my future's so bright, i've got to wear shades!

i know, i know, im neglecting this.

and i shouldn't because i have a lot on my mind and not many people to talk to.

i realized this week how calloused i've become. things that should bother me, don't. people who are being hurtful, don't hurt. i don't feel much of anything really. i have my defenses up to keep myself from being hurt, being mad, being upset. it is what it is and life goes on. i have developed a real trust issue. if you don't trust people, it doesn't bother you when they let you down. i know that totally not healthy but i don't care enough to deal with it right now. so for now, life keeps on going.

and my how crazy life has been lately. lots of highs. lots of good things going on to look forward to. all tainted by the crappy stuff i mentioned above, of course, but it's the good stuff i choose to focus on. life just feels really fast right now. each day is over quicker than i realize. i love the fast pace, but its starting to wear me down. im needing a bit of time to recharge. a little escape from reality. sand and sun and a drink with an umbrella in it sounds just about right...:)but there's so much going on right now! and it's all bringing me closer to where i want to be and that's all that matters. life is hard and i know if you want something you've never had, you have to work hard to get there!

everyone always wants to know how craig and i are. the answer is great. he loves me and supports me and i couldn't ask for anything better. we talk a lot about the future. we've been together officially 3 years now. nothing official happening, but i bought a wedding planning book and he didn't freak out about it, haha.

yesterday was a rough day for me. it's been a tough week and i was running out of energy and fight. and thursday i was offered tickets to a hockey game for friday. the more i thought about it, the more anxiety i felt about it. by the time i got off work friday just thinking about the game made me cry on the way home. so when i got home, i told craig i didn't know if i was up to going. while i decompressed (fell asleep) on the couch, craig got up and cooked dinner for us. he takes good care of me. he's the one part of my life i never worry about, never question. i love him more than i can express.

oh the hockey game. what a challenge that was. you see, it was dad who talked me into going to my first game. actually, i ran out of excuses and felt bad for always telling him no so i gave in. and i was so glad i did! it was so much fun! dad and i started going together to every game after that. just me and him most of the time. kyle would come sometimes, but it was always dad and i for sure. i never would have gone or cared about them if it wasn't for dad. right after he died they had a game for cancer awareness (the day before his funeral actually) that kyle and i talked about going to but we decided to go see our family instead. i havent made much of an effort to go since, but we've talked about it a few times. faced with the reality of it after such a hard week was a little too much for me though. dealing with dads death isn't really hard for me anymore, but i didn't have enough strength this week to. thursday and friday were both tough days for me. one of those times where i miss him so much i just ache. i've since slept better so i feel better but sometimes it's just hard.

i think it started brewing monday. i had to get new tires on my car and cars were always dad's thing. it killed me to not be able to call and ask him what he thought was wrong with my tires (i only had 23K on my car and one tire was bald but the others were all ok). i hated having to solely rely on the dealership and their opinion. i never thought i'd have to deal with anything car related without dad. so maybe that was eating at my subconscious still...

there's just no feeling like missing someone you'll never see again.

but next week is exciting! we're launching testing for an app we've developed at work that will hopefully make everyones life a little easier. gotta love new toys! and speaking of new toys, i'm getting a new phone tuesday. no more taking they battery out to end calls! yay! then saturday i'm going to paint this cool peacock picture at painting with a twist. can't wait to do that one!

this sunday will be...interesting. my company is sponsoring a paintball trip team building thing. i have less than zero desire to be shot at or to shoot other people. i asked craig how much fun he thinks it will be sunday night when i'm whining about being covered in welts and bruises. he thinks i'm psyching myself out but i think i'm being realistic. there is absolutely nothing that i think is fun that entails anyone getting hurt. not to mention, i dont have any clothes appropriate for rolling around in the woods AND getting shot at. girl clothes are thin. even my jeans are thin. but, because this is how i like to prepare for events, i bought a new outfit! haha. i've decided to play the part of country chic. i bought a camo hat and a camo long sleeve shirt. craig bought one too. i told him we'd take a picture and it will be our christmas card picture this year! my hat has a pink "r" on it for remington since they make my favorite ammo. the back says "shoot like a girl". craig says i do. haha. my outfit makes him laugh. he never thought id wear anything like this. i told him it's a costume. i love playing dress up! now i just have to figure out the pants thing...i suggested my snow pants (they're thick and waterproof!) and craig thinks i'm being ridiculous. easy for a man in carharts to say! guess we're going shopping tonight!

well, i think i've rambled enough. i'll let you know how paintball goes (and post some pics!).