thanksgiving

i can't believe it's thanksgiving already. the days just fly by.

it's been non stop since i went back to work. there's so much going on. i feel like i could work 12 hours a day and still never catch up. the company is ever changing and evolving so there's always some new project to work on. plus i hired a new person so i've been training them. and last week i got permission to have my friend justin come work for me temporarily. he just passed the bar but has had trouble finding a job and i needed help so he came in from dallas to stay with us and work for a bit. it seems that what started as temporary will be turning permanent soon though. im super grateful to have him on my team. and i'm thankful i have a job that keeps me busy. i'm thankful that in a recession, we still have tons of work. and i'm thankful for my boss who has been a huge blessing in my life for the past three years.

i expected thanksgiving to be hard. it's our first holiday without dad. until tonight, it really hadn't been. in fact, it didn't feel any different than normal and i've honestly been so busy i havent thought a whole lot about the day at all. i remember stopping for a second today and thinking, oh my gosh, thanksgiving is tomorrow! but now that i'm home...and it's quiet...and a box of my dad's clothes sits in my dining room...and i just so happened to receive dad's death certificate today (talk about a surreal moment)...and i look at the stack of thank you cards on my bar that i STILL haven't mailed out even though they've been addressed for weeks...and it's starting to hit me.

i don't think to call him quite as much anymore. there still isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about him though. that i don't miss him. a lot. it's this achy feeling. i look at pictures and can't believe he isn't here anymore. i honestly thought this could be his last thanksgiving. when he was diagnosed, i never dreamed he wouldn't make it this long. obviously, i had to face realty at the end of september and knew he wouldn't, but that really bad time is becoming fuzzier to me. thankfully. i remember being so frustrated while dad was sick. each day felt like an eternity to me. and i look back now and think, wow the time went so fast. 3 short weeks. not even two months from the time he was diagnosed until the time he died. i think about last thanksgiving and the fact that dad had this horrible disease that caused his body to turn on him and we had no idea. and i'm glad. because last thanksgiving, life was normal. we weren't worried about how precious time was. we weren't worried about what tomorrow held. we ate well and we enjoyed each other's company and we watched some football. we had no idea what this thanksgiving would be like and it didn't matter. we enjoyed that day for what it was.

i feel like my blog has kind of turned into an all about dad journal. this is about the only time i talk about it though. life goes on, 100 MPH, and i don't really sit still long enough to talk about it. but it's always there with me, in the back of my mind. anytime life quiets enough, mostly on my drive home, or other moments when i find myself not at work and by myself, it's always the first thing that pops into my mind. so i'm sorry if it seems like i'm dwelling, but it's still very real to me. it feels very new. i feel like im always entering different phases of "dealing with it" but im still dealing with it, even if i don't talk about it.

so yes, i have MUCH to be thankful for, but right now, i'm feeling a lot like something's missing. or rather, someone. and at 11:30 at night, the night before thanksgiving, that's what i'm thinking about. the one who's not here.

we're just like you...only prettier

i sort of accidentally happened upon politics. during college i would consider myself largely apathetic. and i'm still not exactly a political activist or anything. when i was old enough to vote, i registered as a republican because i thought i was supposed to. i mean, i was southern, i was christian, and i was pretty sure my parents were republican. i didn't exactly come from a politically interested family either so i just went with it. i voted once because a classmate's dad was running for school board. thus ended my political stint.

in college however, all the cool kids were democrat. it felt so rebellious to be democrat. i wasn't quite ready to cross over to the dark side yet, but i did drop the republican affiliation. i didn't vote. i didn't complain. i just watched.

i decided that political parties in general were ridiculous and i still don't understand what purpose they serve other than to divide people for no good reason. its like race. what the hell does it matter? no democrat believes the same as another democrat, no republican believes the same as another republican, no white person is the same as another person, no black person is the same as another black person. why do we have to lump everything we are and everything we believe into a single label? people are people. period. why can't we evaluate a candidate based on their campaign and not just label them?

as many of you know, one of my dear friends is running for mayor of shreveport. his brother is my boss and that puts me in the middle of campaign headquarters. me. the non voter. the politically apathetic. but in my 3 years here, i've come to know Bryan as a person, as a city councilman, and as a friend. i got to see the city from "the other side." it was fascinating! and i can't even vote for him because i don't live in shreveport anymore, but he's a good, honest man who really cares about this town and about the people in it. i believe he can revitalize this city and im pulling for him as hard as i can!

and then i met craig. craig cares A LOT. he gets really bent out of shape about the government and economics and the country in general. and while i'm not nearly as passionate about it as he is, i care about things that he cares about. so two years, i took an objective look at the two presidential candidates and chose as i call it, the lesser of two evils. i know more about the country and the city than i ever dreamed i would. i care more than i ever dreamed i would. i dont like the way the country is now. i don't approve of a lot of the change that has happened and i absolutely don't trust our current president (but i dont think he is a lot of the things people say about him either). so today, i voted.

im neither liberal or conservative. i'm neither republican nor democrat. i dont think i fit in anywhere and that's ok. i'm a little from column A, B, C & D. party voting disgusts me. following someone blindly disgusts me. close mindedness disgusts me. but i believe we live in a great country. i think it's time to reevaluate a lot of things going on right now, and the political parties are one of them. i just wish people would listen to what candidates are really saying and not what they (or someone else) wants them to hear.

November

I can't believe it's November. Of course, there are a lot of things I have a hard time believing right now.

Routine has set back in and my life is settling down. I can do "normal" things like work and go grocery shopping and cook dinner. Routine is comforting. Work is like my security blanket. Things are predictably unpredictable here. I know what to do. I can change things. I can help situations. I have control over my day and the things in it. It's comforting.

I can go days at a time without crying, but my heart is still broken. I've received a card almost every day from someone and I really appreciate them. I've trying to put together some sort of memorial keepsake box to keep all the stuff from the funeral and all my cards and the obituaries and such in. Kyle and I are ok. Trying to spend as much time as we can together. I used to have lunch with dad every Tuesday and dinner with him every Thursday until he couldn't really afford it anymore and was too depressed to really want to. Kyle and I have started Thursday night dinners back up. I'm so glad we grew closer through all of this.

I still have moments when I think "I haven't talked to dad in a while I should call him" or "I should call dad and tell him about...". I used to tell him everything. Last night I admitted that to Craig after we ran out of candy. I thought, "I should call dad and tell him about my trick or treaters." As soon as I think it, I know I can't. I can't help it though. I told Craig that I keep thinking of things to call and tell dad and saying it out loud was enough to make me cry. He hugged me and told me I could tell him things and I said I know I can, but you were here, I don't have to tell you about the trick or treaters.

I had dad's phone cut off today. That was hard. He's had that phone number for like, 10 years. I know it. I don't know many people's numbers (thank you technology). I know his, Craigs (which took me a while but now its only one number different from mine), Ryan (my boss), and I just barely learned my brothers since dad got sick. No one has called his phone since before the funeral so I didn't see the sense in keeping it on any longer. It's just really hard to cut those ties. It's like with every little thing, I have to admit that my dad is gone again and I have to realize it all over again.

But other than that, life goes on and everything's normal. Craig and I are great. Work is going well. The dogs are happy. We're all ok.

I thought dad's funeral service went really well. Dr. Cox did a great job on his memorial. He made us remember the good times, which is what I wanted. I wanted it to be a celebration of his life and I think it was. For those of you who missed it, I had my friend Justin make us a memorial video for the service. Here's a link to it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDi1bOIFIZg

I'm so thankful for all the love and support and prayers and hugs and cards and I know I say that on like, every post, but I am. I know I'm not good about saying it when it happens and I want you all to know I'm still taking it all in. I'm really thankful for the kindness everyone has showed to us. It's very easy to count my blessings :)

wish you were here

my dad loved music. loved it. while trying to arrange his funeral services kyle and i had so many ideas for songs he loved that i've decided to make a CD of "brannon" songs for people who would like them. so many songs and artists remind me of my dad. the beatles. the eagles. the doors. jerry jeff walker. crosby, stills, nash & young. the marshall tucker band. on and on. im having a hard time cutting our edited song list down to one CD worth of music. thinking of just making it two anyway.

they're songs to remember by. i can see him singing them. some of the make me smile. sometimes it hurts to think that i'll never hear him sing again. he could feel music. i'd give anything to watch him drive down the road singing his heart out or sit at his bar with him, drinking a beer and singing like he was the only one in the room.

everything is easier for me. its easier to make funeral arrangements. easier to look at pictures. its still really hard to accept though. he's been such a big part of my life. its so unbelievable that he's just gone. that's what i'm still having a hard time with. there are stories i can't remember correctly that i think, i'll have to ask dad...but i can't. he was so smart and he knew so much. i loved listening to him talk or tell stories. i wish i had recorded every one of them.

i started crying in the car the other day because a toby keith song came on and a line says something about calling their voicemail because he had to hear their voice one more time and i realized i can't do that. dad never recorded a voicemail on his cell phone. i would give anything to hear his voice again. his healthy voice, not the sick whisper he had in the end.

i'm so glad he's not sick or hurting anymore. i know it embarrassed him for us to have to take care of him. he told me he was the daddy and it was his job to take care of us. i'm glad he's with his mom and his grandma again, i know he loved them a lot. i just wish he was here and healed and with me.

kyle and i picked out his grave marker earlier in the week. through the whole memorial process we've battled with finding things that were "him". he wasn't very religious. so much stuff is so cheesy and not "him". when we picked out the marker they gave us a book of "phrases" to help us think of something because we thought "beloved father" was too cheesy. he never said "beloved". we dont say "beloved". so many things in the books were just as cheesy. i liked a few, kyle liked a few, but then we found one that both of us immediately knew was so him. "to know him was to love him." it seemed so obvious after we found it. everyone who knew dad, loved him. i mean, the hospice director cried when he realized it was dad he was visiting (he looked so different). the person who came from the funeral home when he died cried because he knew dad. he said it took him 10 min to put himself together before he came over when he got the call. what a testament. dad was so kind to people. he was as i like to say, a good ole boy. a simple man, as the song says. kyle and i can't think of a single enemy he would have had. he would do anything for us, i know that. he did. he put me through an expensive college. there was nothing i asked him for that i didn't get. he loved us so much.

in the last week or two of his life, he told me something that really struck me the first time he said it. i told him "i love you" and he said "i love you too...forever." i said "forever ever."

i'm so lucky. i had such a good daddy. so many children grow up without fathers. so many people have bad relationships with their fathers or "daddy issues." dad had his weaknesses. loving us wasn't one of them. im so glad i got to spend 26 years with him. i just wish it was longer.

where is the good in goodbye?

how am i?

numb. shocked. in disbelief. brokenhearted. a combination of all the preceding.

i had just woken up on sunday when my brother's girlfriend called me. she said i needed to get over there right now. i started hyperventilating. i called craig who was at work. i was so hysterical he could barely understand me. it was so hard to breathe. i thought there was no way she could be right. he's just sleeping. they just need to wake him up. its not true. it can't be true.

when i got to their house my brother was on the front porch crying. i ran to hold him. he told me, i didn't listen to her. she told me not to go in there but i did. he told me not to go in there. i didnt. i couldnt. even as i think about it now it takes my breath away.

the day before was the benefit for dad. when i got there my brother and uncle were leaving dad's room. my uncle had tears in his eyes. kyle was visibly distraught. he told me dad wouldn't talk to anyone all day. i had so much to do, i couldn't have a melt down right now. i didn't see dad at all saturday. its bittersweet. i'm glad i dont have any memory of him being so bad. i'm sad i didn't see him alive one last time.

there are just some memories you don't need. i've had to watch dad suffer for so long. i didn't need another sickly image of him in my head. i've seen him sick for so long that the pictures of him don't look like him to me. all these healthy images look so weird to me. i don't want to remember him sick. i don't want anyone else to either. i don't want this disease to define him. he's so much more than that.

i couldnt bring myself to see him on sunday either. it kept the flood of emotions at bay. there was still a piece of my brain that didn't think it was true, as crazy as that sounds. i hadn't seen for myself so i couldn't be sure. don't get me wrong. i knew. i remember looking around his empty room. it looked so strange for him to not be there. but it wasn't real. it wasn't real to me until yesterday.

yesterday we went to the funeral home to finalize the arrangements. before we left, they got the casket ready and let us see everything. then, it was real. he's gone. he's really gone. i'll never hold his hand, or give him a kiss again. ill never hear his laugh or listen to his stories. its amazing to me what the human mind does to protect itself from harm. even looking at him laying there my brain says, cant they fill it back up with something and bring him back? this isn't right. i needed to look. i had to keep reminding myself this is real. he is gone. he's really gone.

it's hard to talk about my dad in past tense right now. it's too fresh and too new. reality still hits me in waves. more often now that i've seen for myself. i put on my brave face to deal with all the business stuff. craig has been so good about keeping my spirits up. making sure i remember to laugh when i can and holding me when i cry. and most of the time, im ok. maybe numb is a better word.

there will be an online obituary up sometime today. the shreveport, marshall and longview papers will all run one thursday. services are saturday afternoon.

we elected to not do an organized visitation. kyle and i need some space. we both start to feel smothered when there's too many people around. i hit a wall sunday and had to go home to be by myself. its hard for me to deal with other people who are really upset because i naturally want to comfort them but im hurting too. we think it would be best to let people grieve and say goodbye as they'd like to on their own time. anyone who wants to see us can see us at the service, but the funeral home is open from 8-5 M-F and anyone who wants to see him and say goodbye can go by anytime they like.

on a lighter note, for those of you wondering about flowers or anything, you might want to keep in mind kyle and i aren't so good with the whole, house plant thing. i'll try, but for some reason i just don't have those skills. dad's favorite color is blue, but there aren't many blue flowers and the flower shop we went to yesterday said she coudln't get any bluebonnets. my favorite flower is a sunflower. kyle and i both like the idea of yellow roses (for texas).

as always, i'm so thankful for the love and support we've received. so thankful. when i'm alone and thinking i feel loved. it's just so hard to breathe sometimes from all the emotions of everything that i need space. space to breath. space to think. space to grieve. then the wave of emotion calms and i can feel everyone's love again. im grateful. i'm grateful dad touched so many lives. i'm grateful so many people care about us. we're going to be ok.

so that's how i'm doing...

under pressure

i get so overwhelmed sometimes i could just cry. and sometimes i do. its just so much sometimes.

dad's not doing well. hes really weak. barely talks. barely drinks. mostly sleeps. its really hard to watch. its painful now to think of the good times. when he was healthy and happy. i miss it. i miss him so much. i want to be able to go have lunch with him at georges like we used to. i want him to call me on the phone just because he hasn't talked to me in a few days. i want him to go to the mudbugs opening night tonight so we can watch the game together. but we cant. he can barely tell me when he wants something to drink. he's too young. i'm too young.

dad's pool hall is having a benefit for him tomorrow. when we picked this date, i remember feeling like it was so far away. i knew he'd never make it this long. he's surprised all of us by hanging in here. he doesn't know about the benefit. i know he wouldn't be crazy about it. i'm not crazy about it. it's really hard to take money from people. it's not your fault he doesn't have life insurance or any savings. it's not your fault we're not prepared. it's not your burden. i'm too stubborn and prideful, i know. the straight out donations are the hardest because they're just giving and they don't expect anything. i'm the caretaker. that's my job. at least with the benefit i can cook for people and give them something in return for their money. it makes it easier. it's overwhelming to me when people are so giving. thank you doesn't seem like enough. i'm used to being the giver. givings easy. being there for people is easy. dad was the same way. we like to earn what we receive. and i know the people who have donated are doing so cheerfully and don't expect anything, just like i would have. its just very humbling. gratitude is humbling. i hope this doesn't make me sound like a horrible person. it's hard to be humbled.

well i'll keep this short and sweet. just wanted to check back in because i know i've been distant. its' all just wearing on me.

limbo

im being pulled in so many directions right now. theres something about dad's nurse coming that makes things at work go crazy. as soon as he pulled up today my cell phone started ringing. as soon as i went to the office monday she came and then they were calling me while i was at work. its overwhelming to say the least.

i really miss work. dont get me wrong, its not even a question that my dad needs me and i'm where i'm supposed to be, but it is not in my nature to stay at home all day. i tried taking a summer off before my senior year of college where i didn't work. i went crazy! im a workaholic. if it wasnt for craig, i would work much more than i do. i like it. i miss being in my office and having access to everything so i can really get things done. i feel so handicapped working from home. i dont have any of my old emails or files or anything. all i can work on is new emails and stuff i can access on our website. and i have plenty to do that way, but its not the same. and if i need to find something out its really hard. i like my job and i miss work. you guys wont have any house wife or mothering to look forward to from me.

yesterday i felt horrible. today im still not feeling good, but i feel better after the nyquil and the handful of vitamins this morning. i havent sneezed as much today either. dads starting to sleep more which meant i got some napping done myself. trying to be more productive today to make up for it.

also improving my mood is the newly installed oven and stove at dad's. all there has been is a microwave since ive been here. the kitchen looks like a war zone anyway so i always have food from somewhere else. but i love baking. its peaceful. and i feel productive. and i get to feed people which makes me feel like im taking care of them and doing something good for them that makes them happy. im not a stress eater, im a stress baker. so now, i can bake. there are brownies cooling on top of the stove as we speak. i have lots of things on my "to cook" list, so im excited! and dad perked up when i said i was making some brownies, so yay! getting him to eat can be tricky. he's always loved brownies though. hopefully i can get him to eat one later. he wasnt biting when i offered him some corn or green beans earlier from my lunch.

we had a surprise visit from my grandpa yesterday. i was standing in dad's room at his bed and i saw an older man walk in front of the window through the crack in the curtains. i said, i think grandpas here! dad was like, what?? i walked to the front door and sure enough, he was. he just stayed for a few minutes but he never stays too long. it was good to see him though.

in the past few weeks, one of dad's brothers found me online. ive never met him, but ive heard about him a lot. he found me on facebook and we talk almost every day now. he's mentioned trying to get up here to visit. we laughed after grandpa left about how funny it would have been if grandpa would have visited while billy was here. they haven't spoken in at least 10 years i believe. i havent told grandpa that we speak. as far as he knows, i dont know he exists at all. much mystery on my dad's side of the family (from both his parents). i think its fascinating. recently learned that im probably part sioux indian. billy knows a lot about our family history that i didn't know. weve been trading family pics and stories. ive really enjoyed getting to know him.

ive also got to spend a lot time with my aunt and cousin recently. thats been a lot of fun too. our whole family hasnt been very close since my grandma died. its been great kind of getting to know them all over again and to spend time with them. i have a great family. aunt melinda told dad monday, you've brought the family together and you didn't even realize it. its true. my brother and i are closer. some of my extended family and i are closer. i can't put into words how thankful i am for everyone's love and support.

well, i have a few more projects to tackle while dad's sleeping. better seize the moment!