For as much as she stumbled she's runnin

another saturday at the office.

i like working when no ones here. i get more done. but i hate wasting a perfectly beautiful day. and i'm sure craig would appreciate if i spent a like more time cleaning house since its been neglected for months now. tis my life...

this week was MUCH better than last. except i gave up sweets for lent and thats kind of killing me since i ate SO many before i gave them up. its become more of a personal challenge now. can i really go 40 days without chocolate? i think so because im not counting drinks (chocolate milk!). just candy and desserts and pie and ice cream and such. its hard to not just grab a cookie if i want one though. especially during girl scout season...but thats what got me here.

i've started the dr thing back up. before dad got sick i went to my dr who recommended me to an endocrinologist to figure out why i have such a hard time loosing weight. sweet tooth aside, i eat better than most people i know. we eat a lot, which adds extra calories, but i try to be sensible about what i get. and don't usually clean my plate or anything. and the doctors agree it doesnt appear to be my eating habits holding my back. at home it's nothing but whole wheat this, sugar free that, low sodium this, fat free that. whole foods and organic meats and veggies when sensible. we dont buy snacks or sodas or chips or junk food unless we're having people over for a party so we don't even have that temptation.

its frustrating to me because i eat better than i've EVER eaten in my life. i know about portions and balancing my meals. i know how to eat healthy and most of my choices are healthy. but i weigh more now than i EVER have. ever. and frankly, it pisses me off. in high school, a typical lunch for me was a bag of chili cheese fritos, 2 grandmothers chocolate chip cookies and a dr. pepper from a vending machine. and when i moved to shreveport, we used to go straight from school to mc donalds where id eat a cesar salad shaker, a large fry, and a soda BEFORE DINNER. now, ive never been skinny by any stretch of the imagination, and i know i never will be. my mom and grandmother both had weight problems. my cousins are built similarly to me. we're just big boned, ok! but i think about all the health problems my mom has right now. knee surgeries and hurnias and i DO NOT want to go through that. plus with dad getting cancer, and both my grandmothers having cancer, i know i need to take good care of myself. but it shouldn't be this hard!i shouldn't gain weight and eat the way that i eat.

granted, i know i'm missing the exercise piece. i know that's part of it. but the 30 min, 3 times a week thing didn't really do anything for me. and i weigh so much that exercising makes me miserable. there is nothing fun about working out to me. nothing. i don't feel better after i do it, i feel worse. it doesn't seem to ever get easier for me. i took dance all last year and the last class was just as tolling on me as the first and i didn't help me lose a single pound. i don't eat like a vegan or a health nut, but i don't eat bad enough to be my size either.

so insert dr here.

they're running tests on me to check my hormones and thyroid and all kinds of other stuff i don't understand so hopefully we can get some answers. losing weight is hard. but it shouldn't be this hard. i shouldnt have to eat nothing but vegetables and fruit for the rest of my life. normal people eat bread. im hoping for answers because i dont have 6 hours a day to spend in the gym like the fat people on tv.

and that's another thing that pisses me off. craig and i were watching a show, i think it was called heavy, on A & E. there was this woman on there who i felt like i could connect to. she was one of those cute fat girls. pretty face, just chubby. i was like, alright, someone like me! then they start telling her story...this girl seriously hides food in her closet. at home she would go in her closet and eat while her husband was watching tv and he'd think she was cleaning but she'd really be eating. then she showed a typical meal for her and it was fast food (a big no no for dinner in our house)and she had arbys: fries and potato cakes and egg rolls and a big soda and a sandwich covered in cheese. i would never eat a meal like that! and they went grocery shopping and she picked up a big package of reeses cups that had like 6 or 8 of the double packs in it. she said she would typically eat like 4, then finish off the package later. and she would eat a whole bag of cheetos in one sitting (not a snack bag either). and the kicker...she weighs less than i do! its frustrating to me to watch people who CLEARLY have problems, eat everything in sight but i dont and im heavier than they are. very very frustrating.

and then theres the "s" word. my mom did it. and boy did i judge her for that. i thought she was taking the easy way out. she wasn't willing to do the work. she wasn't willing to learn how to eat right. she just wanted a quick fix. and that's as much my voice as i think it is her reasoning. she was overweight my whole life so now she really does have problems. her thyroid doesnt work at all anymore. she aches and hurts all the time. plus now that she's had the surgery she doesn't get all the vitamins and nutrients her body needs because she's not feeding it right. part of me hates the doctors for letting her go through that without making her learn how to cook for herself and eat healthy balanced meals before they did it. but part of it's just her choosing to turn a blind eye to anything hard. she wants to drink 2 liters of diet coke a day and nothing i say can change that. since then, ive become less judgmental of it for other people, but ive never ever considered it would be an option for me. thats fine for you, but i wouldn't do it.

but then theres a small voice in the back of my head saying, if you could just get it off, it would be easy to maintain. you KNOW how to eat well. and without the excess weight, maybe you'll really like working out. there could be a runner buried in there. i wouldn't know because when i was smaller, i didn't know any better. i thought you were supposed to put 2 cups of sugar in your kool aid. but i do now. but the majority of my brain thinks that voice is CRAZY.

but what if it comes to that? i dont want to do any more long term damage. i want to have children one day. can i even get pregnant at this weight? i dont want to need new knees or hips or ankles. but i can't quit my job and move into the gym. eating healthy, balanced meals isn't enough. what if the dr can't find out why my body is gathering fat like it will never eat again? what if my only options are starve myself and sleep next to the elliptical or have surgery? that terrifies me. i just want them to find out whats wrong.

well, that discussion went a lot further than i planned. i actually planned on writing about something totally different, haha. maybe next time!

however, i'll leave you with a few paintball pictures as promised. i only lasted 2 rounds. only shot the gun once. my boss wanted to go to some sniper range in the middle of the woods first. so after the hike and the tromping through the woods, i was pretty much done. i coudln't breathe. i would have rather started on an easier course (something flat, with less rocks and sticks perhaps). ill give it another try, but i need to start small.

my future's so bright, i've got to wear shades!

i know, i know, im neglecting this.

and i shouldn't because i have a lot on my mind and not many people to talk to.

i realized this week how calloused i've become. things that should bother me, don't. people who are being hurtful, don't hurt. i don't feel much of anything really. i have my defenses up to keep myself from being hurt, being mad, being upset. it is what it is and life goes on. i have developed a real trust issue. if you don't trust people, it doesn't bother you when they let you down. i know that totally not healthy but i don't care enough to deal with it right now. so for now, life keeps on going.

and my how crazy life has been lately. lots of highs. lots of good things going on to look forward to. all tainted by the crappy stuff i mentioned above, of course, but it's the good stuff i choose to focus on. life just feels really fast right now. each day is over quicker than i realize. i love the fast pace, but its starting to wear me down. im needing a bit of time to recharge. a little escape from reality. sand and sun and a drink with an umbrella in it sounds just about right...:)but there's so much going on right now! and it's all bringing me closer to where i want to be and that's all that matters. life is hard and i know if you want something you've never had, you have to work hard to get there!

everyone always wants to know how craig and i are. the answer is great. he loves me and supports me and i couldn't ask for anything better. we talk a lot about the future. we've been together officially 3 years now. nothing official happening, but i bought a wedding planning book and he didn't freak out about it, haha.

yesterday was a rough day for me. it's been a tough week and i was running out of energy and fight. and thursday i was offered tickets to a hockey game for friday. the more i thought about it, the more anxiety i felt about it. by the time i got off work friday just thinking about the game made me cry on the way home. so when i got home, i told craig i didn't know if i was up to going. while i decompressed (fell asleep) on the couch, craig got up and cooked dinner for us. he takes good care of me. he's the one part of my life i never worry about, never question. i love him more than i can express.

oh the hockey game. what a challenge that was. you see, it was dad who talked me into going to my first game. actually, i ran out of excuses and felt bad for always telling him no so i gave in. and i was so glad i did! it was so much fun! dad and i started going together to every game after that. just me and him most of the time. kyle would come sometimes, but it was always dad and i for sure. i never would have gone or cared about them if it wasn't for dad. right after he died they had a game for cancer awareness (the day before his funeral actually) that kyle and i talked about going to but we decided to go see our family instead. i havent made much of an effort to go since, but we've talked about it a few times. faced with the reality of it after such a hard week was a little too much for me though. dealing with dads death isn't really hard for me anymore, but i didn't have enough strength this week to. thursday and friday were both tough days for me. one of those times where i miss him so much i just ache. i've since slept better so i feel better but sometimes it's just hard.

i think it started brewing monday. i had to get new tires on my car and cars were always dad's thing. it killed me to not be able to call and ask him what he thought was wrong with my tires (i only had 23K on my car and one tire was bald but the others were all ok). i hated having to solely rely on the dealership and their opinion. i never thought i'd have to deal with anything car related without dad. so maybe that was eating at my subconscious still...

there's just no feeling like missing someone you'll never see again.

but next week is exciting! we're launching testing for an app we've developed at work that will hopefully make everyones life a little easier. gotta love new toys! and speaking of new toys, i'm getting a new phone tuesday. no more taking they battery out to end calls! yay! then saturday i'm going to paint this cool peacock picture at painting with a twist. can't wait to do that one!

this sunday will be...interesting. my company is sponsoring a paintball trip team building thing. i have less than zero desire to be shot at or to shoot other people. i asked craig how much fun he thinks it will be sunday night when i'm whining about being covered in welts and bruises. he thinks i'm psyching myself out but i think i'm being realistic. there is absolutely nothing that i think is fun that entails anyone getting hurt. not to mention, i dont have any clothes appropriate for rolling around in the woods AND getting shot at. girl clothes are thin. even my jeans are thin. but, because this is how i like to prepare for events, i bought a new outfit! haha. i've decided to play the part of country chic. i bought a camo hat and a camo long sleeve shirt. craig bought one too. i told him we'd take a picture and it will be our christmas card picture this year! my hat has a pink "r" on it for remington since they make my favorite ammo. the back says "shoot like a girl". craig says i do. haha. my outfit makes him laugh. he never thought id wear anything like this. i told him it's a costume. i love playing dress up! now i just have to figure out the pants thing...i suggested my snow pants (they're thick and waterproof!) and craig thinks i'm being ridiculous. easy for a man in carharts to say! guess we're going shopping tonight!

well, i think i've rambled enough. i'll let you know how paintball goes (and post some pics!).

blue christmas

i know i haven't written since thanksgiving. partly because i don't have anything interesting to talk about, partly because i've been so busy.

mom's birthday was at the beginning of december, which required a trip to texas to see her. plus we went over for "thanksgiving" the weekend before. after that i was off to San Diego for the 2010 ECCU Conference. i received my AHA instructor update and got to talk about En-Pro a lot. the talking about En-Pro part was really fun. the rest of it was miserable. i was sick most of the time and it was nonstop go go go and i still had office work to take care of and it was a lot to deal with. but i loved being able to represent our company and meet new instructors. I love my job, but it's frustrating to not be able to do it effectively.

once I got back from San Diego it was off the the much anticipated Christmas in the Sky. Christmas in the Sky is a huge fundraiser for the arts in Shreveport. It's so big they only do it every two years. This year was Beatles themed and i LOVE LOVE LOVE the Beatles so i just HAD to go. it was awesome! there was a ton of people there so Craig was kind of uncomfortable, but I loved being surrounded by all the Beatle-ness.

the next weekend was my company's Christmas party. two of my best friends have come on board with us this year, and one brought one of my other best friends as his date so it was a great night with great food and great company. i look forward to our Christmas party every year.

and then it was time for Christmas.

Christmas has been tough.

Thanksgiving didn't really bother me, with the exception of my blog post the night before. it kind of got to me then, but that was about it. i think i dealt with it pretty well. Christmas has been hard all month. i haven't been myself. i've not been in the Christmas spirit at all. we plugged in our outside lights once. our tree was only plugged in a handful of times. i didn't bake a single cookie. i waited until the last minute to plan our meal, to buy groceries, to buy presents, to wrap presents. i didn't even make or send Christmas cards this year. i did a super simple meal. i didn't even make a pie. it was so hard to not have dad here. it was so hard to not buy a gift for dad. it's like, in all the planning of Christmas i was constantly reminded that he wasn't there. and for the most part, i did ok. i teared up a few times last week when people would ask how i was doing. that's when i had to admit to myself that i was having a hard time accepting it. on Christmas eve craig and i stayed up much too late and i watched the clock roll over to midnight. Christmas day. i certainly didn't feel merry. when we went to bed i had a hard time falling asleep. i finally couldn't hold back the tears. craig realized i was crying and tried to comfort me. as nice as anyone can be, they're not my dad. the cry was a long time coming.

Christmas day was fine. i wasn't merry, but i didn't cry. i received everything i could have ever wanted. my brother especially spoiled me. it just wasn't the same.

sunday i made plans to see one of my friends while they were in town. i hadn't been to the cometary since the funeral and felt like i really needed to. i decided to go to the cometary on sunday before we met up.

it took me a little while to find the right place but when i did, dad's marker jumped out at me and i began sobbing again. what a moment of reality. and i was a little pissed that they didn't tell me it was there. there's a big process of picking, proofing and making the marker we had to go though. i hadn't heard anything since i approved the proof so i was really surprised to see it. it was covered in dirt so i wiped it all off to get a better look.



someone's put fresh flowers on his mom and grandmother's grave, but he didn't have any. i don't know who's putting flowers out for them, but no one from that side of the family went to the funeral so i don't know if they even know dad died. i was told there was a temporary marker before the permanent one went up so i'm guessing they know now. i meant to bring flowers from the artificial arrangement my aunt sent but i forgot them. i forgot a lot of things i meant to do.

after lunch i got some flowers for him and went back on my way out of town.



it was much easier to be there the second time. not so shocking i guess.

when my grandmothers died, i used to talk to them. much like i prayed. not usually out loud. just in my head. i felt like they could hear me. i wanted them to know i missed them. until Christmas eve, i couldn't talk to dad. it was like i couldn't believe he could hear it because that would mean he had "crossed over". i'm sure this makes me sound super crazy, but i feel like it means i'm moving forward with the healing process. it was too much to accept all at once so i've had to do it in pieces. i can tell dad i miss him now. it's a big step for me.

so this year, since i didnt make christmas cards, i think i'm going with new years cards. be looking for those :) it's time to start a new chapter. time to close the hardest chapter i ever thought i'd have to write. i'm welcoming the new and whatever adventures this year brings. 2010 was hard. i'm ready to welcome something new.

thanksgiving

i can't believe it's thanksgiving already. the days just fly by.

it's been non stop since i went back to work. there's so much going on. i feel like i could work 12 hours a day and still never catch up. the company is ever changing and evolving so there's always some new project to work on. plus i hired a new person so i've been training them. and last week i got permission to have my friend justin come work for me temporarily. he just passed the bar but has had trouble finding a job and i needed help so he came in from dallas to stay with us and work for a bit. it seems that what started as temporary will be turning permanent soon though. im super grateful to have him on my team. and i'm thankful i have a job that keeps me busy. i'm thankful that in a recession, we still have tons of work. and i'm thankful for my boss who has been a huge blessing in my life for the past three years.

i expected thanksgiving to be hard. it's our first holiday without dad. until tonight, it really hadn't been. in fact, it didn't feel any different than normal and i've honestly been so busy i havent thought a whole lot about the day at all. i remember stopping for a second today and thinking, oh my gosh, thanksgiving is tomorrow! but now that i'm home...and it's quiet...and a box of my dad's clothes sits in my dining room...and i just so happened to receive dad's death certificate today (talk about a surreal moment)...and i look at the stack of thank you cards on my bar that i STILL haven't mailed out even though they've been addressed for weeks...and it's starting to hit me.

i don't think to call him quite as much anymore. there still isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about him though. that i don't miss him. a lot. it's this achy feeling. i look at pictures and can't believe he isn't here anymore. i honestly thought this could be his last thanksgiving. when he was diagnosed, i never dreamed he wouldn't make it this long. obviously, i had to face realty at the end of september and knew he wouldn't, but that really bad time is becoming fuzzier to me. thankfully. i remember being so frustrated while dad was sick. each day felt like an eternity to me. and i look back now and think, wow the time went so fast. 3 short weeks. not even two months from the time he was diagnosed until the time he died. i think about last thanksgiving and the fact that dad had this horrible disease that caused his body to turn on him and we had no idea. and i'm glad. because last thanksgiving, life was normal. we weren't worried about how precious time was. we weren't worried about what tomorrow held. we ate well and we enjoyed each other's company and we watched some football. we had no idea what this thanksgiving would be like and it didn't matter. we enjoyed that day for what it was.

i feel like my blog has kind of turned into an all about dad journal. this is about the only time i talk about it though. life goes on, 100 MPH, and i don't really sit still long enough to talk about it. but it's always there with me, in the back of my mind. anytime life quiets enough, mostly on my drive home, or other moments when i find myself not at work and by myself, it's always the first thing that pops into my mind. so i'm sorry if it seems like i'm dwelling, but it's still very real to me. it feels very new. i feel like im always entering different phases of "dealing with it" but im still dealing with it, even if i don't talk about it.

so yes, i have MUCH to be thankful for, but right now, i'm feeling a lot like something's missing. or rather, someone. and at 11:30 at night, the night before thanksgiving, that's what i'm thinking about. the one who's not here.

we're just like you...only prettier

i sort of accidentally happened upon politics. during college i would consider myself largely apathetic. and i'm still not exactly a political activist or anything. when i was old enough to vote, i registered as a republican because i thought i was supposed to. i mean, i was southern, i was christian, and i was pretty sure my parents were republican. i didn't exactly come from a politically interested family either so i just went with it. i voted once because a classmate's dad was running for school board. thus ended my political stint.

in college however, all the cool kids were democrat. it felt so rebellious to be democrat. i wasn't quite ready to cross over to the dark side yet, but i did drop the republican affiliation. i didn't vote. i didn't complain. i just watched.

i decided that political parties in general were ridiculous and i still don't understand what purpose they serve other than to divide people for no good reason. its like race. what the hell does it matter? no democrat believes the same as another democrat, no republican believes the same as another republican, no white person is the same as another person, no black person is the same as another black person. why do we have to lump everything we are and everything we believe into a single label? people are people. period. why can't we evaluate a candidate based on their campaign and not just label them?

as many of you know, one of my dear friends is running for mayor of shreveport. his brother is my boss and that puts me in the middle of campaign headquarters. me. the non voter. the politically apathetic. but in my 3 years here, i've come to know Bryan as a person, as a city councilman, and as a friend. i got to see the city from "the other side." it was fascinating! and i can't even vote for him because i don't live in shreveport anymore, but he's a good, honest man who really cares about this town and about the people in it. i believe he can revitalize this city and im pulling for him as hard as i can!

and then i met craig. craig cares A LOT. he gets really bent out of shape about the government and economics and the country in general. and while i'm not nearly as passionate about it as he is, i care about things that he cares about. so two years, i took an objective look at the two presidential candidates and chose as i call it, the lesser of two evils. i know more about the country and the city than i ever dreamed i would. i care more than i ever dreamed i would. i dont like the way the country is now. i don't approve of a lot of the change that has happened and i absolutely don't trust our current president (but i dont think he is a lot of the things people say about him either). so today, i voted.

im neither liberal or conservative. i'm neither republican nor democrat. i dont think i fit in anywhere and that's ok. i'm a little from column A, B, C & D. party voting disgusts me. following someone blindly disgusts me. close mindedness disgusts me. but i believe we live in a great country. i think it's time to reevaluate a lot of things going on right now, and the political parties are one of them. i just wish people would listen to what candidates are really saying and not what they (or someone else) wants them to hear.

November

I can't believe it's November. Of course, there are a lot of things I have a hard time believing right now.

Routine has set back in and my life is settling down. I can do "normal" things like work and go grocery shopping and cook dinner. Routine is comforting. Work is like my security blanket. Things are predictably unpredictable here. I know what to do. I can change things. I can help situations. I have control over my day and the things in it. It's comforting.

I can go days at a time without crying, but my heart is still broken. I've received a card almost every day from someone and I really appreciate them. I've trying to put together some sort of memorial keepsake box to keep all the stuff from the funeral and all my cards and the obituaries and such in. Kyle and I are ok. Trying to spend as much time as we can together. I used to have lunch with dad every Tuesday and dinner with him every Thursday until he couldn't really afford it anymore and was too depressed to really want to. Kyle and I have started Thursday night dinners back up. I'm so glad we grew closer through all of this.

I still have moments when I think "I haven't talked to dad in a while I should call him" or "I should call dad and tell him about...". I used to tell him everything. Last night I admitted that to Craig after we ran out of candy. I thought, "I should call dad and tell him about my trick or treaters." As soon as I think it, I know I can't. I can't help it though. I told Craig that I keep thinking of things to call and tell dad and saying it out loud was enough to make me cry. He hugged me and told me I could tell him things and I said I know I can, but you were here, I don't have to tell you about the trick or treaters.

I had dad's phone cut off today. That was hard. He's had that phone number for like, 10 years. I know it. I don't know many people's numbers (thank you technology). I know his, Craigs (which took me a while but now its only one number different from mine), Ryan (my boss), and I just barely learned my brothers since dad got sick. No one has called his phone since before the funeral so I didn't see the sense in keeping it on any longer. It's just really hard to cut those ties. It's like with every little thing, I have to admit that my dad is gone again and I have to realize it all over again.

But other than that, life goes on and everything's normal. Craig and I are great. Work is going well. The dogs are happy. We're all ok.

I thought dad's funeral service went really well. Dr. Cox did a great job on his memorial. He made us remember the good times, which is what I wanted. I wanted it to be a celebration of his life and I think it was. For those of you who missed it, I had my friend Justin make us a memorial video for the service. Here's a link to it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDi1bOIFIZg

I'm so thankful for all the love and support and prayers and hugs and cards and I know I say that on like, every post, but I am. I know I'm not good about saying it when it happens and I want you all to know I'm still taking it all in. I'm really thankful for the kindness everyone has showed to us. It's very easy to count my blessings :)

wish you were here

my dad loved music. loved it. while trying to arrange his funeral services kyle and i had so many ideas for songs he loved that i've decided to make a CD of "brannon" songs for people who would like them. so many songs and artists remind me of my dad. the beatles. the eagles. the doors. jerry jeff walker. crosby, stills, nash & young. the marshall tucker band. on and on. im having a hard time cutting our edited song list down to one CD worth of music. thinking of just making it two anyway.

they're songs to remember by. i can see him singing them. some of the make me smile. sometimes it hurts to think that i'll never hear him sing again. he could feel music. i'd give anything to watch him drive down the road singing his heart out or sit at his bar with him, drinking a beer and singing like he was the only one in the room.

everything is easier for me. its easier to make funeral arrangements. easier to look at pictures. its still really hard to accept though. he's been such a big part of my life. its so unbelievable that he's just gone. that's what i'm still having a hard time with. there are stories i can't remember correctly that i think, i'll have to ask dad...but i can't. he was so smart and he knew so much. i loved listening to him talk or tell stories. i wish i had recorded every one of them.

i started crying in the car the other day because a toby keith song came on and a line says something about calling their voicemail because he had to hear their voice one more time and i realized i can't do that. dad never recorded a voicemail on his cell phone. i would give anything to hear his voice again. his healthy voice, not the sick whisper he had in the end.

i'm so glad he's not sick or hurting anymore. i know it embarrassed him for us to have to take care of him. he told me he was the daddy and it was his job to take care of us. i'm glad he's with his mom and his grandma again, i know he loved them a lot. i just wish he was here and healed and with me.

kyle and i picked out his grave marker earlier in the week. through the whole memorial process we've battled with finding things that were "him". he wasn't very religious. so much stuff is so cheesy and not "him". when we picked out the marker they gave us a book of "phrases" to help us think of something because we thought "beloved father" was too cheesy. he never said "beloved". we dont say "beloved". so many things in the books were just as cheesy. i liked a few, kyle liked a few, but then we found one that both of us immediately knew was so him. "to know him was to love him." it seemed so obvious after we found it. everyone who knew dad, loved him. i mean, the hospice director cried when he realized it was dad he was visiting (he looked so different). the person who came from the funeral home when he died cried because he knew dad. he said it took him 10 min to put himself together before he came over when he got the call. what a testament. dad was so kind to people. he was as i like to say, a good ole boy. a simple man, as the song says. kyle and i can't think of a single enemy he would have had. he would do anything for us, i know that. he did. he put me through an expensive college. there was nothing i asked him for that i didn't get. he loved us so much.

in the last week or two of his life, he told me something that really struck me the first time he said it. i told him "i love you" and he said "i love you too...forever." i said "forever ever."

i'm so lucky. i had such a good daddy. so many children grow up without fathers. so many people have bad relationships with their fathers or "daddy issues." dad had his weaknesses. loving us wasn't one of them. im so glad i got to spend 26 years with him. i just wish it was longer.