I can't believe it's November. Of course, there are a lot of things I have a hard time believing right now.
Routine has set back in and my life is settling down. I can do "normal" things like work and go grocery shopping and cook dinner. Routine is comforting. Work is like my security blanket. Things are predictably unpredictable here. I know what to do. I can change things. I can help situations. I have control over my day and the things in it. It's comforting.
I can go days at a time without crying, but my heart is still broken. I've received a card almost every day from someone and I really appreciate them. I've trying to put together some sort of memorial keepsake box to keep all the stuff from the funeral and all my cards and the obituaries and such in. Kyle and I are ok. Trying to spend as much time as we can together. I used to have lunch with dad every Tuesday and dinner with him every Thursday until he couldn't really afford it anymore and was too depressed to really want to. Kyle and I have started Thursday night dinners back up. I'm so glad we grew closer through all of this.
I still have moments when I think "I haven't talked to dad in a while I should call him" or "I should call dad and tell him about...". I used to tell him everything. Last night I admitted that to Craig after we ran out of candy. I thought, "I should call dad and tell him about my trick or treaters." As soon as I think it, I know I can't. I can't help it though. I told Craig that I keep thinking of things to call and tell dad and saying it out loud was enough to make me cry. He hugged me and told me I could tell him things and I said I know I can, but you were here, I don't have to tell you about the trick or treaters.
I had dad's phone cut off today. That was hard. He's had that phone number for like, 10 years. I know it. I don't know many people's numbers (thank you technology). I know his, Craigs (which took me a while but now its only one number different from mine), Ryan (my boss), and I just barely learned my brothers since dad got sick. No one has called his phone since before the funeral so I didn't see the sense in keeping it on any longer. It's just really hard to cut those ties. It's like with every little thing, I have to admit that my dad is gone again and I have to realize it all over again.
But other than that, life goes on and everything's normal. Craig and I are great. Work is going well. The dogs are happy. We're all ok.
I thought dad's funeral service went really well. Dr. Cox did a great job on his memorial. He made us remember the good times, which is what I wanted. I wanted it to be a celebration of his life and I think it was. For those of you who missed it, I had my friend Justin make us a memorial video for the service. Here's a link to it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDi1bOIFIZg
I'm so thankful for all the love and support and prayers and hugs and cards and I know I say that on like, every post, but I am. I know I'm not good about saying it when it happens and I want you all to know I'm still taking it all in. I'm really thankful for the kindness everyone has showed to us. It's very easy to count my blessings :)
Monday, November 1, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
wish you were here
my dad loved music. loved it. while trying to arrange his funeral services kyle and i had so many ideas for songs he loved that i've decided to make a CD of "brannon" songs for people who would like them. so many songs and artists remind me of my dad. the beatles. the eagles. the doors. jerry jeff walker. crosby, stills, nash & young. the marshall tucker band. on and on. im having a hard time cutting our edited song list down to one CD worth of music. thinking of just making it two anyway.
they're songs to remember by. i can see him singing them. some of the make me smile. sometimes it hurts to think that i'll never hear him sing again. he could feel music. i'd give anything to watch him drive down the road singing his heart out or sit at his bar with him, drinking a beer and singing like he was the only one in the room.
everything is easier for me. its easier to make funeral arrangements. easier to look at pictures. its still really hard to accept though. he's been such a big part of my life. its so unbelievable that he's just gone. that's what i'm still having a hard time with. there are stories i can't remember correctly that i think, i'll have to ask dad...but i can't. he was so smart and he knew so much. i loved listening to him talk or tell stories. i wish i had recorded every one of them.
i started crying in the car the other day because a toby keith song came on and a line says something about calling their voicemail because he had to hear their voice one more time and i realized i can't do that. dad never recorded a voicemail on his cell phone. i would give anything to hear his voice again. his healthy voice, not the sick whisper he had in the end.
i'm so glad he's not sick or hurting anymore. i know it embarrassed him for us to have to take care of him. he told me he was the daddy and it was his job to take care of us. i'm glad he's with his mom and his grandma again, i know he loved them a lot. i just wish he was here and healed and with me.
kyle and i picked out his grave marker earlier in the week. through the whole memorial process we've battled with finding things that were "him". he wasn't very religious. so much stuff is so cheesy and not "him". when we picked out the marker they gave us a book of "phrases" to help us think of something because we thought "beloved father" was too cheesy. he never said "beloved". we dont say "beloved". so many things in the books were just as cheesy. i liked a few, kyle liked a few, but then we found one that both of us immediately knew was so him. "to know him was to love him." it seemed so obvious after we found it. everyone who knew dad, loved him. i mean, the hospice director cried when he realized it was dad he was visiting (he looked so different). the person who came from the funeral home when he died cried because he knew dad. he said it took him 10 min to put himself together before he came over when he got the call. what a testament. dad was so kind to people. he was as i like to say, a good ole boy. a simple man, as the song says. kyle and i can't think of a single enemy he would have had. he would do anything for us, i know that. he did. he put me through an expensive college. there was nothing i asked him for that i didn't get. he loved us so much.
in the last week or two of his life, he told me something that really struck me the first time he said it. i told him "i love you" and he said "i love you too...forever." i said "forever ever."
i'm so lucky. i had such a good daddy. so many children grow up without fathers. so many people have bad relationships with their fathers or "daddy issues." dad had his weaknesses. loving us wasn't one of them. im so glad i got to spend 26 years with him. i just wish it was longer.
they're songs to remember by. i can see him singing them. some of the make me smile. sometimes it hurts to think that i'll never hear him sing again. he could feel music. i'd give anything to watch him drive down the road singing his heart out or sit at his bar with him, drinking a beer and singing like he was the only one in the room.
everything is easier for me. its easier to make funeral arrangements. easier to look at pictures. its still really hard to accept though. he's been such a big part of my life. its so unbelievable that he's just gone. that's what i'm still having a hard time with. there are stories i can't remember correctly that i think, i'll have to ask dad...but i can't. he was so smart and he knew so much. i loved listening to him talk or tell stories. i wish i had recorded every one of them.
i started crying in the car the other day because a toby keith song came on and a line says something about calling their voicemail because he had to hear their voice one more time and i realized i can't do that. dad never recorded a voicemail on his cell phone. i would give anything to hear his voice again. his healthy voice, not the sick whisper he had in the end.
i'm so glad he's not sick or hurting anymore. i know it embarrassed him for us to have to take care of him. he told me he was the daddy and it was his job to take care of us. i'm glad he's with his mom and his grandma again, i know he loved them a lot. i just wish he was here and healed and with me.
kyle and i picked out his grave marker earlier in the week. through the whole memorial process we've battled with finding things that were "him". he wasn't very religious. so much stuff is so cheesy and not "him". when we picked out the marker they gave us a book of "phrases" to help us think of something because we thought "beloved father" was too cheesy. he never said "beloved". we dont say "beloved". so many things in the books were just as cheesy. i liked a few, kyle liked a few, but then we found one that both of us immediately knew was so him. "to know him was to love him." it seemed so obvious after we found it. everyone who knew dad, loved him. i mean, the hospice director cried when he realized it was dad he was visiting (he looked so different). the person who came from the funeral home when he died cried because he knew dad. he said it took him 10 min to put himself together before he came over when he got the call. what a testament. dad was so kind to people. he was as i like to say, a good ole boy. a simple man, as the song says. kyle and i can't think of a single enemy he would have had. he would do anything for us, i know that. he did. he put me through an expensive college. there was nothing i asked him for that i didn't get. he loved us so much.
in the last week or two of his life, he told me something that really struck me the first time he said it. i told him "i love you" and he said "i love you too...forever." i said "forever ever."
i'm so lucky. i had such a good daddy. so many children grow up without fathers. so many people have bad relationships with their fathers or "daddy issues." dad had his weaknesses. loving us wasn't one of them. im so glad i got to spend 26 years with him. i just wish it was longer.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
where is the good in goodbye?
how am i?
numb. shocked. in disbelief. brokenhearted. a combination of all the preceding.
i had just woken up on sunday when my brother's girlfriend called me. she said i needed to get over there right now. i started hyperventilating. i called craig who was at work. i was so hysterical he could barely understand me. it was so hard to breathe. i thought there was no way she could be right. he's just sleeping. they just need to wake him up. its not true. it can't be true.
when i got to their house my brother was on the front porch crying. i ran to hold him. he told me, i didn't listen to her. she told me not to go in there but i did. he told me not to go in there. i didnt. i couldnt. even as i think about it now it takes my breath away.
the day before was the benefit for dad. when i got there my brother and uncle were leaving dad's room. my uncle had tears in his eyes. kyle was visibly distraught. he told me dad wouldn't talk to anyone all day. i had so much to do, i couldn't have a melt down right now. i didn't see dad at all saturday. its bittersweet. i'm glad i dont have any memory of him being so bad. i'm sad i didn't see him alive one last time.
there are just some memories you don't need. i've had to watch dad suffer for so long. i didn't need another sickly image of him in my head. i've seen him sick for so long that the pictures of him don't look like him to me. all these healthy images look so weird to me. i don't want to remember him sick. i don't want anyone else to either. i don't want this disease to define him. he's so much more than that.
i couldnt bring myself to see him on sunday either. it kept the flood of emotions at bay. there was still a piece of my brain that didn't think it was true, as crazy as that sounds. i hadn't seen for myself so i couldn't be sure. don't get me wrong. i knew. i remember looking around his empty room. it looked so strange for him to not be there. but it wasn't real. it wasn't real to me until yesterday.
yesterday we went to the funeral home to finalize the arrangements. before we left, they got the casket ready and let us see everything. then, it was real. he's gone. he's really gone. i'll never hold his hand, or give him a kiss again. ill never hear his laugh or listen to his stories. its amazing to me what the human mind does to protect itself from harm. even looking at him laying there my brain says, cant they fill it back up with something and bring him back? this isn't right. i needed to look. i had to keep reminding myself this is real. he is gone. he's really gone.
it's hard to talk about my dad in past tense right now. it's too fresh and too new. reality still hits me in waves. more often now that i've seen for myself. i put on my brave face to deal with all the business stuff. craig has been so good about keeping my spirits up. making sure i remember to laugh when i can and holding me when i cry. and most of the time, im ok. maybe numb is a better word.
there will be an online obituary up sometime today. the shreveport, marshall and longview papers will all run one thursday. services are saturday afternoon.
we elected to not do an organized visitation. kyle and i need some space. we both start to feel smothered when there's too many people around. i hit a wall sunday and had to go home to be by myself. its hard for me to deal with other people who are really upset because i naturally want to comfort them but im hurting too. we think it would be best to let people grieve and say goodbye as they'd like to on their own time. anyone who wants to see us can see us at the service, but the funeral home is open from 8-5 M-F and anyone who wants to see him and say goodbye can go by anytime they like.
on a lighter note, for those of you wondering about flowers or anything, you might want to keep in mind kyle and i aren't so good with the whole, house plant thing. i'll try, but for some reason i just don't have those skills. dad's favorite color is blue, but there aren't many blue flowers and the flower shop we went to yesterday said she coudln't get any bluebonnets. my favorite flower is a sunflower. kyle and i both like the idea of yellow roses (for texas).
as always, i'm so thankful for the love and support we've received. so thankful. when i'm alone and thinking i feel loved. it's just so hard to breathe sometimes from all the emotions of everything that i need space. space to breath. space to think. space to grieve. then the wave of emotion calms and i can feel everyone's love again. im grateful. i'm grateful dad touched so many lives. i'm grateful so many people care about us. we're going to be ok.
so that's how i'm doing...
numb. shocked. in disbelief. brokenhearted. a combination of all the preceding.
i had just woken up on sunday when my brother's girlfriend called me. she said i needed to get over there right now. i started hyperventilating. i called craig who was at work. i was so hysterical he could barely understand me. it was so hard to breathe. i thought there was no way she could be right. he's just sleeping. they just need to wake him up. its not true. it can't be true.
when i got to their house my brother was on the front porch crying. i ran to hold him. he told me, i didn't listen to her. she told me not to go in there but i did. he told me not to go in there. i didnt. i couldnt. even as i think about it now it takes my breath away.
the day before was the benefit for dad. when i got there my brother and uncle were leaving dad's room. my uncle had tears in his eyes. kyle was visibly distraught. he told me dad wouldn't talk to anyone all day. i had so much to do, i couldn't have a melt down right now. i didn't see dad at all saturday. its bittersweet. i'm glad i dont have any memory of him being so bad. i'm sad i didn't see him alive one last time.
there are just some memories you don't need. i've had to watch dad suffer for so long. i didn't need another sickly image of him in my head. i've seen him sick for so long that the pictures of him don't look like him to me. all these healthy images look so weird to me. i don't want to remember him sick. i don't want anyone else to either. i don't want this disease to define him. he's so much more than that.
i couldnt bring myself to see him on sunday either. it kept the flood of emotions at bay. there was still a piece of my brain that didn't think it was true, as crazy as that sounds. i hadn't seen for myself so i couldn't be sure. don't get me wrong. i knew. i remember looking around his empty room. it looked so strange for him to not be there. but it wasn't real. it wasn't real to me until yesterday.
yesterday we went to the funeral home to finalize the arrangements. before we left, they got the casket ready and let us see everything. then, it was real. he's gone. he's really gone. i'll never hold his hand, or give him a kiss again. ill never hear his laugh or listen to his stories. its amazing to me what the human mind does to protect itself from harm. even looking at him laying there my brain says, cant they fill it back up with something and bring him back? this isn't right. i needed to look. i had to keep reminding myself this is real. he is gone. he's really gone.
it's hard to talk about my dad in past tense right now. it's too fresh and too new. reality still hits me in waves. more often now that i've seen for myself. i put on my brave face to deal with all the business stuff. craig has been so good about keeping my spirits up. making sure i remember to laugh when i can and holding me when i cry. and most of the time, im ok. maybe numb is a better word.
there will be an online obituary up sometime today. the shreveport, marshall and longview papers will all run one thursday. services are saturday afternoon.
we elected to not do an organized visitation. kyle and i need some space. we both start to feel smothered when there's too many people around. i hit a wall sunday and had to go home to be by myself. its hard for me to deal with other people who are really upset because i naturally want to comfort them but im hurting too. we think it would be best to let people grieve and say goodbye as they'd like to on their own time. anyone who wants to see us can see us at the service, but the funeral home is open from 8-5 M-F and anyone who wants to see him and say goodbye can go by anytime they like.
on a lighter note, for those of you wondering about flowers or anything, you might want to keep in mind kyle and i aren't so good with the whole, house plant thing. i'll try, but for some reason i just don't have those skills. dad's favorite color is blue, but there aren't many blue flowers and the flower shop we went to yesterday said she coudln't get any bluebonnets. my favorite flower is a sunflower. kyle and i both like the idea of yellow roses (for texas).
as always, i'm so thankful for the love and support we've received. so thankful. when i'm alone and thinking i feel loved. it's just so hard to breathe sometimes from all the emotions of everything that i need space. space to breath. space to think. space to grieve. then the wave of emotion calms and i can feel everyone's love again. im grateful. i'm grateful dad touched so many lives. i'm grateful so many people care about us. we're going to be ok.
so that's how i'm doing...
Friday, October 15, 2010
under pressure
i get so overwhelmed sometimes i could just cry. and sometimes i do. its just so much sometimes.
dad's not doing well. hes really weak. barely talks. barely drinks. mostly sleeps. its really hard to watch. its painful now to think of the good times. when he was healthy and happy. i miss it. i miss him so much. i want to be able to go have lunch with him at georges like we used to. i want him to call me on the phone just because he hasn't talked to me in a few days. i want him to go to the mudbugs opening night tonight so we can watch the game together. but we cant. he can barely tell me when he wants something to drink. he's too young. i'm too young.
dad's pool hall is having a benefit for him tomorrow. when we picked this date, i remember feeling like it was so far away. i knew he'd never make it this long. he's surprised all of us by hanging in here. he doesn't know about the benefit. i know he wouldn't be crazy about it. i'm not crazy about it. it's really hard to take money from people. it's not your fault he doesn't have life insurance or any savings. it's not your fault we're not prepared. it's not your burden. i'm too stubborn and prideful, i know. the straight out donations are the hardest because they're just giving and they don't expect anything. i'm the caretaker. that's my job. at least with the benefit i can cook for people and give them something in return for their money. it makes it easier. it's overwhelming to me when people are so giving. thank you doesn't seem like enough. i'm used to being the giver. givings easy. being there for people is easy. dad was the same way. we like to earn what we receive. and i know the people who have donated are doing so cheerfully and don't expect anything, just like i would have. its just very humbling. gratitude is humbling. i hope this doesn't make me sound like a horrible person. it's hard to be humbled.
well i'll keep this short and sweet. just wanted to check back in because i know i've been distant. its' all just wearing on me.
dad's not doing well. hes really weak. barely talks. barely drinks. mostly sleeps. its really hard to watch. its painful now to think of the good times. when he was healthy and happy. i miss it. i miss him so much. i want to be able to go have lunch with him at georges like we used to. i want him to call me on the phone just because he hasn't talked to me in a few days. i want him to go to the mudbugs opening night tonight so we can watch the game together. but we cant. he can barely tell me when he wants something to drink. he's too young. i'm too young.
dad's pool hall is having a benefit for him tomorrow. when we picked this date, i remember feeling like it was so far away. i knew he'd never make it this long. he's surprised all of us by hanging in here. he doesn't know about the benefit. i know he wouldn't be crazy about it. i'm not crazy about it. it's really hard to take money from people. it's not your fault he doesn't have life insurance or any savings. it's not your fault we're not prepared. it's not your burden. i'm too stubborn and prideful, i know. the straight out donations are the hardest because they're just giving and they don't expect anything. i'm the caretaker. that's my job. at least with the benefit i can cook for people and give them something in return for their money. it makes it easier. it's overwhelming to me when people are so giving. thank you doesn't seem like enough. i'm used to being the giver. givings easy. being there for people is easy. dad was the same way. we like to earn what we receive. and i know the people who have donated are doing so cheerfully and don't expect anything, just like i would have. its just very humbling. gratitude is humbling. i hope this doesn't make me sound like a horrible person. it's hard to be humbled.
well i'll keep this short and sweet. just wanted to check back in because i know i've been distant. its' all just wearing on me.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
limbo
im being pulled in so many directions right now. theres something about dad's nurse coming that makes things at work go crazy. as soon as he pulled up today my cell phone started ringing. as soon as i went to the office monday she came and then they were calling me while i was at work. its overwhelming to say the least.
i really miss work. dont get me wrong, its not even a question that my dad needs me and i'm where i'm supposed to be, but it is not in my nature to stay at home all day. i tried taking a summer off before my senior year of college where i didn't work. i went crazy! im a workaholic. if it wasnt for craig, i would work much more than i do. i like it. i miss being in my office and having access to everything so i can really get things done. i feel so handicapped working from home. i dont have any of my old emails or files or anything. all i can work on is new emails and stuff i can access on our website. and i have plenty to do that way, but its not the same. and if i need to find something out its really hard. i like my job and i miss work. you guys wont have any house wife or mothering to look forward to from me.
yesterday i felt horrible. today im still not feeling good, but i feel better after the nyquil and the handful of vitamins this morning. i havent sneezed as much today either. dads starting to sleep more which meant i got some napping done myself. trying to be more productive today to make up for it.
also improving my mood is the newly installed oven and stove at dad's. all there has been is a microwave since ive been here. the kitchen looks like a war zone anyway so i always have food from somewhere else. but i love baking. its peaceful. and i feel productive. and i get to feed people which makes me feel like im taking care of them and doing something good for them that makes them happy. im not a stress eater, im a stress baker. so now, i can bake. there are brownies cooling on top of the stove as we speak. i have lots of things on my "to cook" list, so im excited! and dad perked up when i said i was making some brownies, so yay! getting him to eat can be tricky. he's always loved brownies though. hopefully i can get him to eat one later. he wasnt biting when i offered him some corn or green beans earlier from my lunch.
we had a surprise visit from my grandpa yesterday. i was standing in dad's room at his bed and i saw an older man walk in front of the window through the crack in the curtains. i said, i think grandpas here! dad was like, what?? i walked to the front door and sure enough, he was. he just stayed for a few minutes but he never stays too long. it was good to see him though.
in the past few weeks, one of dad's brothers found me online. ive never met him, but ive heard about him a lot. he found me on facebook and we talk almost every day now. he's mentioned trying to get up here to visit. we laughed after grandpa left about how funny it would have been if grandpa would have visited while billy was here. they haven't spoken in at least 10 years i believe. i havent told grandpa that we speak. as far as he knows, i dont know he exists at all. much mystery on my dad's side of the family (from both his parents). i think its fascinating. recently learned that im probably part sioux indian. billy knows a lot about our family history that i didn't know. weve been trading family pics and stories. ive really enjoyed getting to know him.
ive also got to spend a lot time with my aunt and cousin recently. thats been a lot of fun too. our whole family hasnt been very close since my grandma died. its been great kind of getting to know them all over again and to spend time with them. i have a great family. aunt melinda told dad monday, you've brought the family together and you didn't even realize it. its true. my brother and i are closer. some of my extended family and i are closer. i can't put into words how thankful i am for everyone's love and support.
well, i have a few more projects to tackle while dad's sleeping. better seize the moment!
i really miss work. dont get me wrong, its not even a question that my dad needs me and i'm where i'm supposed to be, but it is not in my nature to stay at home all day. i tried taking a summer off before my senior year of college where i didn't work. i went crazy! im a workaholic. if it wasnt for craig, i would work much more than i do. i like it. i miss being in my office and having access to everything so i can really get things done. i feel so handicapped working from home. i dont have any of my old emails or files or anything. all i can work on is new emails and stuff i can access on our website. and i have plenty to do that way, but its not the same. and if i need to find something out its really hard. i like my job and i miss work. you guys wont have any house wife or mothering to look forward to from me.
yesterday i felt horrible. today im still not feeling good, but i feel better after the nyquil and the handful of vitamins this morning. i havent sneezed as much today either. dads starting to sleep more which meant i got some napping done myself. trying to be more productive today to make up for it.
also improving my mood is the newly installed oven and stove at dad's. all there has been is a microwave since ive been here. the kitchen looks like a war zone anyway so i always have food from somewhere else. but i love baking. its peaceful. and i feel productive. and i get to feed people which makes me feel like im taking care of them and doing something good for them that makes them happy. im not a stress eater, im a stress baker. so now, i can bake. there are brownies cooling on top of the stove as we speak. i have lots of things on my "to cook" list, so im excited! and dad perked up when i said i was making some brownies, so yay! getting him to eat can be tricky. he's always loved brownies though. hopefully i can get him to eat one later. he wasnt biting when i offered him some corn or green beans earlier from my lunch.
we had a surprise visit from my grandpa yesterday. i was standing in dad's room at his bed and i saw an older man walk in front of the window through the crack in the curtains. i said, i think grandpas here! dad was like, what?? i walked to the front door and sure enough, he was. he just stayed for a few minutes but he never stays too long. it was good to see him though.
in the past few weeks, one of dad's brothers found me online. ive never met him, but ive heard about him a lot. he found me on facebook and we talk almost every day now. he's mentioned trying to get up here to visit. we laughed after grandpa left about how funny it would have been if grandpa would have visited while billy was here. they haven't spoken in at least 10 years i believe. i havent told grandpa that we speak. as far as he knows, i dont know he exists at all. much mystery on my dad's side of the family (from both his parents). i think its fascinating. recently learned that im probably part sioux indian. billy knows a lot about our family history that i didn't know. weve been trading family pics and stories. ive really enjoyed getting to know him.
ive also got to spend a lot time with my aunt and cousin recently. thats been a lot of fun too. our whole family hasnt been very close since my grandma died. its been great kind of getting to know them all over again and to spend time with them. i have a great family. aunt melinda told dad monday, you've brought the family together and you didn't even realize it. its true. my brother and i are closer. some of my extended family and i are closer. i can't put into words how thankful i am for everyone's love and support.
well, i have a few more projects to tackle while dad's sleeping. better seize the moment!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
october
there was a time when i didn't think dad would live to see october. he surprised all of us with a big mental turn around last week. even the nurse came by on thursday and just shrugged. his color was good, he's awake and alert. he can hold real conversations and recall things from his distant past. he was, in a mental health sense, normal. he is still physically ill though. too weak to walk. unable to fully control body functions. not well, by any means. but the good days are definitely easier on all of us, even if he is an ass to kyle :).
today i can see a decline. he's less with it, more tired. kyle was with him when i got here and he told he wanted some dr. pepper. i left to go get some and when i got back he was asleep. i woke him up and brought it to him and said, hey dad, dr. pepper! and i showed him the cup i fixed for him. he looked at me and nodded then just closed his eyes and went back to sleep. it seems like we're on another downward slope. ill keep everyone posted.
craig seems to be having a good time in vermont with his family. i miss him a lot. i miss them. im glad i don't have to deal with the weather though. its cold enough here! he's supposed to come home tomorrow. i can't wait to hug him!
my aunt and cousin came to see us yesterday and give my brother and i a hand with dad. i had such a great time with them. it was great to have someone to talk to all day. and laugh! there isn't much laughter around here right now.
i realized last night how fully this has consumed my life. i feel like a new parent with a newborn (at least, i feel like how i think they feel). all i do is take care of dad. i feel bad leaving him here, even when i need a break and he has other people to be with him. and then last night i did the unthinkable. i went out! my friend bryan is running for mayor. yesterday was voting day and they were having an election party at his headquarters. i had been sad about not being able to be there before because i was supposed to be in vermont. after i came home to take care of the dogs last night i went back and forth about going to the party. i mean, i was in town now. and, it he won, what a great thing to say i was a part of. i was there when bryan found out he won mayor! but i was tired. and it felt "wrong" to go out. i decided to be a part of history though. bre agreed to meet me over there. it was so good to be out amongst people. and i was there when bryan found out he made the run off against the incumbent. not an outright win, but im excited we're one step closer. as i drove home last night i was like, wow, i feel like the mom leaving her baby with a babysitter for the first time, a tinge of guilt for doing something for myself, but really happy i did.
it surprises me that people think im so strong, so wonderful. i don't feel strong or wonderful. i feel quite ordinary. im just an ordinary person put in an extraordinary situation. i think you would all do the same. what normal person wouldn't? if your dad needed you, wouldn't you be there? of course you would. if you could make his last days easier by putting on a brave face, you would.
kyle has helped organize a benefit for dad on october 16. if any of you can make it or help we would appreciate it. it will be at secrets, their "home bar" for the APA pool league teams they played on. kyle has been able to play in weeks and obviously dad hasn't played in a while either. they're going to do a pool tournament and were going to try and sell some sort of plates or food or something and if we can get a few things to auction we'll do that too.
i have a quick rant. the saints game is on tv right now and i just noticed all the players have pink accents. towels, shoe laces, gloves, etc. it's breast cancer awareness month. why is breast cancer the only cancer that anyone cares about? why are there so many high profile breast cancer awareness items and walks and benefits? they haven't even said anything about it, but i just know because of the pink what it's for. i cant imagine how much money is donated to breast cancer every year. and that is great. but what about all the other cancers? i just wish they all got that kind of attention/funding. of course i have a much more jaded opinion on cancer research than i'll share right now, but you'll all have to put on your tin foil hats for that one...:)
thank you all, once again, for all your love and prayers and notes and calls and comments and emails. you're a blessing to me and my family.
here's a few more pics:
today i can see a decline. he's less with it, more tired. kyle was with him when i got here and he told he wanted some dr. pepper. i left to go get some and when i got back he was asleep. i woke him up and brought it to him and said, hey dad, dr. pepper! and i showed him the cup i fixed for him. he looked at me and nodded then just closed his eyes and went back to sleep. it seems like we're on another downward slope. ill keep everyone posted.
craig seems to be having a good time in vermont with his family. i miss him a lot. i miss them. im glad i don't have to deal with the weather though. its cold enough here! he's supposed to come home tomorrow. i can't wait to hug him!
my aunt and cousin came to see us yesterday and give my brother and i a hand with dad. i had such a great time with them. it was great to have someone to talk to all day. and laugh! there isn't much laughter around here right now.
i realized last night how fully this has consumed my life. i feel like a new parent with a newborn (at least, i feel like how i think they feel). all i do is take care of dad. i feel bad leaving him here, even when i need a break and he has other people to be with him. and then last night i did the unthinkable. i went out! my friend bryan is running for mayor. yesterday was voting day and they were having an election party at his headquarters. i had been sad about not being able to be there before because i was supposed to be in vermont. after i came home to take care of the dogs last night i went back and forth about going to the party. i mean, i was in town now. and, it he won, what a great thing to say i was a part of. i was there when bryan found out he won mayor! but i was tired. and it felt "wrong" to go out. i decided to be a part of history though. bre agreed to meet me over there. it was so good to be out amongst people. and i was there when bryan found out he made the run off against the incumbent. not an outright win, but im excited we're one step closer. as i drove home last night i was like, wow, i feel like the mom leaving her baby with a babysitter for the first time, a tinge of guilt for doing something for myself, but really happy i did.
it surprises me that people think im so strong, so wonderful. i don't feel strong or wonderful. i feel quite ordinary. im just an ordinary person put in an extraordinary situation. i think you would all do the same. what normal person wouldn't? if your dad needed you, wouldn't you be there? of course you would. if you could make his last days easier by putting on a brave face, you would.
kyle has helped organize a benefit for dad on october 16. if any of you can make it or help we would appreciate it. it will be at secrets, their "home bar" for the APA pool league teams they played on. kyle has been able to play in weeks and obviously dad hasn't played in a while either. they're going to do a pool tournament and were going to try and sell some sort of plates or food or something and if we can get a few things to auction we'll do that too.
i have a quick rant. the saints game is on tv right now and i just noticed all the players have pink accents. towels, shoe laces, gloves, etc. it's breast cancer awareness month. why is breast cancer the only cancer that anyone cares about? why are there so many high profile breast cancer awareness items and walks and benefits? they haven't even said anything about it, but i just know because of the pink what it's for. i cant imagine how much money is donated to breast cancer every year. and that is great. but what about all the other cancers? i just wish they all got that kind of attention/funding. of course i have a much more jaded opinion on cancer research than i'll share right now, but you'll all have to put on your tin foil hats for that one...:)
thank you all, once again, for all your love and prayers and notes and calls and comments and emails. you're a blessing to me and my family.
here's a few more pics:
Thursday, September 30, 2010
sticker shock
im currently experiencing a bit of sticker shock. dying is expensive.
first of all, if my granny hadn't purchased a plot for my dad, i would have walked away from lakeview in longview last week. i don't have any patience for bad customer service. i am a customer service manager. i have worked in customer service for a long time. it is not acceptable to not return two emails and a phone call to someone who needs to purchase something because they will purchase what they need from somewhere else. are you so busy you don't want my money? not acceptable. i emailed them twice last week (a specific person who gave me their business card when i came by) and he never emailed me back. i called saturday and the receptionist was very kind but unable to help me. turns out i needed to talk to the person who wouldn't email my back. she promised he'd call me right back and he never did. i called yesterday because he still hadn't called me and again, too busy for me. he finally called me back and was like, when would you like to set up an appointment to come in? um, excuse me? did they not pass along the message that my dad is in hospice care. he can't be left alone. i cant just drive over to longview. so he says, ok, how does your schedule look for monday? monday? really? 5 days from now? do you know how long 5 days are in my world? so he says, well, i can come by tomorrow afternoon and I'll come to you. ok deal.
well he calls this morning. he is not licensed to sell things in louisiana so he can't bring the paperwork here for me to sign, i would have to cross over state lines to sign it or i can work with one of his partner funeral homes over here. i said, excuse me, what paperwork? lets back this train up. i have been trying to get in contact with you for a week. i am 26 (and i know i sound like a little girl on the phone). i have never planned a funeral before. we need to discuss options and prices before there is any paperwork for anything. what a racket that is.
dads still hanging in here. hes been mostly coherent. today he seems really with it. after the nurse left this afternoon he told me he wanted to talk to me later. i told him we should talk now and asked him what's up. he asked me "how did all this happen?". I explained to him that he was in hospice care because the hospital couldn't do anything else for him. he said, yea, i know that. i told him we're staying at home with him because he's not strong enough to be on his own. i told him they don't think he has much time left. he said he had kinda put that together. he asked how kyle and i ended up doing this. i told him we were worried about him and that we could hire a sitter but we thought he would rather us be there. he asked if craig and i still had our house and i said yes, we go home at night but that craig was in vermont now. i told him everythings fine. i asked him if he was scared. he said he's been scared. i asked why he was scared. he said he was scared of dying. i asked why he was scared. he will get to go to heaven. he told me i should go back and see bre (who had just brought me lunch). i said, no, no. its ok. i told him i don't get to talk to him much because he doesn't always make sense.
i told him id been talking to lakeview. i asked him if he wanted to be there. he just said i dont know. i told him he would be next to granny cherry. he just said we'd talk later. to go see bre.
i also asked if there was anyone he'd been wanting to see or talk to. he said "i don't know". i try to reassure him that he doesn't have to worry about kyle and i, that we would be ok. he said he worries about us a lot. the most. i told him he doesn't have to. i tried to tell him how kyle is really stepping up. monday, our nurse was getting ready to go home and it was her last day with us doing continuous care. she was going to help us change the sheets and brittany hadn't got back with some new sheets yet. she had just walked out when brittany got back. i asked brittany if the nurse had left. she said yes. i said, no, did she physically pull out of the driveway yet? she said no and i said, go grab her, she was supposed to help us change the sheets. kyle was like, its ok, its ok, we got this. its ok. i was really shocked. im the one supposed to be keeping us from freaking out, right? he came up and gave me a hug and was like, don't worry, we're going to get through this. it really shocked me.
the nurse asked me earlier this week if there was someone dad was waiting on. she said he's really hanging on. he has such bad days. i mean, unable to swallow, completely unresponsive, staring off into space, bad days. but then he has days like to day where he's awake and making sense and able to understand conversations and drink on his own (from a sippy cup). she says hes fighting. hes holding on for something. i just don't want it to be because he's worried about us.
i can feel all the prayers. i havent freaked out since craig left. ive been pretty calm and together all week. i cried a little today talking to dad, but other than that ive been ok. thank you all. thank you for the meals and the coffee and the texts and the facebook comments. even if i dont reply, i read them all. i also eventually listen to the voicemails. some calls i really don't get because i have horrible cell signal here, so i don't answer. im glad that you called but i dont always want to talk. im still exhausted all the time. patrick has a cat over here where dad is staying and im allergic to cats. combine that with all the dust and the remodeling and i sneeze and my nose runs all day. when i take a zyrtec it gives me a sinus headache. all the sneezing and the stress and the poor diet and poor sleep will be catching up with me soon.
craig is in vermont. im glad he's getting to see his family and spend some time in the cooler weather but i wish i was there. i love his family. and i like spending time up there. and im sad that i'm missing his brother's wedding. and i miss having craig here with me. sounds like everythings going smooth up there though.
i finished my "scarf" last night though! its too short to really be a scarf, but i dont know how to add more yarn when i run out yet so i just finished it off. it has a few mistakes at the beginning when i was still learning but the last 2/3 of it a great. its easy. i figured out how to cast off (take the yarn off the needles and end the stitching) by looking up a technique online that sounded like what lori told me to do. turned out good. im ready to start a new one, i just need to get over to the store and get some yarn and possibly some more needles. i really want to make a swing jacket or shrug but i don't know how to read patterns, haha. guess i'll make another scarf for now. maybe even a real scarf this time! now that i have the hang of it it shouldn't take me long to make another one.
ive been going through all kinds of pictures to find some good ones of dad. heres a few for me to leave you with:
i just realized dad's wearing some sort of plaid in all of these pics. guess we know what he likes!
by the way, thats one of him, one of him and my mom when they were young, and one of my grandpa, dad and brother in 2005.
first of all, if my granny hadn't purchased a plot for my dad, i would have walked away from lakeview in longview last week. i don't have any patience for bad customer service. i am a customer service manager. i have worked in customer service for a long time. it is not acceptable to not return two emails and a phone call to someone who needs to purchase something because they will purchase what they need from somewhere else. are you so busy you don't want my money? not acceptable. i emailed them twice last week (a specific person who gave me their business card when i came by) and he never emailed me back. i called saturday and the receptionist was very kind but unable to help me. turns out i needed to talk to the person who wouldn't email my back. she promised he'd call me right back and he never did. i called yesterday because he still hadn't called me and again, too busy for me. he finally called me back and was like, when would you like to set up an appointment to come in? um, excuse me? did they not pass along the message that my dad is in hospice care. he can't be left alone. i cant just drive over to longview. so he says, ok, how does your schedule look for monday? monday? really? 5 days from now? do you know how long 5 days are in my world? so he says, well, i can come by tomorrow afternoon and I'll come to you. ok deal.
well he calls this morning. he is not licensed to sell things in louisiana so he can't bring the paperwork here for me to sign, i would have to cross over state lines to sign it or i can work with one of his partner funeral homes over here. i said, excuse me, what paperwork? lets back this train up. i have been trying to get in contact with you for a week. i am 26 (and i know i sound like a little girl on the phone). i have never planned a funeral before. we need to discuss options and prices before there is any paperwork for anything. what a racket that is.
dads still hanging in here. hes been mostly coherent. today he seems really with it. after the nurse left this afternoon he told me he wanted to talk to me later. i told him we should talk now and asked him what's up. he asked me "how did all this happen?". I explained to him that he was in hospice care because the hospital couldn't do anything else for him. he said, yea, i know that. i told him we're staying at home with him because he's not strong enough to be on his own. i told him they don't think he has much time left. he said he had kinda put that together. he asked how kyle and i ended up doing this. i told him we were worried about him and that we could hire a sitter but we thought he would rather us be there. he asked if craig and i still had our house and i said yes, we go home at night but that craig was in vermont now. i told him everythings fine. i asked him if he was scared. he said he's been scared. i asked why he was scared. he said he was scared of dying. i asked why he was scared. he will get to go to heaven. he told me i should go back and see bre (who had just brought me lunch). i said, no, no. its ok. i told him i don't get to talk to him much because he doesn't always make sense.
i told him id been talking to lakeview. i asked him if he wanted to be there. he just said i dont know. i told him he would be next to granny cherry. he just said we'd talk later. to go see bre.
i also asked if there was anyone he'd been wanting to see or talk to. he said "i don't know". i try to reassure him that he doesn't have to worry about kyle and i, that we would be ok. he said he worries about us a lot. the most. i told him he doesn't have to. i tried to tell him how kyle is really stepping up. monday, our nurse was getting ready to go home and it was her last day with us doing continuous care. she was going to help us change the sheets and brittany hadn't got back with some new sheets yet. she had just walked out when brittany got back. i asked brittany if the nurse had left. she said yes. i said, no, did she physically pull out of the driveway yet? she said no and i said, go grab her, she was supposed to help us change the sheets. kyle was like, its ok, its ok, we got this. its ok. i was really shocked. im the one supposed to be keeping us from freaking out, right? he came up and gave me a hug and was like, don't worry, we're going to get through this. it really shocked me.
the nurse asked me earlier this week if there was someone dad was waiting on. she said he's really hanging on. he has such bad days. i mean, unable to swallow, completely unresponsive, staring off into space, bad days. but then he has days like to day where he's awake and making sense and able to understand conversations and drink on his own (from a sippy cup). she says hes fighting. hes holding on for something. i just don't want it to be because he's worried about us.
i can feel all the prayers. i havent freaked out since craig left. ive been pretty calm and together all week. i cried a little today talking to dad, but other than that ive been ok. thank you all. thank you for the meals and the coffee and the texts and the facebook comments. even if i dont reply, i read them all. i also eventually listen to the voicemails. some calls i really don't get because i have horrible cell signal here, so i don't answer. im glad that you called but i dont always want to talk. im still exhausted all the time. patrick has a cat over here where dad is staying and im allergic to cats. combine that with all the dust and the remodeling and i sneeze and my nose runs all day. when i take a zyrtec it gives me a sinus headache. all the sneezing and the stress and the poor diet and poor sleep will be catching up with me soon.
craig is in vermont. im glad he's getting to see his family and spend some time in the cooler weather but i wish i was there. i love his family. and i like spending time up there. and im sad that i'm missing his brother's wedding. and i miss having craig here with me. sounds like everythings going smooth up there though.
i finished my "scarf" last night though! its too short to really be a scarf, but i dont know how to add more yarn when i run out yet so i just finished it off. it has a few mistakes at the beginning when i was still learning but the last 2/3 of it a great. its easy. i figured out how to cast off (take the yarn off the needles and end the stitching) by looking up a technique online that sounded like what lori told me to do. turned out good. im ready to start a new one, i just need to get over to the store and get some yarn and possibly some more needles. i really want to make a swing jacket or shrug but i don't know how to read patterns, haha. guess i'll make another scarf for now. maybe even a real scarf this time! now that i have the hang of it it shouldn't take me long to make another one.
ive been going through all kinds of pictures to find some good ones of dad. heres a few for me to leave you with:
i just realized dad's wearing some sort of plaid in all of these pics. guess we know what he likes!
by the way, thats one of him, one of him and my mom when they were young, and one of my grandpa, dad and brother in 2005.
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