or sodas or chips or junk food unless we're having people over for a party so we don't even have that temptation.
its frustrating to me because i eat better than i've EVER eaten in my life. i know about portions and balancing my meals. i know how to eat healthy and most of my choices are healthy. but i weigh more now than i EVER have. ever. and frankly, it pisses me off. in high school, a typical lunch for me was a bag of chili cheese fritos, 2 grandmothers chocolate chip cookies and a dr. pepper from a vending machine. and when i moved to shreveport, we used to go straight from school to mc donalds where id eat a cesar salad shaker, a large fry, and a soda BEFORE DINNER. now, ive never been skinny by any stretch of the imagination, and i know i never will be. my mom and grandmother both had weight problems. my cousins are built similarly to me. we're just big boned, ok! but i think about all the health problems my mom has right now. knee surgeries and hurnias and i DO NOT want to go through that. plus with dad getting cancer, and both my grandmothers having cancer, i know i need to take good care of myself. but it shouldn't be this hard!i shouldn't gain weight and eat the way that i eat.
granted, i know i'm missing the exercise piece. i know that's part of it. but the 30 min, 3 times a week thing didn't really do anything for me. and i weigh so much that exercising makes me miserable. there is nothing fun about working out to me. nothing. i don't feel better after i do it, i feel worse. it doesn't seem to ever get easier for me. i took dance all last year and the last class was just as tolling on me as the first and i didn't help me lose a single pound. i don't eat like a vegan or a health nut, but i don't eat bad enough to be my size either.
so insert dr here.
they're running tests on me to check my hormones and thyroid and all kinds of other stuff i don't understand so hopefully we can get some answers. losing weight is hard. but it shouldn't be this hard. i shouldnt have to eat nothing but vegetables and fruit for the rest of my life. normal people eat bread. im hoping for answers because i dont have 6 hours a day to spend in the gym like the fat people on tv.
and that's another thing that pisses me off. craig and i were watching a show, i think it was called heavy, on A & E. there was this woman on there who i felt like i could connect to. she was one of those cute fat girls. pretty face, just chubby. i was like, alright, someone like me! then they start telling her story...this girl seriously hides food in her closet. at home she would go in her closet and eat while her husband was watching tv and he'd think she was cleaning but she'd really be eating. then she showed a typical meal for her and it was fast food (a big no no for dinner in our house)and she had arbys: fries and potato cakes and egg rolls and a big soda and a sandwich covered in cheese. i would never eat a meal like that! and they went grocery shopping and she picked up a big package of reeses cups that had like 6 or 8 of the double packs in it. she said she would typically eat like 4, then finish off the package later. and she would eat a whole bag of cheetos in one sitting (not a snack bag either). and the kicker...she weighs less than i do! its frustrating to me to watch people who CLEARLY have problems, eat everything in sight but i dont and im heavier than they are. very very frustrating.
and then theres the "s" word. my mom did it. and boy did i judge her for that. i thought she was taking the easy way out. she wasn't willing to do the work. she wasn't willing to learn how to eat right. she just wanted a quick fix. and that's as much my voice as i think it is her reasoning. she was overweight my whole life so now she really does have problems. her thyroid doesnt work at all anymore. she aches and hurts all the time. plus now that she's had the surgery she doesn't get all the vitamins and nutrients her body needs because she's not feeding it right. part of me hates the doctors for letting her go through that without making her learn how to cook for herself and eat healthy balanced meals before they did it. but part of it's just her choosing to turn a blind eye to anything hard. she wants to drink 2 liters of diet coke a day and nothing i say can change that. since then, ive become less judgmental of it for other people, but ive never ever considered it would be an option for me. thats fine for you, but i wouldn't do it.
but then theres a small voice in the back of my head saying, if you could just get it off, it would be easy to maintain. you KNOW how to eat well. and without the excess weight, maybe you'll really like working out. there could be a runner buried in there. i wouldn't know because when i was smaller, i didn't know any better. i thought you were supposed to put 2 cups of sugar in your kool aid. but i do now. but the majority of my brain thinks that voice is CRAZY.
but what if it comes to that? i dont want to do any more long term damage. i want to have children one day. can i even get pregnant at this weight? i dont want to need new knees or hips or ankles. but i can't quit my job and move into the gym. eating healthy, balanced meals isn't enough. what if the dr can't find out why my body is gathering fat like it will never eat again? what if my only options are starve myself and sleep next to the elliptical or have surgery? that terrifies me. i just want them to find out whats wrong.
well, that discussion went a lot further than i planned. i actually planned on writing about something totally different, haha. maybe next time!
however, i'll leave you with a few paintball pictures as promised. i only lasted 2 rounds. only shot the gun once. my boss wanted to go to some sniper range in the middle of the woods first. so after the hike and the tromping through the woods, i was pretty much done. i coudln't breathe. i would have rather started on an easier course (something flat, with less rocks and sticks perhaps). ill give it another try, but i need to start small.
i like working when no ones here. i get more done. but i hate wasting a perfectly beautiful day. and i'm sure craig would appreciate if i spent a like more time cleaning house since its been neglected for months now. tis my life...
this week was MUCH better than last. except i gave up sweets for lent and thats kind of killing me since i ate SO many before i gave them up. its become more of a personal challenge now. can i really go 40 days without chocolate? i think so because im not counting drinks (chocolate milk!). just candy and desserts and pie and ice cream and such. its hard to not just grab a cookie if i want one though. especially during girl scout season...but thats what got me here.
i've started the dr thing back up. before dad got sick i went to my dr who recommended me to an endocrinologist to figure out why i have such a hard time loosing weight. sweet tooth aside, i eat better than most people i know. we eat a lot, which adds extra calories, but i try to be sensible about what i get. and don't usually clean my plate or anything. and the doctors agree it doesnt appear to be my eating habits holding my back. at home it's nothing but whole wheat this, sugar free that, low sodium this, fat free that. whole foods and organic meats and veggies when sensible. we dont buy snacks or sodas or chips or junk food unless we're having people over for a party so we don't even have that temptation.
its frustrating to me because i eat better than i've EVER eaten in my life. i know about portions and balancing my meals. i know how to eat healthy and most of my choices are healthy. but i weigh more now than i EVER have. ever. and frankly, it pisses me off. in high school, a typical lunch for me was a bag of chili cheese fritos, 2 grandmothers chocolate chip cookies and a dr. pepper from a vending machine. and when i moved to shreveport, we used to go straight from school to mc donalds where id eat a cesar salad shaker, a large fry, and a soda BEFORE DINNER. now, ive never been skinny by any stretch of the imagination, and i know i never will be. my mom and grandmother both had weight problems. my cousins are built similarly to me. we're just big boned, ok! but i think about all the health problems my mom has right now. knee surgeries and hurnias and i DO NOT want to go through that. plus with dad getting cancer, and both my grandmothers having cancer, i know i need to take good care of myself. but it shouldn't be this hard!i shouldn't gain weight and eat the way that i eat.
granted, i know i'm missing the exercise piece. i know that's part of it. but the 30 min, 3 times a week thing didn't really do anything for me. and i weigh so much that exercising makes me miserable. there is nothing fun about working out to me. nothing. i don't feel better after i do it, i feel worse. it doesn't seem to ever get easier for me. i took dance all last year and the last class was just as tolling on me as the first and i didn't help me lose a single pound. i don't eat like a vegan or a health nut, but i don't eat bad enough to be my size either.
so insert dr here.
they're running tests on me to check my hormones and thyroid and all kinds of other stuff i don't understand so hopefully we can get some answers. losing weight is hard. but it shouldn't be this hard. i shouldnt have to eat nothing but vegetables and fruit for the rest of my life. normal people eat bread. im hoping for answers because i dont have 6 hours a day to spend in the gym like the fat people on tv.
and that's another thing that pisses me off. craig and i were watching a show, i think it was called heavy, on A & E. there was this woman on there who i felt like i could connect to. she was one of those cute fat girls. pretty face, just chubby. i was like, alright, someone like me! then they start telling her story...this girl seriously hides food in her closet. at home she would go in her closet and eat while her husband was watching tv and he'd think she was cleaning but she'd really be eating. then she showed a typical meal for her and it was fast food (a big no no for dinner in our house)and she had arbys: fries and potato cakes and egg rolls and a big soda and a sandwich covered in cheese. i would never eat a meal like that! and they went grocery shopping and she picked up a big package of reeses cups that had like 6 or 8 of the double packs in it. she said she would typically eat like 4, then finish off the package later. and she would eat a whole bag of cheetos in one sitting (not a snack bag either). and the kicker...she weighs less than i do! its frustrating to me to watch people who CLEARLY have problems, eat everything in sight but i dont and im heavier than they are. very very frustrating.
and then theres the "s" word. my mom did it. and boy did i judge her for that. i thought she was taking the easy way out. she wasn't willing to do the work. she wasn't willing to learn how to eat right. she just wanted a quick fix. and that's as much my voice as i think it is her reasoning. she was overweight my whole life so now she really does have problems. her thyroid doesnt work at all anymore. she aches and hurts all the time. plus now that she's had the surgery she doesn't get all the vitamins and nutrients her body needs because she's not feeding it right. part of me hates the doctors for letting her go through that without making her learn how to cook for herself and eat healthy balanced meals before they did it. but part of it's just her choosing to turn a blind eye to anything hard. she wants to drink 2 liters of diet coke a day and nothing i say can change that. since then, ive become less judgmental of it for other people, but ive never ever considered it would be an option for me. thats fine for you, but i wouldn't do it.
but then theres a small voice in the back of my head saying, if you could just get it off, it would be easy to maintain. you KNOW how to eat well. and without the excess weight, maybe you'll really like working out. there could be a runner buried in there. i wouldn't know because when i was smaller, i didn't know any better. i thought you were supposed to put 2 cups of sugar in your kool aid. but i do now. but the majority of my brain thinks that voice is CRAZY.
but what if it comes to that? i dont want to do any more long term damage. i want to have children one day. can i even get pregnant at this weight? i dont want to need new knees or hips or ankles. but i can't quit my job and move into the gym. eating healthy, balanced meals isn't enough. what if the dr can't find out why my body is gathering fat like it will never eat again? what if my only options are starve myself and sleep next to the elliptical or have surgery? that terrifies me. i just want them to find out whats wrong.
well, that discussion went a lot further than i planned. i actually planned on writing about something totally different, haha. maybe next time!
however, i'll leave you with a few paintball pictures as promised. i only lasted 2 rounds. only shot the gun once. my boss wanted to go to some sniper range in the middle of the woods first. so after the hike and the tromping through the woods, i was pretty much done. i coudln't breathe. i would have rather started on an easier course (something flat, with less rocks and sticks perhaps). ill give it another try, but i need to start small.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
my future's so bright, i've got to wear shades!
i know, i know, im neglecting this.
and i shouldn't because i have a lot on my mind and not many people to talk to.
i realized this week how calloused i've become. things that should bother me, don't. people who are being hurtful, don't hurt. i don't feel much of anything really. i have my defenses up to keep myself from being hurt, being mad, being upset. it is what it is and life goes on. i have developed a real trust issue. if you don't trust people, it doesn't bother you when they let you down. i know that totally not healthy but i don't care enough to deal with it right now. so for now, life keeps on going.
and my how crazy life has been lately. lots of highs. lots of good things going on to look forward to. all tainted by the crappy stuff i mentioned above, of course, but it's the good stuff i choose to focus on. life just feels really fast right now. each day is over quicker than i realize. i love the fast pace, but its starting to wear me down. im needing a bit of time to recharge. a little escape from reality. sand and sun and a drink with an umbrella in it sounds just about right...:)but there's so much going on right now! and it's all bringing me closer to where i want to be and that's all that matters. life is hard and i know if you want something you've never had, you have to work hard to get there!
everyone always wants to know how craig and i are. the answer is great. he loves me and supports me and i couldn't ask for anything better. we talk a lot about the future. we've been together officially 3 years now. nothing official happening, but i bought a wedding planning book and he didn't freak out about it, haha.
yesterday was a rough day for me. it's been a tough week and i was running out of energy and fight. and thursday i was offered tickets to a hockey game for friday. the more i thought about it, the more anxiety i felt about it. by the time i got off work friday just thinking about the game made me cry on the way home. so when i got home, i told craig i didn't know if i was up to going. while i decompressed (fell asleep) on the couch, craig got up and cooked dinner for us. he takes good care of me. he's the one part of my life i never worry about, never question. i love him more than i can express.
oh the hockey game. what a challenge that was. you see, it was dad who talked me into going to my first game. actually, i ran out of excuses and felt bad for always telling him no so i gave in. and i was so glad i did! it was so much fun! dad and i started going together to every game after that. just me and him most of the time. kyle would come sometimes, but it was always dad and i for sure. i never would have gone or cared about them if it wasn't for dad. right after he died they had a game for cancer awareness (the day before his funeral actually) that kyle and i talked about going to but we decided to go see our family instead. i havent made much of an effort to go since, but we've talked about it a few times. faced with the reality of it after such a hard week was a little too much for me though. dealing with dads death isn't really hard for me anymore, but i didn't have enough strength this week to. thursday and friday were both tough days for me. one of those times where i miss him so much i just ache. i've since slept better so i feel better but sometimes it's just hard.
i think it started brewing monday. i had to get new tires on my car and cars were always dad's thing. it killed me to not be able to call and ask him what he thought was wrong with my tires (i only had 23K on my car and one tire was bald but the others were all ok). i hated having to solely rely on the dealership and their opinion. i never thought i'd have to deal with anything car related without dad. so maybe that was eating at my subconscious still...
there's just no feeling like missing someone you'll never see again.
but next week is exciting! we're launching testing for an app we've developed at work that will hopefully make everyones life a little easier. gotta love new toys! and speaking of new toys, i'm getting a new phone tuesday. no more taking they battery out to end calls! yay! then saturday i'm going to paint this cool peacock picture at painting with a twist. can't wait to do that one!
this sunday will be...interesting. my company is sponsoring a paintball trip team building thing. i have less than zero desire to be shot at or to shoot other people. i asked craig how much fun he thinks it will be sunday night when i'm whining about being covered in welts and bruises. he thinks i'm psyching myself out but i think i'm being realistic. there is absolutely nothing that i think is fun that entails anyone getting hurt. not to mention, i dont have any clothes appropriate for rolling around in the woods AND getting shot at. girl clothes are thin. even my jeans are thin. but, because this is how i like to prepare for events, i bought a new outfit! haha. i've decided to play the part of country chic. i bought a camo hat and a camo long sleeve shirt. craig bought one too. i told him we'd take a picture and it will be our christmas card picture this year! my hat has a pink "r" on it for remington since they make my favorite ammo. the back says "shoot like a girl". craig says i do. haha. my outfit makes him laugh. he never thought id wear anything like this. i told him it's a costume. i love playing dress up! now i just have to figure out the pants thing...i suggested my snow pants (they're thick and waterproof!) and craig thinks i'm being ridiculous. easy for a man in carharts to say! guess we're going shopping tonight!
well, i think i've rambled enough. i'll let you know how paintball goes (and post some pics!).
and i shouldn't because i have a lot on my mind and not many people to talk to.
i realized this week how calloused i've become. things that should bother me, don't. people who are being hurtful, don't hurt. i don't feel much of anything really. i have my defenses up to keep myself from being hurt, being mad, being upset. it is what it is and life goes on. i have developed a real trust issue. if you don't trust people, it doesn't bother you when they let you down. i know that totally not healthy but i don't care enough to deal with it right now. so for now, life keeps on going.
and my how crazy life has been lately. lots of highs. lots of good things going on to look forward to. all tainted by the crappy stuff i mentioned above, of course, but it's the good stuff i choose to focus on. life just feels really fast right now. each day is over quicker than i realize. i love the fast pace, but its starting to wear me down. im needing a bit of time to recharge. a little escape from reality. sand and sun and a drink with an umbrella in it sounds just about right...:)but there's so much going on right now! and it's all bringing me closer to where i want to be and that's all that matters. life is hard and i know if you want something you've never had, you have to work hard to get there!
everyone always wants to know how craig and i are. the answer is great. he loves me and supports me and i couldn't ask for anything better. we talk a lot about the future. we've been together officially 3 years now. nothing official happening, but i bought a wedding planning book and he didn't freak out about it, haha.
yesterday was a rough day for me. it's been a tough week and i was running out of energy and fight. and thursday i was offered tickets to a hockey game for friday. the more i thought about it, the more anxiety i felt about it. by the time i got off work friday just thinking about the game made me cry on the way home. so when i got home, i told craig i didn't know if i was up to going. while i decompressed (fell asleep) on the couch, craig got up and cooked dinner for us. he takes good care of me. he's the one part of my life i never worry about, never question. i love him more than i can express.
oh the hockey game. what a challenge that was. you see, it was dad who talked me into going to my first game. actually, i ran out of excuses and felt bad for always telling him no so i gave in. and i was so glad i did! it was so much fun! dad and i started going together to every game after that. just me and him most of the time. kyle would come sometimes, but it was always dad and i for sure. i never would have gone or cared about them if it wasn't for dad. right after he died they had a game for cancer awareness (the day before his funeral actually) that kyle and i talked about going to but we decided to go see our family instead. i havent made much of an effort to go since, but we've talked about it a few times. faced with the reality of it after such a hard week was a little too much for me though. dealing with dads death isn't really hard for me anymore, but i didn't have enough strength this week to. thursday and friday were both tough days for me. one of those times where i miss him so much i just ache. i've since slept better so i feel better but sometimes it's just hard.
i think it started brewing monday. i had to get new tires on my car and cars were always dad's thing. it killed me to not be able to call and ask him what he thought was wrong with my tires (i only had 23K on my car and one tire was bald but the others were all ok). i hated having to solely rely on the dealership and their opinion. i never thought i'd have to deal with anything car related without dad. so maybe that was eating at my subconscious still...
there's just no feeling like missing someone you'll never see again.
but next week is exciting! we're launching testing for an app we've developed at work that will hopefully make everyones life a little easier. gotta love new toys! and speaking of new toys, i'm getting a new phone tuesday. no more taking they battery out to end calls! yay! then saturday i'm going to paint this cool peacock picture at painting with a twist. can't wait to do that one!
this sunday will be...interesting. my company is sponsoring a paintball trip team building thing. i have less than zero desire to be shot at or to shoot other people. i asked craig how much fun he thinks it will be sunday night when i'm whining about being covered in welts and bruises. he thinks i'm psyching myself out but i think i'm being realistic. there is absolutely nothing that i think is fun that entails anyone getting hurt. not to mention, i dont have any clothes appropriate for rolling around in the woods AND getting shot at. girl clothes are thin. even my jeans are thin. but, because this is how i like to prepare for events, i bought a new outfit! haha. i've decided to play the part of country chic. i bought a camo hat and a camo long sleeve shirt. craig bought one too. i told him we'd take a picture and it will be our christmas card picture this year! my hat has a pink "r" on it for remington since they make my favorite ammo. the back says "shoot like a girl". craig says i do. haha. my outfit makes him laugh. he never thought id wear anything like this. i told him it's a costume. i love playing dress up! now i just have to figure out the pants thing...i suggested my snow pants (they're thick and waterproof!) and craig thinks i'm being ridiculous. easy for a man in carharts to say! guess we're going shopping tonight!
well, i think i've rambled enough. i'll let you know how paintball goes (and post some pics!).
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